...captivating harmony...

Where Do Broken Hearts Go?

2012-02-14T15:38:00.000-06:00

"Where do broken hearts go? Can they find their way home? Back to the open arms of a love that's waiting there? And if somebody loves you, won't they always love you?" ~ Whitney Houston

When all my friends were listening to Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet album, I had Whitney Houston's Whitney album playing over and over and over again. Maybe it takes being broken to see the brokenness in someone else. I look at her beautifully tragic life and my heart hurts. Somewhere along the way, she had forgotten what it was to be loved. When I think of her, I think of all the life and talent that became just a fraction of what it could be, and before it was able to resuscitate itself, it ended. And, it saddens me to no end that there are so many who are eager to point out all her flaws and dismiss her as a person (not just her celebrity) simply because of choices she made.

Times like these rush me back to the days when I was going through my divorce and felt so much judgment from others. Do you know what that is to be judged - what that does to the soul? When someone tells you that the pain you're experiencing, the heartache you're facing, the darkness you're scared of that is consuming you is exactly what you deserve? When your soul is crying out with desperation for someone - anyone - to love you and accept you and there is no one left to be found?  What if the only life you knew was gone,and the only people you had ever loved were the first to turn their backs on you?

I've heard several times over the past few days that Whitney Houston's death was a waste, that we should pay more attention to the 'real people' who die every day, that she turned away from God, etc. Can someone please tell me when there was a limit to the amount of love we are alloted to have in this lifetime? Why should we have to choose who receives that love and when they receive it or if we should take it away and give it to someone else?  I know I'm not perfect and I'm speaking from a completely emotional place right now, but this is what I've learned:

When no one else was there for me, I found Faith. When I had no where else to turn, I found Hope. And when no one accepted me as I was, when no one opened their arms to who I was supposed to be, I found Love. I found Faith when I was flying down the interstate screaming out to a God that I had been taught was real, but felt so very, very unreal to me. I found Hope when nothing that once was, was anymore - husband, children, job, home - and somehow, I lived another day to watch the sun rise. I found Love when I had fallen to the floor in my living room with a tear-stained face, no voice, and a broken heart. When the world said that I was done, wasn't good enough, didn't measure up, and deserved all the hurt I felt, there was only one person that shut them all out - that was my Savior and my God. He didn't seek to punish me. He didn't seek to condemn me. He didn't dismiss me. He LOVED me. When I was broken, when I was done, He RESTORED me. When I had successfully destroyed all that I could be, He REBUILT me.  He NEVER condemned me, nor did He seek to make me an example of how powerfully angry He can be.

I don't, for one second, believe that Whitney Houston's death was punishment for her brokenness. The God I believe in created her, loves her, and was right there with her when she left this earth. This world gave her all the punishment she needed - just like we're missing the mark by beating down every other person that sins. We've missed it. We are His hands and His feet. If we aren't showing love, grace, mercy - if we aren't the ones living with the Fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control), then we have missed it and we've done a greater disservice to our God than the enemy ever could. So, on this Valentine's Day, when we are supposed to show love, my challenge to you is to really live it loud - Love your neighbor (even if they use drugs, have sex outside of marriage, don't go to church, are gay, or anything else that you think is really bad or offensive, etc.), and do unto others as you would have done unto you. I hope you will create a place that is safe for a broken heart to find refuge. xoxo

Breathe

2012-02-01T09:46:00.000-06:00

"In the stillness, I empty my soul and your healing presence flows as I breathe the air of heaven, drawing in your fragrance. When I breathe, I feel your fullness come alive inside of me. You're the breath that I breathe. It's taking hold. It's second nature as I savor..." ~ Sixpence None the Richer

I've been struck lately with the profound impact dreaming has on me and my daily life. There is no mistaking that fact that I am a dreamer. I see the world as a big plate of Dad's home-cooking and I want to eat it up. Looking back on the past, living in the moment, and anticipating the future - how could it get any better?

I noticed about a month ago, that I was getting so caught up in the daily grind that I had forgotten the dreams that have been laid on my heart. It's not that I've put the idea of the safehouse and my goal to abolish human trafficking/sex slavery out of my mind entirely, but I've become complacent as to when that might actually happen. Fortunately, I have great people in my life who have patiently and lovingly nudged me into recapturing that vision.

Shortly after pulling out my notebooks and research to re-kindle the lackluster flame, I realized why it was so easy to put those dreams on the back burner. I'm scared out of my mind! This whole idea of being bigger than something so dark and heavy is not for the faint of heart...which, in case you've never read my blog before, I'm a bit emotional and faint of heart. I tend to take everything personally and then put on this great smiley face and pretend like it's all okay. Then, I go home and take Great-Grandma's quilt and use it as my very own, glory-hallelujah sized hankie. Big-hearted people love big and hurt big. And, we don't like to be scared because, well....it's scary.

It became apparent to me, that the dreams I have for the future are being hindered by the mistakes of the past (or present, which quickly becomes the past so it can't really be the mistakes of the present...you get what I'm saying...). I guess for right now, I'm feeling extremely challenged to deal with the past. It's so frustrating when you think you've finally overcome insecurities, fears, mistakes, etc., only to discover somewhere along the road that maybe you weren't quite as victorious as you first thought.

The challenge lies in embracing the past (good, bad, and ugly) and securing the future. I've lived in a dichotomically safe world for a year or two too long - keeping the past from the future and trying desperately to keep them far from one another. Funny how memories and dreams really aren't always under our control. It's clear that the best way to combine the two is to release - just breathe. Savor it all in. Enjoy the moment. Embrace, not escape, the past. Build and grow towards the future. And know that in some way, it will create an undeniably beautiful present.

Gravity

2011-12-30T10:49:00.000-06:00

"Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am, and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. But you're on to me, and all over me." ~ Sara Barielles

As the year 2011 is slowly sliding by, I took some time this morning to reflect. I can't say that I actually enjoyed it. It was rather tear-jerking. I've spent so much of the past month or more really looking forward to New Year's Eve. Not only do I have this crazy awesome dress that I'm looking forward to wearing, but I have a sense of finality this year when it comes to 2011. I suppose that's nothing new. Doesn't everyone feel that way at certain points in their life? As though something is done. Final. Complete. I'm working on all those tricky parts of myself that I'd like to leave in the past. Not easy work!

There is so much to be thankful for this year. To begin, I'm alive. Although the day-to-day mundane living clouds my vision, and I often forget how close I was to losing my life this summer in my car accident, I'm certain I will never truly comprehend the full effect of that day, the accident itself, or the support and love that followed. It was definitely a wake-up call. The sad part is that I'm not entirely sure what I was waking up from. The danger is knowing that someday I'll probably see it and wonder why I was so blind at the time. Isn't that just how it goes? They say that hindsight is always 20/20. I can still remember how in that terrifying flight into oncoming traffic with a red semi barreling down the interstate towards me, all I thought of was my friend, Jennie. I thought of her more this morning and it made me cry. It's making me cry even now as I write it. I guess in this past year, I've struggled some with knowing my own value and worth. I've spent a lot of time reassuring myself of the positive things I know. It strikes me as odd that I would need so much approval to feel worthy, when there are so many others (like Jennie) who had their lives taken from them at such a young age. Reality checks are hard pills to swallow.

Not only was my life spared this summer, but my whole life changed. What I had been waiting for - hoping for, finally came to fruition. As a thirty-something, I finally have a career. I get to work, think, act, fight, encourage, and build. A part of me that I didn't even know existed has come alive. Life for my boys and myself has changed dramatically. Just the other day as I was stumbling on all the full boxes still stacked in our cozy condo, a pang of sadness hit me. I used to live in a four bedroom, two bath house with a fenced in backyard and a tree house that my dad built. I don't mean to seem ungrateful or opposed to change, but with all the holiday spirit around, it's hard not to wish for family, warm nights decorating cookies, snuggling up to watch movies, and staying up late watching the lights on the Christmas tree. None of that happened this year for various reasons, but it definitely left a void and a feeling of loneliness. I practically felt like the Little Match Girl with her sticks half-frozen in the snow. (Although I didn't freeze to death, and it's been uncharacteristically warm, so I'm not complaining.) Anyway, you get the idea. Change + chaos + Christmas = emotional neediness.

So, it was time to reflect on the year. I'm thankful that my dad survived another heart attack, thankful to have a car that runs, thankful for family that has been an outstanding support to me this year (and they're all so much closer, too), thankful for my friend, Pat, whose stories and encouragement are so terribly missed, thankful for young love, dumb love, and lost love, thankful for my friend, Chris, who (whether he knows it or not) is my voice of reason - he's the one person that I can be totally honest with because he understands this world and he knows Love, thankful for new friends, co-workers, neighbors, thankful for a job, money to pay the bills, and a deeper understanding of needs and wants.

2011 will not be wasted, but it's time to move on. 2012, I have nothing profound to say to you. I just fully expect you to exceed all expectations. xoxo

Beautiful

2011-11-14T09:54:00.001-06:00

"Days will come when you don't have the strength - when all you hear is 'you're not worth anything.' Wondering if you ever could be loved, and if they truly saw your heart, they'd see too much. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You are made for so much more than all of this. You're beautiful." ~ Mercy Me

The last time I posted, I shared the words that I had pinned to the side of my bathroom mirror for the last two years. I live in a new place now and pretty much every part of my life has changed. I have new words (this time taped to the mirror) to look at every morning.

In the midst of the moving, new job, new location, new home, new living arrangements, etc., I've found that I have a natural tendency to go inward with my thoughts and feelings. When I'm tired or stressed, I become hypercritical of myself. I tend to beat myself down and see myself in ways that are not healthy. For example, I currently weigh exactly what I did in high school. After I had my kids, I would look at pictures of myself then and think how great (thin) I looked. At the time, I always felt huge and overweight. I'm going through the same thing now. I realize that I may not actually look big, but my mental picture of myself is twice my actual size. I suspect my arse is so big it won't fit into any jeans or chairs.

Being hypercritical also makes me extremely insecure. I sometimes think of creating a dating profile on one of those online sites, but can't imagine being honest would make me attractive in anyway: bad skin, two-toned hair, large arse/thighs, stretch marks, prone to bouts of eating mass amounts of greasy food, sporadic leg-shaver, slightly judgmental, and possibly neurotic. I mean, really, who wouldn't want to date that!? Maybe I should include other truthful things like: loves sushi, enjoys live music and walks on the beach? Hmmm...I don't think so. Truth is, the more tired/stressed I am, the more hypercritical I am, the more insecure I am, the more desperate I am to know that I am loved, accepted, embraceable, beautiful.

Fortunately, I have lived long enough that I don't suffer from the temptation to be accepted/loved by random men that I run across. I do have a longing for just one guy to fill that role someday, but eh...settling isn't really an option for me, either. So, in the meantime, how do I manage to get by? It's ridiculously difficult for me to ask anyone for a chat, hug, or cry. I have wonderful, beautiful friends in my life, but I would so much rather be there for them than to ask for help myself. Asking for prayer never bothers me, but asking for a hug - whoa! Not really in my comfort zone.

So, I've decided to pull myself up from the bootstraps and move forward starting with working out. I cannot straighten my left arm today because the muscles inside of it that I didn't even know existed are screaming at me from a session with my trainer on Saturday. Oh, I guess it can straighten, but I just let out soft whimpers and cry when it does. It's pathetic, really. Oh, and did you know there are muscles near your stomach? Yeah. They're called 'abs'. They don't like to be messed around with. But, regardless of the pain, working out is a great way for me to help relieve some stress and hopefully wear me out enough so that I can start sleeping better at night. I've had random bouts of insomnia in the past, but when you can read several novels/books in a week all from the hours of 9:00 pm to 5:00 am, that's probably not a very good thing. By eliminating/maintaining some stress and getting enough sleep, I can help reduce my hypercritical nature as well as my soaring insecurity.

Last week, I had lunch with a friend. We chatted about guys, work, life, etc. She is absolutely the sweetest person I've probably ever met - not a mean bone in her body. I heard myself giving her a lot of advice on guys, work, life, and it hit me like a truck when I realized as I was speaking, that I wasn't believing a lick of it for myself. Sometimes we need those 'aha' moments. I had one. I wasn't looking for it, but it kicked my butt. I may struggle with believing that I'm ever going to be good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, but being reminded by Mercy Me that I am beautiful, treasured, sacred, etc., is exactly what I need for now. No more advice-giving if I can't believe it for myself.

It Might Be Hope

2011-10-17T14:38:00.000-05:00

"Hope has a way of turning its face to you just when you least expect it. You walk in a room and look out a window and something there leaves you breathless.....it feels like it might be hope.'" ~ Sara Groves

I know, I know. You only hear from me when I'm whiny and needy. For all the wonderful loves in my life, I want to assure you that there is nothing whiny or needy about this post. It is nothing short of a quick summation of all the wonderful things that have overwhelmed me in the last two months. I am nothing short of blessed and feel like the years of wandering around in the desert have somehow culminated into something beyond my scope of understanding. I'm finding myself occasionally just smiling and soaking it all in. There's a peace that passes all understanding in life right now.

Just a little over two years ago, I had moved out of the home I had once-upon-a-time shared with my husband and two boys. I hoped for clarity and sanity. I moved into the most beautiful little small town in Iowa that will forever hold a special place in my heart. When I arrived, I was completely broken and nothing short of a hot mess. I vividly remember the darkness I was living in at the time, but there was something eternally stubborn inside me that refused to just give up entirely.

Beth Moore has a study called Breaking Free. I picked it up because I'd heard that it would really help with depression. I read the first chapter. I was too depressed to read any more. But, in that first chapter, she sets out to help her readers get out of the yuck of depression. She starts by having you memorize Isaiah 61:1-4. I wrote each verse of that scripture on a notecard and pinned it to the wall right next to my bathroom mirror. I'm not going to say that I read it every day, but I was very intentional to look at it frequently. When I did read it, I let it soak in. I believed every word and used those words of hope to form a foundation for my faith and my life. Words like Renew, Restore, and Rebuild resonated with me deep to my core. I really didn't see any possibility for my life other than moving upwards. Staying where I was in the figurative sense, was definitely not an option. It turns out, that staying where I was in the literal sense, wasn't an option either.

Life does change. It has its seasons and takes its turns. Two years ago, I was heartbroken, unemployed, seriously depressed and alone. Today, I'm not. It wasn't a short journey, nor was it painless. I've had my ups and downs and my insecurities have had their way with me on more than one occasion. I had to really re-evaluate my life and where it was going, what it was that I really wanted, and what were the things that I wanted to do before I died. Everything changed. My lifelong pursuit of employment in education came to a crashing halt when I just knew that I wasn't supposed to be in education anymore. I learned that who I am as a person makes me lovable, and even if I never share my life with someone again, I really am going to be okay. I like who I have become and what it is my heart and life represent. I don't hang my hat upon the words of another, nor do I value myself by the opinions of others. When it comes down to it, I found hope, and if everything had come easily before, I might never have known how beautiful a found hope is.

Just The Way You Are

2011-08-16T21:50:00.002-05:00

"I would not leave you in times of trouble. We never could have come this far. I took the good times. I'll take the bad times. I take you just the way you are." ~ Billy Joel

There is something very real about anger. It's probably the one emotion I know the least about. I get frustrated, sad, irritated, etc., but I don't really get angry. I'm just too lazy. As a matter of fact, I don't have a lot of time or respect for others with anger issues. I see it as weakness. In my last post, I pretty much laid it all out there. I was feeling defeated and frustrated. I've quoted Lloyd and Harry's "We got no food. We got no jobs. Our pets heads are falling off." so many times that it wasn't even funny anymore. For the past few years, I've tried to maintain this supernatural hope that everything was going to get better and as the years have drug on, it has been challenging to grasp at anything resembling hope. Last week, I broke, and I let God have an earful. I was mad.

I've never questioned His sovereignty, nor have I doubted that He has everything under control. I just wanted Him to know that I thought He was taking a little bit too much liberty with His timing. I resigned from my job in May solely on faith. I knew it was the right thing to do. So, how is it that a week before my job at the school would have resumed, I still didn't have a job or anything remotely close? It just didn't make any sense. None of that was part of my plan - at all. My ego was suffering, my pride was smashed, my hope was squelched, and I was beginning to think that I really was nothing like Shakespear's quote about being born great or having greatness thrust upon me...instead, I was certain I was destined for ungreatness. Wahhh! Imagine my surprise when exactly one week after my last post, I had a request to interview for a fundraising position that appeared to be tailor-made for me. And how about the even finer bit of actually being offered the job and accepting it today - just two weeks later?

Just one thing from this weekend that I'm incredibly thankful for.

I'm not advocating that anyone just run around throwing tantrums and blaming God for everything difficult or challenging in life. Nor do I think that just because I dared get mad, God decided to kick it into high gear. I just know that it was real. I used to spend a lot of time trying to hide my thoughts and actions from the doom of judgment. It turns out, that if what I really believe is true, then God already knows what I'm thinking and doing anyway. So, when I was frustrated with Him for taking FOREVER to provide, He already knew it anyway. My happy-go-lucky-it-will-all-get-better attitude wasn't exactly fooling Him. I just had to get real about things. So maybe that's what this whole "relationship and faith" thing is really all about - getting real. Taking the good with the bad.

To be fair, after my whole "poor me" rant, my self-loathing increased immensely, so I started to make a list of all the things I'm thankful for. I couldn't stand drowning in my own misery and needed something to help me refocus. I was thankful for garbage disposals, toilet paper (of which I currently have a healthy supply), electricity, cell phones, clean sheets, etc. Anything that gave me a sense of comfortability or ease in life was being put on the list. Maybe having a sense of gratitude helped move things along. Who knows? Either way, my heart was genuine and I currently have even more to be thankful for. And if my heart is right, I suspect there will be much more happiness in the near future. Thanks for riding the journey with me.

Slip Slidin' Away

2011-08-01T19:41:00.001-05:00

"Slip slidin' away...slip slidin' away. You know the nearer your destination, the more you're slip slidin' away." ~ Paul Simon

I love Garfield. Garfield says, "You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday." Kinda wishing today had been Tuesday instead of Monday. Also kinda wishing that maybe Monday had never happened. I very rarely have days like this anymore, but I cried. A lot. I also tried not to cry. A lot. I did the best I could to pretend that I was just mad and focused. I was told today that I give the impression of being bulletproof - always bouncing back, finding the positive, focusing on the good, etc. Today was not one of those days. I'm tired, and I'm really tired of trying to hold it all together when the reality is that nothing is together and I just want to stay in bed and cry. A lot. I'm feeling sad, angry, frustrated, defeated, and drained.

Today, I felt like the romantic story of my life - resigning from my job without having a backup plan, hoping to start a non-profit for victims of human trafficking, being a full-time mom, looking twenty-something forever, meeting the man who will love me in return, etc. - all has a very tragic ending. And, to be entirely realistic, it very well could even when the pity party is all said and done. And, that sucks. I just didn't have it in me today to even convince myself that everything will be okay. I learned today that avoidance is my survival technique. Apparently, I don't like to feel sad anymore. Mainly, that's because I spent a lot of time feeling sad a couple years ago and it really didn't do me any good. It was as if sad was a tiny little snowball that started on the peak of oh, say...Mt. Everest, and then slowly rolled and rambled its way down the slopes until it turned into a freaking large mass of irrepressible sadness the size of Jupiter. Yuck. I have no desire to go there again. I hated it. So, somewhere along the way, I decided to recognize my sad feelings and turn the other cheek. Sounds clever, but probably not so mature. I guess all I needed to do was just feel sad for a little while, bawl and cry and sniffle and sob and then be done. Not sure if I'm predisposed to being a melancholy personality or if I'm just sadistic. Eh.

So close, yet so far away.

I don't really get why life is going this direction for me again. I really thought the last time around when everything came crashing in and I was all alone, that everything was only going to go uphill from where I began.  It never occured to me that I would go up and then plummet down. I mean I knew that could happen, but my well-tuned avoidance technique has allowed me to believe that it wouldn't. After judging my facial expressions today when I assured them that everything was going to be just fine, a friend said, "I don't think you believe that it's going to get better. You think it will go uphill for awhile and then fall apart again." I was aghast. I'm supposed to be the friend that figures everyone else out. No one's supposed to see right through me. Crap. It's true. I have hopes. I have dreams. I tell myself it will get better, and yet there's this very teeny, tiny nasty part inside of me that just doesn't believe that I'm worth it. I often ignore this part of me, but on days like today, it creeps out and slithers all around my heart and my mind and leaves me feeling done. Cooked. Baked.  Barbecued. Burned.

I joked with my sister earlier that maybe I had accidently taken a vow of poverty and God was taking it seriously. I'm not laughing anymore.  After years of zero (z.e.r.o.) professional accomplishment, it takes all I can muster to think for a second that I'm capable of handling anything more than a part-time, minimum wage job despite the fact that I have a college degree and graduated with a great GPA and I like to think I'm a generally good person to hire. After running into love a couple times in this life and having it not only not run back, but actually run in the other direction, I'm fairly certain that I was meant to live alone....where I will die alone and no one will find me until weeks later, half eaten by wild dogs. (Thank you, Bridget Jones.) The problem with all of this is that it's how I feel...not what I really believe. It's my insecurity talking (and apparently, it's got a loud voice). I know exactly how this world sees me when I'm placed on paper: low-income, divorced, single mother, no car, no home, no tv, no more milk, running low on toilet paper and ice cream (the lack of said objects is not necessarily correlated), etc. There's just this very stubborn part of me that wants to rise above it and prove not just to them that I can do it, but prove to myself that I'm worth it. Tawanda!!!

To make all of this applicable, I have decided that I would like to be like Garfield...in short, a cat. The thing with cats is that they always land on their feet. You can throw a cat in the air, it can twist and turn, and it will still land on its feet. Currently, I'm an Odie. I am the sweet, timid, floppy puppy that has been thrown in the air and short of a miracle happening, I'm pretty sure the puppy is going to go Splat! So, for now, my avoidance technique is to mentally figure out how I am going to morph from a puppy to a cat.  Let the twisting and turning begin. *Meow*

Oh Bla Di Oh Bla Da

2011-07-18T11:26:00.001-05:00

"Oh bla di, oh bla da...life goes on, brah!  Lala how the life goes on..." ~ The Beatles

It hasn't been quite 48 hours since the accident and there is much to be said. First of all, thank you to everyone who has commented, prayed, connected, offered help, etc. My phone has been full of kind messages and voicemails, my facebook page, inbox, and even the blog have essentially blown up. If I ever needed a vehicle, a nurse, food, care, love, or support I have no shortage of offers or connections. I've been humbled by all of you.  I am so blessed.

Now that I have a few of my bearings back in place (although a trip to the chiropractor today may change that), there are a couple of things I want to clarify. I deleted some parts from my previous post because I did not do a very good job of explaining and after re-reading, I realized that it portrayed something inaccurate. Yes, my ex-husband and my kids did drive by in a U-haul, but they did stop.  The stinger for me was the reality of the moment - the fact that my world is changing and my boys' world is changing, not that my ex didn't stop. He did stop and let me hold my boys until they were most definitely uncomfortable being squeezed in near 100 degree heat while standing near the interstate with their full-facepainted Gene Simmons look-alike mother in heels. (Although, if they had let me, I would have squeezed them non-stop for another day or two.)

My family (minus this year's two babies Gwen and Josiah): Erin, Matt, Lizzie,
Isaak, Papa, Roman, myself, Mama, Elliott, Lesley, Levi, and Jason

At some point the questions have to be asked - why did Saturday turn out the way it did? Why didn't I stop at McDonald's in Stuart and get the sweet tea I wanted instead of convincing myself to wait until I got to West Des Moines? Why didn't my car roll? Why can't I remember how I managed to get from the westbound lane back into the median, but I can remember vividly thinking of Jennie? Why didn't my air bags deploy? Why am I still upright, walking and talking (albeit stiff and sore)? How am I ever going to drive on the interstate again? How do I let this experience settle inside me and not consume me? Notice I said the questions have to be asked - not answered. I don't expect answers. I just feel blessed. Scared. Shaken. Confused. But, most assuredly, blessed.

Obviously when things like this happen, it causes some reflection. I've been hit with some difficult things to process. Asking God why I'm still here - wondering what it is that I'm supposed to do with this life, when so many others aren't given another chance. How do I begin to understand what the purpose of that is? Responding to the relationships in my life, I'm prone to readily giving my heart away in hopes of something beautiful being returned. Knowing that over the years, I've placed hope in others and their broken promises and essentially have given up on myself in the process. Saturday tells me that God hasn't given up on me...so what have I been doing? What will the landscape of relationships look like after this? Things haven't been so great with my family the last couple of years, but I realized (especially after this weekend) how incredible family truly is. How sad that I have wasted my time withdrawing from them or even complaining. To have a family to withdraw from or complain about is in and of itself a huge blessing, and I was taking it for granted.

So, for now, I just wanted to say "thank you." God is good, and no matter where we are in life, no matter what we think, see, feel, know...there is so much more. We are blessed - greatly.

These Dreams

2011-07-16T20:54:00.002-05:00

"There's somethin' out there I can't resist. These dreams go on when I close my eyes..." ~ Heart

What I'm writing tonight is about as raw as I will ever get. Instead of playing in the band at church tonight, having dinner with a friend, and taking in the newest Harry Potter movie, I just returned to my home, escorted by my parents and a tow truck. In what I'm going to call a life-giving experience, I survived a car accident today that in the whole five seconds it took place, I was repeating out loud, "I'm going to die," and believing with my heart and mind that this is what dying feels like. I was waiting for the sound of impact, the sound of death. One of the first things that flew into my mind was my friend, Jennie. I was thinking, "I wonder if this is how she felt when her accident happened. Did she know? What did she see, experience?" (My best friend from high school, Jennie, was killed in a car accident when we were juniors in college.) Obviously, I didn't die. I'm truly grateful and believe with my whole heart that there were angels shielding my car and my life. Right now the trauma of what actually occurred is very real to me. I just got off the phone with my insurance agent and he said, "I don't want to upset you, but that's how most interstate fatalities happen. You must have had someone else in the driver's seat with you."

Stylin' car - sportin' a 'stache and beard of grass.

In a nutshell, I was driving east on I-80 passing a camper tralier. I was in a line of cars with two pick-up trucks in front of me. We were going atleast 70mph. Both trucks quickly veered out of the left lane, the first into the right lane and the second onto the left shoulder. I was faced with a lot of debris in the road, so I swerved hard to the left to avoid hitting the right lane traffic and the other truck on the shoulder that had since hit his brakes. I hit the deep ditch median, climbed up the opposing side, wound up in front of an oncoming westbound semi that swerved to avoid me, I somehow managed to spin around, get back through the median and came to a slow crawl on the shoulder of the eastbound side of the interstate where I sat shaking uncontrollably, determined to get back across the interstate so I could get out and assess the damage to my car. When I finally stopped, I'd lost a shoe and an earring - I don't really know why that was important to me, but the memory is stuck. I dumbly limped around my car and started pulling at the enormous clumps of dirt and grass stuck everywhere - bumper, tires, hood, tailpipe, etc. Not a person that watched me fly off the interstate stopped. After I'd walked around my car a couple times, a very kind woman stopped, called the highway patrol and the rest is hot and sweaty history.

Hungry car had some dirt and grass fresh from the median.

I didn't die today for a reason. I'm not sure what that reason is. Oh, I know I have a purpose, but I'm definitely scraping the bottom of the barrel of life right now. I joked with my mom later that all of this will come in handy when I'm writing that screenplay that will earn millions. Really, you can't write movies this good! Despite all of that, I had the most lovely friends call to check on me. The worship leader at church called and checked in. I was never left to feel alone.

My sister was a God-send. While watching her three beautiful boys, she kept me company on the phone for over an hour and a half so that I wasn't alone. We talked about everything and she put up with my exhausted rambling. I told her about how I had spent over an hour straightening my naturally curly hair today and in two laps around my car in the humidity and heat, it went back to looking like a dark blonde cotton candy beehive. I'd been crying so much, I was certain that my well-intentioned liquid eyeliner had made enough streaks down my cheeks to liken me to Gene Simmons offspring. She told me about her boys and all the silly things they say and do. It hit me today, that despite everything, when it really comes down to it, your family is the one that is there to see you through. Before he left tonight, my dad said with tears in his eyes, "It may be difficult to do, but your car can be replaced. But you - I can never replace you." You know, when all is said and done, the love of a mother and father, the love of family, and the love of life - those are things that can never be replaced. The rest is in God's hands. <3

Crows and Locusts

2011-07-09T15:12:00.001-05:00

"She limps on up to the top of the mount. Looks at the faltered harvest. Feels her sweat in the ground and the burn in her nose and the knowin' in her guts somethin's still gonna grow. She ain't leavin' 'til it does..." ~ Brooke Fraser

I finally watched the movie Bridesmaids this week. Melissa McCarthy is responsible for residual pain in my cheeks and side from laughing harder than I have in a very long time. She's traveled a great distance since being the lovable Sookie from Stars Hollow in Gilmore Girls. Anyway, if you haven't seen it and hope to, prepare yourself for overt innuendos and crass humor. Underneath all the chaos, though, is a storyline that kicked me in the gut. The main character hits "rock bottom". She loses her business and can't maintain a replacement job, boyfriend dumps her and she settles for a Grade A loser, she lives with two outrageously disgusting British imports who eventually kick her out, she has no money, her car falls apart, and over the course of several mishaps, she also loses her best friend. When the weight of everything crashes in on her, she's sitting in her dilapitated car and my poor-me self was thinking, "Yup. Now add two kids to the backseat."

I know that woeful bit sounds pathetic and mopey. Every once in awhile, though, I'm reminded of where I've been and it makes me sad. Fortunately, I'm not there anymore. Periodically traveling back to those moments becomes painful because I really don't think of them during my day to day life anymore. That time no longer controls me, my heart, or my hope. All of that brokenness has led me to where I am now, and quite frankly, I am in possession of a really beautiful life.

There's something to be said about fighting the good fight and finishing the race. Brooke Fraser's song, Crows and Locusts, resonates with me and my heart. It's all about a vision, a dream, a desire and the strongest belief that you will not relent until it is accomplished.

Every day my hopes and dreams are changing, evolving. When I think back to those dark days, I realize that so much of what pulled me through was holding on to the hope that there was something better to experience and live. I haven't attained all that I'm searching for yet, but I won't give up. I don't often ask rhetorical questions in this blog, but since I know a few of you read it, let me ask you to ponder this: What dreams will you never abandon? What hopes will you fight for despite everything kicking you aside? What will you stand up for when no one else is standing with you?

Some time ago, my friend Scott said, "God will either heal your wounds or make you a wounded healer." Even through the rough patches, there is a purpose. There is a plan. There is a hope. Just don't give up.

Valley of Tomorrow

2011-06-22T20:02:00.000-05:00

"When the daylight breaks through the buildings of Chicago, I will stand alone in the valley of tomorrow...I'll never second guess the little voice I heard - it's just a whisper..." ~ needtobreathe

Right now, I'm curled up on an over-stuffed couch tucked away in a back bedroom at a friend's house in a northern suburb of Chicago. I brought four books, two bikinis, and one laptop for this vacation. My intent was to split my time between the backyard's swinging hammock and the beach of Lake Michigan, working on my tan and intellect. Despite my careful packing and planning, the sun didn't get my memo. Or, if it did, it doesn't have a lot of time or respect for me. On Day 1, I had to buy a fedora because the humidity in Chicago was so dense, my hair took on an alien life form all of its own. I know my hair is longer, but it had taken flight literally inches off my head, and it desperately needed to be grounded. On Day 2, I had to buy a cardigan because the wind was so cold, my heaviest shirt couldn't protect me from freezing. On Day 3, my friend and I battled the rain inside a high-end thrift store, where we conquered an unprecedented battle. For less than $60, I now own three tennis skirts, one sports bra, one flaming hot red number that will be this year's NYE dress, two H&M skirts, one Ralph Lauren skirt, two other skirts, and a pair of beyond-adorable t-strap heels adorned with bows. I am woman, hear me ROAR!! Day 4, the rain and wind conquered me and I decided to watch a documentary on Anti-Semitism and then finished my morning with a foreign film. So much for working on my tan or intellect. (On a plus side, I ran over a mile every day! Woo hoo!)

I realize that I haven't been very good at keeping up with this blog. (I do appreciate being casually reminded...thank you, friends!) When I first started writing on here, there were years of baggage that were volcanically needing to escape. Every day I had something new brewing and stewing inside that needed to get out. I was going through a learning process that at the time created an internal frenzy, and writing was very therapeutic. I'm not so much there right now. And to be honest, when I first started writing, I was really seeking something deeper and more meaningful - I desperately needed to have a purpose for this life. In the last 2 1/2 years, I've really changed and grown. I am still compelled to dig deeper (as deep calls to deep), but the current contentment in my life is beyond anything I've ever experienced. I owe so much of that to being able to spill my heart out on the pages of this blog. I know that my posts have been few and far between lately. It seems as though, just like life, there are times when there is much that needs to be said and yet there are other times in which words no longer suffice.

Chillin' n Chicago... <3

Writing is a very internal thing for me. It comes from deep within my heart and soul. As it is, I've been challenged to start externalizing what my heart knows. Whether it's a conversation with a friend, an unexpected visit with a stranger, a helping hand in a grocery store parking lot, a contemplative article, or whatever else comes my way, I'm finding myself living the life that I always wanted. It's not so much about the gadgets, gizmos, quick-fixes, and feel-goods anymore. It's something deeper, something richer. And as a result, my insides are no longer furious and needing to erupt. I've found peace and it's wrapped in a thick blanket of Faith, Hope, and Love. Oh, I know all too well that reality is cyclical. I'm not quitting this blog anytime soon - I suspect that I won't remain in this contentment forever, and I'm going to need a place to share, grow, embarrass myself, and mature. In the meantime, thank you for reading. Your feedback is glorious and well-liked (even the criticisms). So, until next time, I send my warmest love from the blustery city of Chicago!

Over The Sun

2011-05-25T16:35:00.002-05:00

"Get over the sun where life is hidden." ~ Shane and Shane

Yesterday I sat on the indoor steps of the school where I have worked for the last three years. There was a torrential downpour ensuing outside, and I was biding my time before carrying a hefty load of memories to my car. Even though I have known for quite some time that yesterday would be my last day there, the gravity of reality came kerplunking down in pools on my head and heart and spilled down my cheeks. Yesterday was my last day at this school that I have come to love, my last day in education, my last day with students, my last day of school lunch, recess duty, principals, professional development, long holiday vacations, summer vacation, etc. After crying and pretending not to cry in front of my closest peers, I was quick to remark, "There's no reason to cry. It's not like any of us is dead. We should be celebrating." Sometimes I really hate it when I try convincing myself by encouraging others...

I was hypnotized by the raindrops dancing in puddles outside, and my thoughts started doing what they always do - running laps. Lots and lots of laps. It occurred to me that I'm on the brink of something huge. My entire life, up to the moment that I was sitting on the steps of the school, I have dreamed of living something different. I used dreams as a means to help me escape a life that I wasn't happy living. At some point in the last year, I kissed insecurity good-bye. I quit living my life for other people. I decided that taking a risk was worth more than the comfort of security. So, I wrote a fancy-schmancy letter of resignation. And, I don't even have another job lined up yet. >>pause<< *breathe in, breathe out* Yep. I did that. Me. Type-A, much afraid, never-leave-my-comfort-zone, terrified I'll fail so why bother trying, Me. The only thing I know is that I have no doubt in my mind that exactly the right job will open at exactly the right time, and I will be one step closer to my dreams becoming reality. Yesterday revealed that to me. Yesterday was the chasm between what was a life lived for others and a life full of dreams and possibilities.

I did have an interview today. I learned more about myself during this process. Several days ago, a friend said that I underestimate myself. Augh. I do not know how to respond when people say nice things to/about me. I didn't handle it well at that time, but only because I really struggle to believe it. I teeter in and out of thinking too highly or too lowly of myself and that greatly affects the way I interact with the rest of the world. I was so nervous about my interview today. I'm entering a workforce (business, corporate America) where they might as well speak Mandarin for as much as I know about it. I'm such a novice that I don't even know what I don't know. When they ask me if I have questions, the only viable one I can concoct is, "I'm not sure. Do I?" Today, I was tested on some run-of-the-mill office stuff. I felt so stupid. Not only was I getting a headache, but I was sweating and feeling like I was at a desk with an ACT booklet splayed open trying to solve a calculus problem that was in Greek or Sanskrit or some other ancient language. Ugh. After the testing, I met with a recruiter that I had initially contacted. I asked her about the tests. I told her I felt like an idiot (which as a recommendation, isn't the best tactic to use when interviewing for a job), and she just blinked at me. Apparently I scored really well. Higher than necessary actually. The scores were exciting, but they really got me thinking. I'm insecure because I'm out of the boat that I've been sitting in for a very long time and now I am standing/wading/walking in waters where I've never been before. This is what I learned about me today: There's a reason I'm on this path. Dreams are attainable. I have a learning curve to overcome, but I'm not incapable of learning. In the end, it's become clear to me that I am living a new life in more ways than one...slowly yet surely getting over the sun.

That's What Love Is For

2011-04-02T17:05:00.003-05:00

"It's living through the fire, and holding on we find that's what love is for: round of the edges, talk us down from the ledges, give us strength to try once more. Baby, that's what love is for." ~ Amy Grant

A day at the pumpkin patch - about the time these two adorable little boys were told they would go to hell for their parent's divorce.

A couple nights ago I was feeling nostalgic and was watching all kinds of music videos from the 80's and 90's. I ran across Amy Grant's That's What Love is For and as I was listening to the music, I was scrolling through the comments left by other listeners. I guess it's no secret that Amy Grant went through a public divorce and re-marriage. A lot of the comments had to do with those two huge events in her life. A few comments had something to do with her music or her musical career. Mostly, there was a lot of negativity and I just quit reading, but I couldn't stop thinking about a lot of the comments made. As a matter of fact, that night I wasn't able to sleep very well. I was still contemplating a lot of the negativity and it hit a raw nerve for me. I went through a divorce, and although I'm no Amy Grant, everything about it was scrutinized by the world I was in at the time. For the past few years, with the exception of very close friends, I've kept some very painful details to myself. After reading the "Christian" commentators' explanations of Amy's "satanic" inclinations as well as her future in hell, I was so reminded of what I went through and what it did for me - both good and bad.

During my separation and divorce, I was asked to step down from leadership in my church in order to work on my family issues - with the exception of directing VBS because they weren't able to find a replacement (??), but all my other positions were given to my then-husband after I stepped down. After eight months of marriage counseling, I was told by my "Christian" peers (none of which attended the counseling sessions) that I wasn't trying hard enough. I was told that I was just giving up. I was told that I was only loving in a conditional way. My children were told they were "going to hell" because of their parent's divorce. I was told that the reason that I lost my job (apart from the obvious economic-based budget cuts), was because of the choices I had made in the previous two years - God was clearly punishing me. I was accused of having an affair. I was told that God didn't really care about my life unless it was righteous. I was the object of lies, accusations, and gossip. Although, on the flip-side, I was complimented on how great I looked after losing 20 lbs, nevermind it had to do with the inability to eat or sleep due to stress. In one fell swoop, I had lost my church family and my immediate family - the solid rocks I clung to throughout my life up to that point. I had some incredibly steadfast friends that remained by my side, but the landscape of my relationships went from lush, rolling hills to a cactus or two in the desert. I was alone, and although I never wavered in my belief in a God that existed somewhere, I sure as hell didn't believe for a second that He was anything to me, nor was I to Him.

At that time, I had a hard time accepting a God who couldn't get His story straight. There were a lot of people that, apparently, He kept sending with "messages" that I "needed to hear" in order to get my life "back on track". The funny part was that none of the messages were the same. (At the time, it wasn't funny, though. It was exhausting, defeating, and spirit-crushing.) God obviously had a lot to say to me, and He was using a lot of people to do it. So, what was that whole thing I heard once about a God that wanted a relationship with me? Clearly, that was crap. Add to that, the fear of condemnation I've lived in since I was old enough to process thoughts, and you have a woman determined to avoid that God-thing that everyone else claimed to be in close connection with (one person actually crossing two fingers together symbolically showing me how close she and God were, therefore indicating that I should listen more closely to her advice). It's draining even recalling all of those memories.

Initially when I sat down to write, I thought I was going in a direction that would land-blast all of the people-haters on the youtube page as well as the people in my life that just really didn't get it. I thought that maybe I'd end up sharing all kinds of details about the process I went through to get to where I am today, but as it is, I've decided not to for now. Because, ultimately, when it comes down to it, that's what Love is for. I've learned that God doesn't need spokesmen/women, including me. I guess what I've garnered today and in the couple days since reading those posts, is that judgment by others is painful and awful. Reading those comments was somewhat like picking a scab that I thought had healed. I realize that I have some unresolved issues that I should probably take care of before I decide to publically act out my own judgment on others. In the meantime, I guess I get to self-reflect a little on what it means to think I know what's best or right for myself or others...and how best to love both in and through the circumstances that life has to offer.

Real To Me

2011-03-21T21:23:00.003-05:00

"Lay down the sword and put away the doctrine. Love a little more, love a little more, 'cuz everybody's broken. Be real to me now. That's all I'm asking." ~ Nichole Nordeman

This week I was reminded that love is blind. For me and my pea-pickin' heart, it's also 'deaf, dumb, dyslexic, with a bad hip, or the beginning of Alzheimers.' (keyes) As a result, I often find myself dazed and disillusioned by the achings and breakings of my soul organ. On my best days, I'm ridiculously romantic. On my not-so-best days, I'm just ridiculous. I've found myself quite content with who I've become, and yet I can't seem to stop the flurry of over-analyzing, scanning, doubting, toss-it!, catch-it! thoughts. (Hey, you've never heard that in this blog before, right??)

I just returned from a brief hiatus from Facebook. I've often said that Facebook is the devil. Of course, I don't actually believe that Facebook is the devil. It's just devilish to me on some occasions. In particular are those nasty (echo: nasty...y...y) relationship status updates. I suppose if you're happily married then it's no big deal, but for the single population out there (and no, I'm not referring to the 12-year olds who have been 'single for three years'), that little heart icon can make you want to throw laptops or punches, eat ice cubes et nauseum, or melt your heart. Anyway, I'm digressing here. The point is that, for me, Facebook had become an emotional in-n-out. I realized how stressed out I was trying to keep up with everyone's lives (which I genuinely want to know about), keep everyone informed on my life (God help me!), and somehow do all of it with a grace and ease that maintained an image that is wholesome and pure. The truth is that some of the things I read broke my heart, and I didn't know how to respond or whether or not to respond. Some of the things I wanted to say weren't very nice, nor was the fact that I really couldn't say what I was really thinking/feeling without compromising the general idea of who I like to be. And some of the people that I count as friends, quite frankly, aren't very friendly. I was soaking all of this into my heart and was somewhere near emotional frazzlement when it dawned on me that I was doing this all to myself. Hello, Reality, so nice of you to visit again.

Having been on a crash-course of self-reflection the last two weeks, I've learned some things about myself that were probably there all along, I just couldn't see them. It was the classic case of not knowing what I didn't know. First of all, I realized I have a bit of a control problem. I would very much like to elaborate on this, and how it became clear to me, but let's just spare you the embarrassment. (Mine, not yours. Gracious thanks. And, no, I'm not being controlling here.) Second, I have been a no-good underachiever for a very long time. This would be easier to explain, however quite lengthy. So, this time, I will accept your gracious thanks. Third, although I have been taught to guard my heart, I wear it on my sleeve, loving with very little discrimination, often finding myself wandering around all naked in wonderment unsure of how I wound up on a lonely, deserted road of singledom. (Ugh.) And finally, I learned that I'm really not very good at relationships - any relationship at all: friend, sister, daughter, employee, mother, etc. Oh, I know I'm nice and smart and genuine, but I really do not know how to be "with" people. I am exceptionally guilty of treating others as I would want to be treated, and now that I've realized I'm a bit of an anomaly, that's just not going to ever work out so well. To be in relationship, you actually have to take the time to get to know someone else to know how they want to be treated. Epic fail on my end. See, I've been busy! And slightly overwhelmed. But, definitely hopeful that there is a better me (a real me) waiting on the other end of all this.

But, let's take a look at these things through a new pair of glasses, shall we? There are elements of the negative entertwined with the positive, but there are some things that I very much like about me. That same controlling problem I have that has severed many cords of relationship, has also kept this life afloat through years of abuse and insecurity. There may have been an element of stubborness involved as well, but at the core of it, I believe there is the element of not allowing something or someone to control my life. In addition, that same heart of mine that loves so indiscriminately, broke and bled last week as I watched the terror in Japan. Every fiber of my being screams to rush into those places and hold the ones who hurt, cry with the ones who cannot speak, and be hope to someone can no longer find it on their own. That's not a normal response to these kinds of tragedies; my heart has been designed for love and action. That's a gift. And , finally, the way that I would want to be treated, although sometimes painful, is through honesty and love. Neither of those two qualities are easy pills to swallow when we are (uh, hum....I am) wrapped in blankets of selfishness and pride (which I've confessed my general aversion to). Nichole Nordeman's song resonates with me: "Love a little more, cuz everybody's broken." I believe that. I am that. I'm also searching for that.

I'm Not Who I Was

2011-01-17T21:15:00.000-06:00

"I wish you could see me now. I wish I could show you how I'm not who I was." ~ Brandon Heath

Macaroni and Cheese is quite possibly the most disgusting food substance I've ever encountered. In another ridiculously humbling post, I am confessing my transformation from being an amateur gourmet chef, planning and preparing meals days in advance, to a "Let's order pizza or have Ramen tonight" kind of cook.

See, it all comes down to this very deep problem I have. Once upon a time, I cared what other people thought of me. I had a competitive streak that compelled me to try everything once and be the absolute best at achieving the desired outcome. I did this in a lot of areas in my life: work, music, cooking, knitting, spelling, clothing, friendships, interests, etc. I was like that Penelope chick on SNL, only I wasn't quite as extrinsic with my thoughts. (http://www.hulu.com/watch/107509/saturday-night-live-penelope) As I've shared in this blog, so much of who I am has changed. I no longer have a desire to "beat out" others. I no longer feel compelled to be the best at everything, mainly because I know I'm good enough just as I am - awards or not. So, as a whole, the transformed "me" is a good thing. Here's where it starts getting complicated...

In my quest to become a less-intense, overachieving self, I have also lost most of my drive to be anything remarkable in most areas of my life. Where I used to lead music/worship, I am now more content simply participating in the background. Where I used to lead groups and activities, I no longer participate. Where I used to fix real meals with real ingredients, I now choose the easy route. Where I used to have passion about my faith, I hold my tongue. I have become complacent, and let's just face it - lazy.

Tonight as I was making (God forgive me) macaroni and cheese for the boys, I was finally struck with a lightning bolt of guilt and shame. What have I become? Being a person so naturally trained to perform for others - overachieving and competitive, somewhere I lost my mind's eye audience. I quit performing, but I also quit caring. It's not that I've become an entirely complacent person. I am passionate about several things, but nothing that requires routine or a flair for the mundane (i.e., cooking, cleaning, organizing, etc.). It seems like the things that used to be very important to me, the things that I wrapped my identity around, I have sub-consciously decided no longer matter. But, some of those things do still matter - the end result just doesn't have to require a first-place trophy.

Tonight, I was smacked in the face by a small, curved noodle covered in processed, powdered cheese "food." That is terribly embarrassing. But, like G.I. Joe said, "Knowing is half the battle." My favorite auto parts dealer, Zalinsky, (Tommy Boy) appropriately follows with, "Went a little heavy on the pine tree perfume, kid....next step is washing it out."

*Disclaimer: My aversion to mac-n-cheese is really not a judgment on anyone else who makes it. I'm simply using it as an illustration. In keeping with "hate the sin, love the sinner," I hate the mac-n-cheese, not the person who makes it. ;)

Bad Day

2010-12-30T00:14:00.004-06:00

"Cuz you had a bad day. The camera don't lie. You're coming back down and you really don't mind. You had a bad day." ~ Daniel Powter

Have you ever had a bad day? Sure. We all have, right? Well, I have this amazing ability to make Bridget Jones look like a manicured celebrity savant. You'll never guess what I did today. I fell. Oh, no - not the "oops!-I-just-tumbled-wow!-that-was-close" fall. It was the kind of fall that happens when you're coolly checking your non-existant text messages to look important whilst sashaying down the post office steps and somehow you miss a step or something to that effect and you land on the pavement at the bottom of the steps with your knees and nose. And for that one very brief moment you have that utter terror of realizing what you've just done. Your knees and pride are screaming at you in equal volume, "Get off the sidewalk!!" Your eyes are darting around to see if anyone A) is going to come to your aid, you poor soul, B) is going to laugh at you, or C) actually saw your new dance move that you intentionally rehearsed in a public forum.

I fell because I was distracted. I was distracted because I was checking my text messages (again, let me emphasize NON-EXISTANT text messages). I was checking my messages because my ego needed a boost. Why did my ego need a boost? Because I was feeling lonely. Why was I feeling lonely? Because for like the umpteenth-billionish time, I realized that I just wasn't right for someone else. And that hurt my feelings. And I felt lonely. And then I suddenly realized every single little thing about me that isn't perfect and then I thought (albeit briefly) that even though I was wearing an amazing skirt with my brown leather boots and a very amazing tres chic scarf, and looking quite confident and fashionable, I am probably destined to spend the rest of my days holed up in a psuedo-content life-sized version of Murphy Brown. Ugh.

Posted is a pic that was taken of me about 2 1/2 years ago and it is an embarrassment to me to even have it in public. But to maintain the authenticity of this blog, I believe it's crucial to just be honest. At that time, I was feeling pretty much the same way I do now. I promised my mom I wouldn't do that online dating thing, so a pic like that is pretty pointless nowadays. BUT, I remember how I was feeling when that pic was taken: I thought that if someone, anyone would see that and like it, then there was a chance that maybe they'd like me too....and all of the fluttering wings that suspend my romantic heart in time would carry that fickle organ to its happy ending. (Insert *sigh* here.) Well, I learned the very hard way that there is a great deal of attention to be had when one presents herself in that way. I also learned that none of it was what I was looking for, although I was admittedly fooled for a long time. I'm a little older now. Maybe a little wiser. I still (obviously) have very insecure moments where the prospect of being alone lends itself to bouts of talking to myself for entertainment and reassurance purposes, as well seems a wee bit depressing, but the truth is this: I would rather be alone with myself, knowing who I am and what I'm worth, than to be with someone that I manipulated, connived, and seduced into carelessly "loving" me when in fact, they are incapable of that very high calling. I/You/We are so much better/classier/stronger/smarter than that! Oh, I fully anticipate falling again someday (on the sidewalk, that is, certainly doubtful of that whole falling in love bit), because I forget even the simplest things sometimes, but thank God I don't have to stay there in un-fairytale land!

Stay tuned for New Year's Eve photos of my "adorable" dress and bandaged kneecaps!

Timothy's Burden

2010-12-09T17:26:00.002-06:00

"I'm takin' on Timothy's burden, not ashamed to wear these chains. If I suffer things uncertain, I'm gonna count my loss for gain. I'll keep the faith and fight the fight." ~ First Call

Papa and the boys, about 6 years ago. Muscles come from somewhere, right?

Fear. It seems silly to be afraid, almost juvenile to a degree, but fear is definitely the one thing that paralyzes me. It's what makes me the procrastinator I am. It also keeps me from establishing much success.

Well, times are a changin', folks. Back in August, a huge vision was dumped in my lap for the creation of a safehouse for victims of human trafficking and sex slavery here in the United States. Did you know that the average victim of these domestic crimes is a 13-year old girl? Yuck. I've always had a passion for justice, and an ability to care and educate. Everything about the make-up of my internal longings comes down to this purpose. I hope to be up and running an aftercare program, full of therapies and love and hope in very little time. For obvious reasons, I can't disclose locations, but this "ranch" will begin soon. It's really quite exciting, isn't it?

Here's where it gets ugly...and here's where this blog starts to become something of a crazy beast full of truth...my world's converging, let's say. I've often been asked why I'm so passionate about this particular ministry. Truthfully, since I was a young child, I have had a strong interest in social injustices. When I was 7 or 8-years old, I remember reading books about Harriet Tubman and Frederick Douglas. I was fascinated with the Underground Railroad and the whole issue of slavery in the United States. As I matured, my obsession turned to the Holocaust in the 1930's/40's. I know more trivial facts about the holocaust, medical experimentation, concentration camps, and death camps than any normal person would care to know. I feasted on books about pre-WWII discrimination and prejudice. I read Shirer's The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich....for fun. So, that's what I tell people. "I've always been passionate about justice issues." This is true, but it's not the whole truth.

When I'm asked that question about my interest, very few get my real answer. Here's the truth: I've been raped. I've been sexually abused. I know what sleeping curled in the fetal position on the corner of a bed with one eye open is. I've had the physical bruises and I still have the emotional scars. I know guilt and shame, and I know what hopeless feels like. And, I've spent a good portion of my adult life refusing to accept it. I don't want to be known as "that woman that was raped," nor do I want to be treated with kid-gloves as though I'm fragile and breakable. If I had my choice, I'd continue to pretend like it never happened - over and over. I'd like to close my eyes, fall into a deep sleep, and realize the whole of all those years was all just a very bad dream. But, it wasn't. It happened, and it's a part of my past whether I want to deal with it or not. The physical abuse was certainly bad enough, but the emotional/mental abuse that accompanied it is what has kept me living in fear with shame and guilt keeping me company for years. But, not anymore. Let me repeat that: NOT ANYMORE!

It took me a long time to learn about an unconditional love that could be trusted. It has taken even longer for me to accept that I'm not supposed to just survive in that love, but thrive in it as well. I will not be able to identify with every aspect of pain these girls have had to endure. I will never for a second believe that my story could ever be more than what their heart knows. But, I do know hopelessness, fear, shame, and distrust. I can see them, and understand them - I have felt them. By grace, though, I have come to know love, care, trust, forgiveness...life. I want that for others. I want that for these girls. The safehouse can provide that for them, or atleast introduce them to something more, something real.

First, though, I have to fight the good fight and finish my race. I am nothing to these girls if I have not myself learned to stand. Before I can dive into a life of ministry, I have to face my past - face my fears...and that means doing some things that I've avoided doing for a long time. But, I know I'm not alone. It's muscle-time!

Forget You

2010-12-06T22:06:00.002-06:00

"Although there's pain in my chest, I still wish you the best with a 'Forget you'." ~ Cee Lo/Glee

One "Fragile" Leg Lamp Costume.
It would make more sense if you saw the leg, but
the photog missed that cue. ;)

"Let your walls fall." That's what my friend, Shawna, told me tonight. She also told me she was my big sis and she was here to help. That makes my world swirl. I'm pretty much dizzy with overwhelming gratitude, love, and appreciation. I've never had a big sis (or big brother, either), and that short little line alone made me all giddy. Here's the background, and here's where this is headed:

Background: DWF, 33, INTJ, 'DIS(C - that's me!), Dr. Leman's "Disgruntled Perfectionist", and an absolutely insecure, prideful know-it-all....meets humbling failure. I should also mention that although the Myers-Briggs says that I'm a 'thinker' as opposed to a 'feeler,' they are actually quite close in scores. I have one of those bleeding hearts that loves big and hurts big. (But, have no worries, the thinker in me prevents me from having little if any affection for animals. bark, bark!) ;)

Where This is Headed: I think it's time I did what Shawna suggested - let my walls fall. The ironic part is that she has no idea how many of those walls have already fallen. I won't belabor what I spent the majority of the first year of this blog writing about, but chip by chip, piece by piece, walls have been falling all around in such a large fashion that even Joshua would be impressed.

Somewhere in this dichotomic +1 life of mine, I have the life I live and the life I want to live and the life I want you to think I live. All too often, they are not the same thing. And, I will also all too often, try very hard to prevent anyone that I don't want to disappoint from seeing all of me. I've done it for a very long time with this blog. See, I'm sneaky...you didn't realize that, did you? :) I say I've made those decisions to protect others, but the truth is that my pride is on the line, and I just don't like to gamble with it. As I have withheld parts of me from family and friends (and let me just clarify - I have no major, ugly, shocking skeletons in my closet like surprising everyone with a love child, chemical dependency, or other similar aversions...we're talking more like just living/breathing/doing everyday things and making mistakes along the way like everyone else does....only I'm admitting I do that now instead of pretending that I don't), I've also learned to perfect hiding things from God. Of course, I know He knows it all anyway, but I get these silly little notions sometimes that I can fool Him - or better yet, that I've really disappointed Him so much that He doesn't care what I do anymore because He's written me off. And then I come to a point of crisis in my life, and I don't know where to turn because I've obviously upset God and I don't want to upset others in the process....hmmmm. Problem solved when God intervenes - whether through a friend, the written word, a quiet moment, or a whisper, and I get yanked back on track and it's Love. Choo, choo!

My walls are coming down, so I suspect there will be a few more candid shots of me on this blog. Did you know that I've been hiding my face on purpose?? That won't be happening much anymore. As the walls come down, the whole of me is converging into one amazing work of creation - almost like one of those 'smashes' from Glee. (I highly recommend Singin' In The Rain/Umbrella, by the way.) Although the process of changing/growing/maturing is a bit painful in the tweaking moments, I'm ready to say goodbye to the old. :) I"m like, 'Forget You!'

Unchain

2010-11-22T20:53:00.002-06:00

"Unchain me from my poverty; release my soul. Unchain my life. Let the doubt and darkness fall from my eyes. Unchain my dreams. Let the heavens of love open up in me. Unchain my life." ~ White Heart

That is a very good idea. I know! I love it! Time to make some pizza. What's that? Oh...just checking Facebook. Wow. I have not heard that song in forever! I'm sure you know it.... Just grabbing the door. Friends! Are you kidding me? Congratulations! You know the club can't handle me right now (insert booty shake). Would you like a little wine with that? Does this thing have a snooze button?

I am currently in a state of avoidance. I am ignoring the internal nudging to rename this blog "Random Tangentials," as that seems to be the only reasonable solution to the flying and flitting vacancies flapping through this silly mind of mine. Where have I been these past few months, you ask? I'd like to say Bora Bora or Borneo. I'd also like to say that I ran off with Jude Law, and no longer have the desire to eat sugar. (I've tried all of them with little return.) Bora Bora wouldn't take me and neither would Jude Law. Sugar has become my closest enemy and we are conquering small countries (namely thigh circumference and the waistline of my pants) together. I would very much like to ramble on and on and on about all of my very random thoughts. I would very much like to entertain you with my tangential behavior. I would very. much. like to avoid. what is there that I do not want to...not avoid.

I haven't quite nailed down the purpose of this post yet. Am I changing course? Yes. Is this blog going to change its overall color/tone? Yes. Am I changing? Yes. Am I trying to communicate that with you? Yes. Is there more to come? Yes. Do I know when/what/where/how/who? No. nope. Nope-ity, nope, nope, nope. This is what I know: I've spent years - YEARS! - living in the past. Planning my life and future on a changed past. Funny thing (my old friend, Pumbaa, used to say....), "You gotta leave your behind in the past." My romantic, emotional, wounded self never wanted to let go of the past because it was good enough and I was "content" there. I dreamed it could be better, but only by fixing the past. Well, I've atleast acknowledged the fact that short of owning my own Delorian and having a crazy friend named Doc spasmodically running from terrorist groups in a mall parking lot, I have no hope of making a Marty McFly out of a Calvin Klein underwear-wearing boy that my dad hit with a car....or something to that effect.

In a nutshell, I'm letting go. And you get to go along for the ride. Whether it's a captivating harmony or a random tangential, it's a life I'm set to live....and it's free to soar and change and create. Somewhere along this winding, yellow-brick road, I've found the only thing I need and the rest is the seasoning to it all. Grace.

I'm gonna go grab some ice cream. The vacuum's running and I have to feed the cat. I don't even own a cat, but that seems entirely too trivial. Toilet's overflowing and Glee is about to impress. Take off is in 3....2....

The Finer Things

2010-08-29T12:26:00.001-05:00

"Time is a river rolling into nowhere. I will live while I can, I will have my ever after. The finer things keep shining through." ~ Steve Winwood

Every once in awhile I get this fuzziness inside my head. It usually happens when I'm a little overwhelmed with things. For example, last night I was playing for a prayer event along with some really incredible muscians. My two boys were with me and had to hang out backstage. Due to some time management conflicts, the band did not have a chance to do an actual sound check or run through any of the songs prior to performance. That would normally be fine if we hadn't had one practice...over a week ago. Between the sound issues, my hope to stay in time with the click track (metronome), watching my "adorable" children periodically peeking their heads through the backstage black curtain during the performance (after explicitly being instructed to be quiet, invisible, and uncharacteristically kind to one another...which actually may have been a bit too demanding), and simply trying to focus on worship and the purpose of this gathering, my head was a rotating, swimming, breathless mess. In the few moments I was able to speak with others, my voice was louder, and my thoughts were syncopated. Any passers-by would have taken me for a ridiculous talking snapping turtle.

I remember one day riding in the backseat of the family car with my brother and sister. Mom was taking us somewhere...probably Grandma's. Anyway, the three of us were not exactly being the sweetest of cherubs. At one point Mom made a comment about the car shaking. Oops. It didn't take long before she belted out a plea for us to be quiet because "I can't see when you're so loud!" We laughed. That didn't make any sense. Or atleast it didn't then. But, now, I totally get it. It's just how I felt last night. There was so much going on...all my senses were so overwhelmed, that I couldn't think straight. Ugh. So, what? Is this some sort of mid-life crisis thing that everyone goes through? And if it is, where are all the headlines? "Another Mid-American Head Spins Off Leaving Family Devastated: Numbers Continue to Rise" Exactly.

I was thinking about all of these things this morning when I saw the threads connecting to my faith. Sometimes I get so caught up in doing the "right" thing or saying the "right" words (an unfortunate by-product of my eager-to-please personality) and I get so excited and busy, doing and saying all those things and juggling all those hopes and expectations and opportunities, that I forget to take time to slow down so that I can see...or hear...or just be still. Last night, Pastor Mike made a comparison of human doings to human beings. It seems as though we sometimes get programmed into doing, doing, doing, that we forget to "be." There are many ideas floating through my mind in response to that. But for now, I'm wondering if I can slow down enough to take an inventory of the things that cause me to delay or stunt the development of others as human beings, including myself. Better yet, how about taking an inventory of the things that I am missing while I am so busy as a human doing?

All Fall Down

2010-07-29T22:40:00.002-05:00

"The fool stands only to fall, but the wise trip on grace." ~ Sarah Masen

It's been so busy this summer. In what I thought would be a great opportunity to get back to writing daily, I have found sleep to be a precious commodity, and anything above and beyond my daily routine has fallen dramatically into the heaping "oops-didn't-get-that-done-either" pile. Despite the busyness, there has been plenty of time for learning, growing, relaxing, and messing up.

I had a breakthrough a couple weeks ago. I did something really stupid. It was one of those things where I probably should have been mentally prepared. I should have established some sort of "if this happens, then this is my response" boundary. I should have/could have/would have, but didn't. It was also one of those things where I completely forgot the promises that I've been given that if I just call on Him, He will move heaven and earth to rescue me. I thought instead (foolishly), that I could handle it all on my own. Wrong. I didn't look for help, and obviously, I also didn't win first prize in the Independent Spirit Contest.

In the past, making a decision like I did would have messed me up big time. I would have pitched a tent in the Camp of Shame somewhere far, far away from His gaze and grace, and I would have convinced myself that I had no business approaching Him, seeking forgiveness until I had wallowed in enough shame and regret that I truly bore the weight of it all on my own to a point where I could no longer carry it and was led to eventual internal combustion. Something was very different this time, though. It was majorly revolutionary for me. I knew I'd screwed up. I knew I did something I shouldn't have done. And I was embarrassed and ashamed. But, I went to Him right away. And, I realized that it was because He has become a man of relationship with me and not a man of law. Yes, the law exists, and that's why I knew I had done something I shouldn't have. But, I didn't allow the Big Jerk to get involved by keeping me from Him. It was so sad for me to realize how often I had done that in the past - holding on to my shame and guilt and keeping my heart sealed away from relationship with Him. It was so easy to approach Him now, knowing that He loves me. Maybe that's not revolutionary for anyone else, but for me I saw something and experienced something in a whole new light.

I was reminded of Romans 8:38-39, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Translation: Even I can't keep me from His love.) Even though this is elementary to me in recitation, the application is still in the primer stages of learning. Sometimes I just really don't get it, but mostly I'm just thankful for it. Bono said once that he's counting on the grace of Jesus to get him into heaven. Me, too.

Tea and Sympathy

2010-07-17T14:31:00.005-05:00

"So fare thee well. Words, the bag of leaves that fill my head. I could taste the bitterness. Call the waitress instead, cuz she holds the answer. Smiles and asks, 'One teaspoon or two?'. But that's not the way it has to be. Don't trade our love for tea and sympathy." ~ Jars of Clay

"Gi-normous, no fat chai latte...not too hot...so I can chug it." That's my standing order whenever I merge into line at a coffee shop. I love coffee shops - the smells, the sounds, the atmosphere, the people. I find it comical that in most coffee shops there is an air of superiority as if coffee aficianados (who have just spent a ridiculous amount of money for their lattes) have something more clever in their thought processes than those sitting on the bench outside drinking their home-brewed basic black reading the newspaper. Despite that, I often find myself feeling more serene in a coffee shop. Book stores do this to me, too. As do clearance racks in my favorite department stores. And resting on the dock of a quiet lake. And snuggling on the couch under Great-Grandma's quilt with a book that has prococious characters and a story line that has little to do with realistic outcomes in life. There's something magical about peace and serenity. Sometimes I find myself wishing that peace and serenity would reign over the chaos that is mostly my life, but then I'm reminded of how important it is to find balance with all of those things. If it weren't for the chaos, those moments of peace and serenity would not be as remarkable.

And so it is with relationships, too. There are those people that when you are around them, you feel an instant calm and relaxation; they bring light, life, and inspiration. They are like the ones mentioned in Proverbs 17:17, "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." They bring with them easy conversation and a safe place for dreams and stupidity. Other relationships stir emotions from somewhere so deep inside, you would swear tornadic activity orginated in the human body. Elizabeth Gilbert relayed something shared with her in Eat, Pray, Love, "A true soulmate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake...soulmates come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you and then they leave." After every storm-laced soulmate relationship, there is eventually supposed to be a calm, but I've found that sometimes the storm just churns until it doesn't anymore, and that can last for years. Then there are the ones that cause every alarm inside your head to explode in a fury of lights and sound, and you find yourself so overstimulated and irritated simply by their presence that they don't even have to speak - you already want to run away. The Purpose Driven Life calls these people EGR's (Extra Grace Required). I do what I can to avoid them. Finally, there are those who embody the majority - the ones to whom life is completely indifferent towards. The many faces we recognize, but have no interest in their lives. We forget to ask how their day is...and if we did casually ask, we casually tune out the answer. I often think of the opening moments to Saving Private Ryan, where dozens of men step out of the boats and are killed instantly by the enemy. It fascinates me that each man, in his own right, has a story to tell, but the audience is only interested in the main storyline. If we took a moment, we would realize that each nameless character had his very own story that brought him to the moment of death on a beach at Normandy.

Sometimes I wonder how my relationship with Him could be defined. I just had a thought of myself being that EGR, skipping and prancing my way to Him whining and demanding my own way. Although He has every ability to squash me like a bug in an irritated tantrum, He never does. What kind of love and patience is that? Or what about those times when I'm so on fire for Him and His Word is seeping out of my pores, and my mouth can not hold everything that stirs inside? Not only do I know I love Him, but I feel it too. Those times are intense and so rewarding. How is it that they are also fleeting? When those moments crash, does He feel the same way I feel when my heart has been broken and shattered by someone my heart loves? How consuming His love must be, to remain jealous for me and not angry or bitter. There have been times in recent trials, that I've thought my life must be like one of the nameless soldiers. I feel distant and alone. Nameless. Worthless. What is it, though, that compels me to seek Him over and over again? What is it that draws me to Him and causes me to never doubt His existence - even if I were never to be more than someone insignificant? It must be that stubborn love He has for me...even when I don't feel it.

At my best, in my most serene and quiet places, I find that lasting relationship with Him to be all that I think we both want it to be. When my heart is still, when I rest in His embrace knowing that He is God, that's when I know it's real. I'm not a huge fan of traditional church music, but these snippets of time remind me of the hymn that says, "and He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own..." It's a relaxing place. It's home. When I settle into my cozy places of serenity here in this life, I know that I'm just getting a glimpse of what He has in store for eternity. I know that I have my moments of relational insanity with Him, where I freak out and pout and whine and demand and cry and stomp and etc. But in every healthy relationship, we take the good with the bad, and I love that I finally found a love that I can trust. He will never break a promise and He will never walk away. When those moments of struggle come along, they make the times of refreshing so much sweeter. I wouldn't trade that for all the chai in the world.

Human

2010-07-10T00:36:00.000-05:00

"After all, we're only human. Always fighting what we're feeling, hurt instead of healing..." ~ Jon McLaughlin

I've spent a great many years pooling my self-worth and value in the opinions and perceptions others have of me, running a maddening race at maddening speeds trying to out-perform, out-shine, out-wit, out-beautify, and out-accomplish any perceived competition. It was a great motivator, or manipulator, really. That constant drive to be better, and even more so, to be noticed, pushed me to accomplish some good things. But, my motivation was all wrong. My inspiration was all wrong. My goals were all wrong.

It took a breaking of my heart for it to begin to change and grow. It was ugly.  To this day, not a day passes where I am not reminded of the moment darkness leaped over the console of my little black car and gripped my spinal cord and the nerves around it, and I was faced with making a decision to succomb to its nothingness or somehow fight it into a somethingness that resembled life - a life that I was unfamiliar with, and a life that was not what I had planned...a life that trusted that He would be enough.

It seems almost impossible to believe that I am just barely over a year in that life, especially when I can still visualize and feel that crucial moment with such intensity to this day.  I suppose that was how it was intended to be - unforgettable. The Israelites, although not proficient, often built altars at times when they did not want to forget what God had done for them. At the time of my *ouch* moment, I didn't have the ability to think or believe that God had His hand in it at all. I still very much embraced the idea that the opinion other's had of me by far exceeded anything else. And at that moment, I felt very much abandoned, rejected, unaccepted, and unloved, and because I felt that way, I also believed I was. I couldn't see the forest for the trees.

In this last year, although I have jumped and leaped enormous distances in my relationship with Him, I still struggle with accepting myself for who He says I am because I want that affirmation from others as well. I have lived with the hope that my heart would be seen as something of value and worth to someone else. I have stood silently, waving and calling, for someone to notice me - the me I believe I can be - the me I strive to be. Tonight, I know that the hope that I have harbored for so long is a mute point. I have chased after the wind, a hope and a dream that will never be caught...and He wanted it that way. I just didn't want to accept that. That part can be painful sometimes. So can the death of a dream. C.S. Lewis said, "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." Maybe I'm just too stubborn to take things easily, or maybe I'm just worth His time and refining. Either way, His best for me has turned out to be painful, but only because I chose to take off down the path all on my own. He's got a plan. It's something big. It's not a waste. It's also not a lie. It's a promise - one that He will keep, and one that will not disappoint. So as the doors that I have been knocking on remain closed and now become sealed, I will hope and trust in Him that new doors will open and lead to "acres of hope."

Hunger and Thirst

2010-06-29T08:30:00.000-05:00

"I hunger and thirst for mercy. I hunger and thirst for Your name. If I hunger and thirst for anything but You, I hunger and thirst in vain." ~ Susan Ashton

Growing up, Saturday mornings were always cleaning days for my family. My brother, sister, and I each got to choose a room or two to clean through the draw-out-of-the-hat lottery, in addition to cleaning our bedrooms. I remember sharing a room with my sister until I was a teenager.  Somewhere underneath the piles of life scattered across the carpet, there was a masking tape line that defined our individual space. When we finished cleaning our room, we would have to get an approval on its completion. If it was given the okay, we moved on to other things. If not, we had to return to work until it was done, which was almost always the case and it wasn't unheard of for us (me, specifically) to be in the room for hours getting it done. It seems that when I was younger, I had a skewed perception of what a "clean" bedroom looked like. Certain piles and areas were perfectly fine with me, but my mom and dad had a different scale they were judging from. I remember being frustrated and feeling like if my room wasn't good enough, then I wasn't good enough. I also grew a hardcore hatred for cleaning my room, but to be fair, I also hated doing dishes and only one of those has transcended time and joined me into adulthood. Paper plates, anyone?

When I would seek the approval of my parents for my efforts in cleaning my room, I always approached with a hesitancy, unsure if I would "pass." In my mind, my room was done, and I wanted it to be good enough for their standards. I would often set to work in my room with my eyebrows lowered and a determined look on my face, full of "I'm-going-to-show-you" gumption...until a certain something demanded my attention and became far more important than cleaning my room. That certain something could have been a book, a stuffed animal, something that had a memory attached to it, etc. Despite being distracted, I tended to believe that I had achieved great accomplishments in cleaning, often to be sent back for another mission.

I was thinking of this yesterday, as I was approaching Him with hesitancy, looking for an answer. It seems that over the last year, I have been on a journey of discovery and growth, both humbling and encouraging. Essentially, I've been cleaning up the rooms of my life. I think of where I was, and where I have come, and I want to run to Him and ask Him, "How am I doing? (How's my room look? Am I good enough?)" And, just like my parents, I believe He sees a bigger picture. He sees the way my life should be, and the way He desires it to be. Yes, I have come a long way, but there is still a long way to go. I find that He keeps sending me back to my room to clean up something more, and I'm also finding that stubborn child in me that in a frustrated stubbornness, stomps back to her room determined to "do better," and getting easily distracted by something that catches my attention or stirs my emotions.  I find comfort in those things, and they help mask the uncomfortability of changing and growing.

But, somewhere along the way, as it was yesterday, I miss Him. I want to be around Him and find my comfort in Him instead of in those other things (usually memories, thoughts, hopes, desires, etc.) Sometimes I forget that unlike when I was a child, I'm not being sent back to my room to clean things up alone. He's right there with me. Digging through the muck and the established religious ideas that permeate my thinking and believing. And, He's not there silently, either. When I'm focused on the other things, I tune Him out. If I take the time to turn the music down, I hear Him. So, I find myself in a place of hunger and thirst again. I desire answers/approval/etc., but not nearly as much as I desire my place with Him. Oh, I know that I will waver from this, because for whatever reason, I do that. But, I know He's there, seeing the whole picture, walking beside me every step of the way.

Angels Unaware

2010-06-14T08:37:00.000-05:00

"Let me take you by the hand, lead you to the promised land. Trust Him with your heart. He'll lead you home." ~ Michael W. Smith

I have several thoughts running through my mind in regards to the sermon yesterday. As is the case at different times in every life, I've obviously hit a brick wall. Right now I am working odd jobs for several people to make ends meet all while continually praying that He would provide not just a job, but a career - even if it's not in education. Yesterday, Pastor Mike asked us if we really believed that God could do what we asked...is there really any mountain too small for Him? As soon as he said that, my brain raced ahead. I have no doubt of what God can do. My faith is grounded in His goodness and majesty, and I have seen first hand how He provides. My faith wavers when I doubt whether or not He will do. Yes, He can provide a job for me, but will He? I know that it would be difficult to answer that question, short of being God Himself. Is He really just shutting every door so that I will go in a different direction? The sermon yesterday focused on Abraham and Sarah and how they "harbored hope" for a baby. God told them to leave, and they did. Is God asking me to leave? Where am I supposed to go? Abraham and Sarah also waited a very long time for the fruition of their dreams. How long would He have me wait? What do I do in the meantime?

Anyway, as I was driving home last night, trying to soak up the promises that He has made, yet feeling a bit dejected, I popped a mixed cd in. At the very end of Michael W. Smith's old song, I heard the Word of God again. Through the tears that were blurrying my eyes, I realized that I'm probably doing what I do best - I'm making this way more complicated than it needs to be. He will provide. He always has. I trust Him to provide. I also am learning that He's going to stretch me and pull me out of my comfort zone. Apparently, all of this "character building" will be useful someday. He is shaping and molding me to be the person He designed. Despite my fears, He is in control. Although, my honest response right now is frustration, some anger, a lot of anticipation, occasional reminders of peace and patience, wild and crazy eyes searching for a sign, tears, racing heart followed by subsequent exhaustion, etc.

In Genesis 15:6, it says that Abraham "believed the Lord, and the Lord counted him as righteous because of his faith." I John 5:15 says, "Since we know he hears us when we make our requests, we also know that he will give us what we ask for." I know that He will do what is in His plan. I also know that the God of Abraham is the same God that lives inside of me. My faith is being tested. But if I hold firmly, with a faith that is only as small as a mustard seed, then mountains are going to move. And, yes. He can and will move mountains.

Get Back Up

2010-06-10T11:02:00.004-05:00

"There's always scars when you fall that far. We lose our way...get back up again. It's never too late to get back up again. One day, you will shine again. You may be knocked down, but not out forever." ~ tobymac

Remember Lloyd and Harry? "We got no food, we got no jobs....our pets' heads are falling off!" Yep. That's me. At 8:30 this morning, I had an important meeting with my boss to negotiate the contract of employment that I had been offered for the upcoming school year. See, I'm technically an unemployed teacher - one of the many recipients of the "Great Economy" award. After substitute teaching for several districts last fall, I accepted a special education associate position purely for the stability factor. I thrive on work. I love to work. I love people. Sitting at home every work morning wishing and hoping that my phone would ring so that I could work, and then plunging head first into boxes of doughnuts or bowls of cookie dough if no one called, was not my idea of a life worth living. I jumped at the opportunity to have a reason to get up every day even though I was only making half of a beginning teacher's salary. (Insert "gasp" here.)

To make a long, seasoned story as short as possible, I'm broke. I was on an hourly pay, and school is out and I have no income for the summer. My unemployment is all used up, and I don't qualify for an extension. I learned about all of this yesterday morning. I subsequently spent the next few hours genuinely sobbing and mentally screaming. To be very honest, I'm REALLY tired of having doors shut. It's becoming clear to me that there are several possibilities going on here 1) God has something better and different planned, 2) God hates me, or 3) maybe God has nothing to do with it all. Hmmm. My emotionally-charged brain just goes on and on and on. If I could count the instances in which I felt entirely rejected in the last oh, two years, I would be able to count very, very high. But, seriously. Is this really how I want to live my life? Counting the times I feel rejected? Ugh. Give me a break!

My tears yesterday were completely selfish. I am dealing with large doses of insecurity. I've been torn between completely trusting Him and wondering how to trust Him. I even went so far in my rationalizing mind, "You know, God, according to you, trust is something that is earned....(cough, cough, hint, hint)." Bless His heart. I'm sure He'd like to swat me every now and again. As I was in the midst of my pity-party, I made a plea to several friends and family for prayers. By the end of the day, I can't say I had a clearer direction, but I didn't have the compulsion to cry or freak out anymore. I had the feeling that no, God does not hate me, and yes, He is very much involved here.

As I walked into my meeting this morning, terrified that I would come across as a jaded, angry, irrational, emotional woman, (all the things I aspire NOT to be) I actually heard scripture being spoken over me. "And the peace of God that transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind." Hmmm. The words were clear as day. It was familiar to me, but I had to look it up when I got home to see where it was (Philippians 4:7). So, as the plan of action that is being placed before me comes to fruition, I have a lot of rejoicing to do. He has given me peace - and a plan.

Four Seven

2010-06-08T15:20:00.002-05:00

"We have this treasure in earthen vessels. To show that this power is from God and not from us." ~ Jars of Clay

Sometimes I get a superiority complex when it comes to God. Sometimes I forget that He's not technically on my team, but that He's actually the coach. And, sometimes I get the crazy idea that I know what's best. And I think that maybe I'm the coach and He just forgot His place or something similarly deranged. I've noticed lately that I've been approaching my conversations with Him a little too casually. And then, I also noticed, I'm human. (Took me awhile to figure that one out.)

It's difficult to begin to describe what it's like to be a recovering pharisee. We are not naturally a happy people. We like to complain and notice spots on people's shirts. We also gravitate towards deep theological conversations to impress others with our vast knowledge. We're quite pathetic, actually. But, like I said, I'm recovering. Most of the delightful friends I've met in the last couple years wouldn't really know my early-programmed nature. I believe with my whole heart that after a long-learned surrender process, that His blood and love have washed those tendencies away - especially in reference to others. Sometimes, though, I seem to forget it with Him. I sit and rationalize, organize, theologize, manipulatize, etc. in His presence thinking (albeit subconsciously) that I can pull a fast one on Him. I love how patient He is with me.

I stumbled across a sermon by John Wesley given circa 1872, based on the scripture reference from 2 Corinthians 4:7 that Jars of Clay used as the inspiration for the name of their band as well as one of their songs. He did a great job of using big words. He also broke the scripture down so I could understand what it really meant. Basically, we as humans are like clay pots - easily broken. We fall apart. We make messes. However, it is because of our frailty, that the power of God can come through. Because we are weak, because we are easily broken and messy, it is evident that anything good that comes through us is truly from Him. It's His power. It's His greatness. It's His awesomeness. (Think about it...I'm sure John Wesley needed some help using and understanding all those big words.) All of this happens so that we can point back to the Creator and give Him the glory.

I like this because as a recovering pharisee, I like to know that it's okay to make mistakes, to break, to fall apart. (Note: Yes, we strive to live righteously. Please do not mistake my freedom in Christ for freedom from responsibility.) For so long I thought I could not make mistakes and my salvation and His love for me were contingent upon the success of my perfection. I was such a tightly wound mess of stress trying to live perfectly for the satisfaction of others, thus putting all the attention on myself. I was trying to earn my salvation and His grace. He assures me several times in scripture, including 2 Corinthians 4:7, that it is through my weakness that He will be made strong and that it is for His glory that He has saved me.

A (With Love)

2010-06-02T08:21:00.002-05:00

"Family...last time I checked, the crooked people who give you love when you least expect for this heart that we cannot protect." ~ Stephen Kellogg and The Sixers

For Sarah Beth

I've lived in my little Stars Hollow community for just over eight months now. I love everything about it: the people, the community, the hills, the traditions and heritage, etc. I've even grown to love the routes I take to get from point A to point B to avoid hitting certain potholes in the streets. There has not been one day that I have regretted this move, and more days than not I sigh contentedly, thankful for the home and neighborhood I currently live in.

Do you remember that old movie, Rear Window, that starred Jimmy Stewart? He would sit in his wheelchair, watching out the window of his house spying on his neighbors. I'm not like him (meaning, I'm not taking pictures of my neighbors, nor do I assume one of them has committed a murder...yet), but I have certainly taken an interest in my neighbors with the hopes of getting to know them on something more than a "wow-they-have-a-very-nicely-landscaped-garden-and-I-love-the-way-they-stay-quiet-during-late-hours-of-the-night" level. It doesn't take long chatting with someone new before you see the exterior fade and the truth within their hearts shine through. There's a lot of hurting in my perfect little town. Within my tiny neighborhood, two families have suffered the loss of a child (which I cannot even fathom how anyone survives that), divorce has affected a couple more, teenage rebellion has broken several hearts, one has lost a spouse, another is in a new country learning English and attempting to acclimate to the new culture, and several have been affected by unemployment. You wouldn't have to look very far to know that my little neighborhood is a pretty accurate depiction of the world we live in. Despite the news of change and hope, there are still broken hearts.

I've heard it said that it takes a village to raise a child. I think it takes a village to raise a person - regardless of their age. We need community. We need fellowship. We need others to shoulder our burdens. At the very least, sometimes all we need is someone to share a hug. A friend posted on facebook last night, "A friend is one who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love, and encourages you with hope." If I believe that we are all His creation and that He desires to have a relationship with each of us, then my intent is to love generously and without restraint because His love for me compels me to do so. Even when it is not returned, love is never a mistake.

In Your Eyes

2010-05-26T08:03:00.001-05:00

"Love, I don't like to see so much pain. So much wasted, and this moment keeps slipping away. I get so tired of working so hard for our survival. I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive. And all my instincts, they return..." ~ Peter Gabriel

So much of my ranting on this blog has had a lot to do with heartbreak and disappointment. I realize that I have a melancholy personality, and I tend to gravitate towards self-induced drama. Despite that, I also know that my tendencies do not negate heartache. I have shared so often about the struggle I have with the hopes and dreams that I have concocted inside my heart and mind and how over the last few years, the fruition of those dreams has been the equivalent of running a shoe through a garbage disposal. Things have just not worked out, and the process has been emotionally loud and frustrating. I've been left wondering what He could possibly have planned for me. I often find myself coaxing my heart into believing that if what I had planned wasn't what He wanted, then what He has planned must be so much better. I'm not gonna lie. I've really tried to embrace that idea, but somehow I find my mind's tongue sticking out at that thought. (I have confessed my pride issues before, right?)

Several years ago, I was in a women's Bible study. One of the women frequently shared her battles with depression and what she believed was the catalyst. Her adopted daughter, in her opinion, was brought into their family solely to disrupt and destroy any semblance of peace that ever existed and she, as the mother, bore the weight of the family conflict. At one point, she mentioned that she was fearful of what God would do because He told us in scripture that He would give us the desires of our hearts. (Psalm 37) That conversation has never left me. I think it unnerved me a bit. In recent past, I know that there has been a part of me that has thought, "Okay, God! Give me the desires of my heart. Just give 'em to me. I'm good. I have honorable requests. I'm not asking for too much. Just give 'em to me. I desire security and love. Who doesn't want that? Who doesn't deserve that? Exactly. Come on...You know You wanna." Yep. I went there.

Do you know what He was really saying in Psalm 37? He will give me the desires of my heart. No, not like I was reading it before through my me-me-me glasses. Let me try re-phrasing it: He will place inside my heart the desire for things that He will give. Initially, that can sound a little disappointing. There go the desires of my heart. But, I actually am finding so much joy in that promise right now. Remember how I mentioned having my dreams become reality felt like shoving a shoe down the garbage disposal? See, I don't like that feeling and I'm really done living like that. I don't want my life to be a head-strong battle with Him. I'm kinda tired of throwing those emotional tantrums all the time. (My guess is that He's a little exasperated with them, too.) I have the hope now of knowing that He will give me the desires of my heart, and they will be His desires. There's no fault in that. There's no guilt. There's no pride. I can't say, "Oooo! I did it! I talked God into giving me what I want." There's only the satisfaction of knowing that when He places those desires in my heart and then provides, I will have nothing to do but rejoice and offer praise.

Mighty To Save

2010-05-17T22:00:00.002-05:00

"Everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of a Savior...the Hope of Nations." ~ Hillsong

So what about that whole thing called "forgiveness?" What if someone you trusted lied to you? Would you forgive them? What would that forgiveness look like? What if your child tells you that they hate you? Would you ever withhold forgiveness from them? What is the purpose of forgiveness? Jesus tells us that we are supposed to forgive those who have hurt us, not just once, not seven times, but seventy times seven. (That means we each have 490 offenses we can pull off on someone else before they technically can't forgive us anymore.) Jesus's point was that no one is really going to count how many times they have to forgive, but that we should continue to do it - always.

I've learned a few things about forgiveness over the last couple of years. First of all, I have been forgiven. Back up - I have done some really horrible things in thought and deed. I have made a rotten mess of myself on many levels, and because of a love so rare and a life so divine, I have been forgiven. Jesus was hammered to wooden beams fashioned as a cross where His blood was shed to take the punishment for my sins - all of them, not just the ones that I think are "not so bad" that they would keep me from eternal condemnation, but ALL of them - the big ones, too. Knowing the blackness of my heart, being forgiven is an entire release - it's freedom, hope, faith, love! That saying "washed whiter than snow" becomes reality when it's the darkness inside that goes away, never to return. I have to confess that when I finally accepted forgiveness, I really wanted it for others - including those that had hurt me.

I'm faced with some decisions again about forgiveness because when I choose to forgive, that means I'm letting that person off my "hook." That means that they no longer owe me anything for what they have done against me. That means I no longer hold on to any feelings of anger, bitterness, hurt, jealousy, etc. I have let them go and not just let them off my hook, but instead, placed them on God's hook. See, the thing is, we are instructed to forgive others, which we do for our health and benefit. That does not release them from His hook. Their sins are still between God and them. They still have to confess what they've done and seek their own forgiveness from Him. If the Spirit leads, they may also return and seek forgiveness from you (although our forgiveness of them releases them from that as well, no matter how good their confession would make us feel). Forgiveness leads to healthy relationships, healthy souls, healthy bodies. The key is to remember that you have been forgiven first, and the blessing of that forgiveness can spill out from you unto others. (I don't recommend running around telling everyone that you've forgiven them for what they've done or what you've forgiven them for. If they come to you seeking forgiveness, know that you can wholeheartedly and compassionately let them know that it's already done and then hopefully begin to reconcile the relationship. NOTE: Forgiveness does not mean you have to trust that person again, though, either! Trust is something that is earned, not given.)

I have some forgiving to do, and I know it won't be easy. Sometimes it's easy to hold on to that hurt or anger because it gives a feeling of justification. The truth is that unforgiveness kills. It eats away at your heart until it becomes scarred, hard, cold, and tucked away behind thick, indestructible walls of psuedo-protection and safety. That's not the way anyone wants to live, nor is it the way they should! Jesus wants us to forgive for our sake, not theirs. Let them deal with Him, or better yet, let Him deal with their hearts.

Annie

2010-05-16T22:03:00.002-05:00

"Maybe the hardest things are the dreams that we've been given...help me to find my way back down." ~ Mat Kearney

I have to confess that most of my emotional pain is the direct result of broken dreams. Recently, I realized that the reason so much hurting and pain has continued in my heart is because I spend my time thinking about what I do not have - all of those dreams I placed hope in that have come crashing down. I realize that my life is not the way my dreams were supposed to play out. So, where is the balance? Are dreams something of the divine or just a tool of the enemy used to give us false hope?

The Bible shares a lot about dreams, especially in the Old Testament. Think of all the dreams Joseph, Jacob, and Daniel either had or interpreted. Obviously, God is fully aware of dreams and will use them for His purpose. I suppose there is a great deal of theological and secular research out there on the significance of dreams that I have not read, nor do I have the desire to read. Regardless of what the experts say, I'm still left daily dealing with the reality that my dreams hurt. The lofty and vibrant ideals that play out in my mind, work their way into my heart. Whether it's my own actions or the actions of others have caused the demise of the dreams, that fragile part of my heart is still affected. If a dream is broken or shattered, my heart is also broken and shattered. I have struggled immensely in the last year as a result of dwelling in the darkness of disappointment.

If I accept that my dreams will only ever be dreams, am I giving up hope? Am I losing trust in Him, that He will make a way? For now, I have decided to acknowledge what dreams have come true, embrace all the things that are blessings and are good, and give thanks and praise for them. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." What are your broken dreams? How have you reconciled with reality?

Here In My Heart

2010-05-12T23:19:00.002-05:00

"Wondering, waiting, restless for a sign. I thought You walked so slow. In my haste, I left You behind. Caught in the pace of this madness, searching for shelter I find that here in my heart there's a refuge waiting. Here in my heart You just won't let me go. I could run away, but You stay here in my heart." ~ Susan Ashton

Back when I was perfect...uh, hmm...I mean, back when I thought I was perfect....I used to read the Psalms and get a little agitated with David for being such a pansy, especially the parts where he was whiney and afraid. I was always a little uncomfortable with how casually he used the word "enemy." Even for somone who is quite arguably dramatic, I thought David was taking drama to an intense level. He was actually just a guy who was very in-tune with his emotions, with his heart, but because I had been programmed to believe that emotion was a sign of weakness, I was unable to understand the passion that David used when he wrote the Psalms. Fortunately, that's not an issue for me anymore.

Today, another door closed. It honestly felt like I was being rejected all over again. Although it wasn't anything that I had built all my future hopes and dreams upon, that quick stab of painful rejection slipped right into my heart and there was definitely some raw sadness. I've run the whole gamut of questions. Am I being punished? Did I do something wrong? What did I miss? Why do I keep missing the blessings? (Insert Job's friends here.) Etc. The questioning usually leads to absolutely destructive thought processes, too. Why does so-n-so seem to always get what they want? Does God really even love me? Why can't I just find joy? Is this because of sin in my life? Will I ever be good enough? Etc. It doesn't take very long traveling down that horrible, yucky, depressing path before I start to feel like I'm drowning in the thick ooze of it, and I desperately want to get out. It occurred to me tonight, that I'm not so unlike the crybaby David: "Whaaaaa!! Jesus, save me from my enemies!" In this case, the enemies were clearly those nasty arrows of rejection and depression shooting straight into my pulsing heart. Jerks.

I did the only thing I could do tonight. I spent alone time with Him. We had a little heart-to-heart. He's spoken to me before, so I know He can and will do it again. I also know that I trust Him to provide. He is Jehovah Jireh, the provider. I also know that despite my desperate desire to control every aspect of my life, He does know what is best for me and He will give according to His purpose. I am in such a vulnerable spot, which is exactly where He wants me and exactly where I feel like I'm going to go bananas...b-a-n-a-n-a-s. I don't have an answer, yet I trust Him to provide. (Okay...honestly, I am telling myself over and over that I will trust Him to provide because my natural tendency to is say that I trust Him, all the while worrying myself into a frenzy.) I am so ready to know what is around the bend in the road. I would love to have the security of an answer, and the comfort of knowing that He has it all taken care of. But, I don't know how and when He'll answer, and that makes me a wee bit dependent. Okay, it makes me totally dependent.

So what do you do when you officially let go and let God? Praise. Become a cheerleader for God and remember all He has done and all He is capable of doing and all He has yet to do. Give thanks for all the blessings received. Then, look the enemy, and the fear of it, in the face and tell it off. Remember all the promises given, and the fact that pure and honest love will not abandon. And, then freak out (because it's in my nature to do that occasionally). And, then get back up, praise again, and wait, wait, wait until that answer that is His arrives.

Pour Some Sugar on Me

2010-05-07T12:06:00.006-05:00

"Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love." ~ Def Leppard

Yeah, okay. I was a little liberal in my application of this song just like my sister was in her application of sprinkles to this Christmas cookie, but it makes sense. Just go with me. Last night I was reading in Proverbs 27. (Sidenote: When life just doesn't seem to make sense and you're wondering what role you play in all of it, read Proverbs.) As always, I was half expecting to get a "Wow, God! That was an awesome revelation," but as usual, something I read caused me to think and re-read and then think some more. "A person who is full will refuse honey, but even bitter food tastes sweet to the hungry." I could look at this a couple of ways. If I wanted to look at it literally, we can talk about the real and profound issue of hunger that plagues our world. How we as members of the Western world have the audacity to turn our noses to several foods and have the privilege of choosing what we want to eat when so many around this world (mostly children) would take our garbage to fill the void in their bodies.

Or, I can look at this metaphorically. We are an emotionally and spiritually depraved generation. We take what we think we deserve, yet are incapable of giving. There is an emotional hunger and it's real. I think of young children who are beaten and abused. They have no idea what real love is. What about the young women who honestly believe that the only worth they have is in the eyes of a man? What about the young men that would do anything (legal or not) to gain the approval of someone, anyone because the ones that were supposed to love them were a little too self-absorbed to notice? Bottom line, there is a great hunger in this world, and those who are hungry are willing to eat even bitter food to satisfy their hunger. But, what if we offered them honey? What if we took that extra step and hugged the young children that are clearly unbathed and smell like urine? What if we took the time to ask the little boy how he got that red mark on his face? What if we sincerely told a young girl how beautiful her character really is? What if we praised our young men for making an effort - even if they aren't the best? What if we took the time to feed the hungry some honey rather than throwing them the bitter food?

Wedding Dress

2010-05-02T21:43:00.002-05:00

"I put you on just like a wedding dress, and I run down the aisle to you....because money cannot buy a husband's jealous eye, when you have knowingly deceived his wife." ~ Derek Webb

Sometimes there is comfort in writing a blog. I can spill my colored thoughts on a canvas where the likelihood of someone actually reading it varies between zero and zero.1 percent. In any case, I have no direct contact with the reader, so my sense of bravery is skewed. It's what compels me to share my current struggle, and yet the transparency of my heart, even to a stranger, makes me somewhat vulnerable and a bit uneasy. So here it is: I am crazy jealous. And I know it is a huge sin. And I know that the foundation of my jealousy is something so deeply rooted in darkness that the only way I could even conceive of conquering it would require the supernatural. Jealousy. It makes my heart really hurt.

It wouldn't be fair to promote the notion that I swim in seas of jealousy daily or in every facet of my life. I don't recall ever being jealous before (other than with this same particular subject in the past). Here's how I define my jealousy: someone has something that I want, and instead of being happy and joyful that they are enjoying what they have, my insides buckle and cramp and my heart hurts because I think that it should be me standing in their shoes instead. For me, this thing that I am so crazy jealous about, isn't something that I dwell on every day. I daily decide to be content without the thing that I want, and truthfully, for the most part, I am. I live my life day-by-day, enjoying the beauty of what I have been given. I realize how blessed I am and I strive to be a blessing to others. For the most part, daily life is inspirational and motivational. Every once in awhile, though, something random and unexpected will happen. I will be reminded of what it is I don't have, almost as if it is served to me on a silver platter and then quickly snatched away, out of reach. Although time passes and the intensity of my reaction to each tempting moment is lessened, that painful jealousy still takes its stab at my heart and a fresh wound begins.

At times like these, I am confident in knowing that Jesus is there - in the midst of it all. He knows my hurt. He knows my sadness. He understands jealousy. Actually, being reminded that He is jealous for me, helps me to re-focus my attention to where it should be. He is jealous for my attention and my time. He wants to know all the details about my hurting heart, and He wants me to be the one to share them. I don't suspect He would be like my incredible girlfriends that love and encourage me by offering to beat someone up for me (purely for moral support) and reminding me that I, too, can be beautiful. Instead, I am finding that He brings peace. He doesn't take away the pain, though, and sometimes that's a jagged pill to swallow. It would be great to know that one day I would wake up and be completely healed of my jealousy and subsequent sadness, but I don't think that's what He intends for me. See, it brings me to my knees. It shows me and others how vulnerable and weak I really am. It reminds me that I can't do it on my own. It is a place where I know that He can be made strong in my life. I do ask Him to remove it from my heart, and I plead with Him to take it all away. When He thinks I'm ready, I'm sure He'll do that. In the meantime, He's giving me the opportunities to grow, get acquainted with the person He desires me to be, and learn a great deal about the ugly, sinful nature of my heart and the desperate need I have for a Savior.

Fix You

2010-04-26T22:59:00.002-05:00

"Tears stream down your face, when you lose something you cannot replace. Tears stream down your face; I promise you, I will look for your mistakes. Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you." ~ Coldplay

It has been a few weeks since Easter. First, I don't know how to casually say how proud I am to be a member of a church where they closed the Easter service with Coldplay. Well played, LCoH, well played. The last five minutes of the service have stuck with me, and I've stirred them around inside my heart and tried to let the impact of them settle deep inside my bones.

As the opening chords to Fix You began, the "skit" started with a long line of regular, ordinary people - sinners, just like you and me. They each held a sign, a label. Some were heartbreaking to read. "Unloved" "My Way" "Abused" "Abandoned" "Scared" "Insecure" "Living by my rules" Etc. As the line progressed and I read each sign, I felt jabs at my heart. I could identify with almost every single one of those signs - maybe not all at once, but at different times in my life. When the music began to build, each participant turned their sign over to reveal the change that He has made in their lives. "Loved." "God's Way" "Child of God" "His Heir" Etc.

This skit was so powerful to me on a couple levels. First, God is alive and well. He resurrected from the grave, conquering death (including loss), and setting us free from the world of sin that we live in. Second, there were several fellow believers that were willing to stand in front of thousands and unashamedly proclaim their weakness - and how His strength was made perfect through it. I think that's the part that totally choked me up.

Months ago, I was just emerging into a life that had two sides to the sign. Prior to my "come to Jesus" moments, I just had the one side - the side that clothed me, identified me with my past. I knew about the other side. I just didn't believe, truly believe, that I was ever going to earn it. I knew I wasn't perfect, and I knew I didn't deserve anything. I knew that I should feel horribly about my life, and that God wasn't going to bother wasting His time on me anymore. I actually feel my heart hurt when I write that now. His love has conquered death, and along with that was my dead heart. He conquered it! He took the bad, and then even went farther by loving me despite knowing my instinctive "prone to wander." I know this message is so simple. I know that everyone who believes has heard it over and over and over. Yet, I heard this story about Martin Luther. His congregants kept asking him when he was going to stop preaching the salvation message and get the real "meat." His response was something to the effect of, until his congregation would start living like they really believed the salvation message, he would preach nothing else. Do I live like I believe it?

So often I catch myself thinking that I've got it all figured out. In some ways, I've been extremely privileged to grow up with an evangelical background. I know a lot about Bible history and application. I know plenty about church history. I could debate any social issue quoting scripture with the best of them. But, all of this is meaningless. Solomon got it. He knew there was more. Paul got it. Martin Luther got it. I know that God is love, and if I have all the knowledge in the world and if I can even speak in tongues, but I do not have Love, then I am nothing but a loud sound, unpleasant and unheard. There is a lot of hurt and pain in this world, but without it, we would have no idea how great it is to rise from the ashes - to rise from the death of the old and to have the joy of taking on the new. That's what Jesus did on the cross. That's what He's doing through the work of the Holy Spirit today. That's what He's coming back to do. He will make all things new.

Our God (Again)

2010-04-25T22:25:00.001-05:00

"Our God is greater, our God is stronger. God, You are higher than any other. Our God is healer, awesome in power, our God. Our God." ~ Chris Tomlin

The more I've played this song and meditated on the scripture that supports it, the more I am getting excited that God is moving and doing something huge. Okay...well, duh. Of course God is always moving and doing something huge, but this time I'm aware of it...aha! See the difference?

I've been struck with the notion that Satan just does not like this song at all. It's kind of like a call to arms. It's a warrior's song. It's a victory song. It makes the devil shake in his boots. He knows that God is greater and stronger, he just doesn't want us to know it. I suspect that when Tomlin was inspired to write this song, he may have been sticking his tongue out at the devil all while telling him off. Even if he wasn't, it gives a good visual to what I think the effect of these words are.

It reminds me of the story of Elijah and the 450 prophets in I Kings 18. It is my number one favorite story in the Bible. See, Elijah was just one man who had God on his side. He was competing against 450 prophets of the god, Baal. Basically, Elijah challenged these men to a duel. The first God to consume their altar in fire would be declared THE God. The whole time the Baal prophets are completely freaking out and destroying themselves to encourage their god to respond, Elijah is talking some smack and essentially sticking his tongue out at them and telling them off. He even goes so far as to douse his altar with water, giving the false teachers and prophets the illusion that it would be impossible for his altar to ignite. When Elijah humbly called upon God, He answered. Poof! There was a fire and it was huge! I love this story because it gives me hope that 1) nothing is impossible (Luke 1:37) 2) God will fight for me (Duet 1:29 - 30) 3) the God that loves me and whom I love in return is THE God and He will not be mocked nor ignored.

None of this would really matter if I wasn't able to apply it, though. The story of Elijah is inspiring and I can casually leave it as that - a story. My challenge comes in living it, believing it for myself. I am scared to love. I am afraid to be loved. I fear change. I am terrified of failure. I hide from success because it intimidates me. I crave security. Etc. My goal for this week is to take one of these fears and beat it to the ground - stick my tongue out at it and tell it off. I was reminded tonight that "perfect loves casts out all fear." God is love, and with Him, there is nothing to fear. He is greater. He is stronger. He is THE God!

Our God

2010-04-20T15:05:00.002-05:00

"If our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?" ~ Chris Tomlin

Early in the season of one of the summers that I worked as a lifeguard at our local pool, I was testing the water with my toes to see how cold the water was. That year, there were only two female lifeguards on staff, and the guys always gave us a hard time playing pranks and grossing us out. As I was standing on the edge of the pool dipping my toes in, realizing all too quickly how cold the water actually was, I was ambushed. I'm not certain if it was one or four guys that got me, because all I can remember is being on the bottom of the three-foot when my brain started screaming something to the effect of, "Holy crap...it's freezing in here...and I'm going to murder the person that threw me in here!" After the necessary shock and amusement wore off, things generally resumed to normal until the next wave of "aaahhhh" moments ensued. Those were good days with a lot of laughs.

In the midst of my silence lately, I've thought a lot about that moment (and others similar to it). It seems like in life, I am standing on the edge of something great - something big, and I'm just dipping my toes in to test the temperature. I find myself making excuses for not just jumping in all on my own. "It's too cold." "The weather's not nice enough." "I'm tired." "I'm not qualified to try." "I'm just going to fail anyway." etc. Last night, Joel Houston from Hillsong United reminded me that "the Spirit that lives in me is greater than the spirit that lives in the world." (I John 4:4) Chris Tomlin's song, Our God, that was recorded for 2010 Passion, reinforces that. In Romans 8:31, it asks, "If God is for us, who can be against us?"

So, what am I so afraid of? I'm afraid to waste my life. I'm afraid to make a mistake. I'm afraid that I will think that I'm hearing Him tell me to do something, but instead, it's just me that's making something up and it's really not what He wants me to do at all. I'm afraid to embarrass myself or Him. I'm afraid I'll die and lose all ability to make a difference. Sigh. If God is FOR me, who can be against me? If the mission, the call, the goal is Christ, if I am bathed in love and act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly, then what is going to stand against me? My fear keeps Him locked in a bottle of limitations. My fear hinders my heart from trusting Him. My God is "greater, stronger, higher than any other." He is "healer and awesome in power." I think I'm ready to take that jump into the water - even if it is too cold. He's not going to let me drown.

On the Road to Beautiful

2010-04-12T12:57:00.002-05:00

"Father come to me, hold me up cuz I can barely stand. My strength is gone and my breath is short. I can't reach out my hands. But my heart is set on a pilgrimage to heaven's own bright King. So in faltering or victory, I will always sing: I love you." ~ Charlie Hall

It has been awhile since my fingers danced their ways over the keys communicating my head and my heart on this silly little blog. It's not that there has been a shortage of material to work with. The end of Lent and the celebration of Easter, as well as several other events, have had every part of me working in a whirlwind frantically trying to distinguish up from down, truth from fiction, hope from reality. Several facets of the last couple weeks have been very exciting. Others, have been challenging. Still others have been heart-breaking.

Instead of gravitating to my natural tendencies of worry and introspection, I have been trying to make a valiant effort to rely solely on Him. Even in those moments when my emotions take over and I, as I have always done in the past, rely on my heart to lead me, I have been trying to make a conscious effort to push those feelings aside and rely on Him. This is not easy for me. In some respects, I feel like a fresh blob of clay on the wheel, desperate for the Potter to shape and mold me. But I suspect that trying to shape me right now is similar to taking an already fired pot and willing it to change its form. It seems virtually impossible. Maybe if the pot was broken into tiny pieces, then the fragments that remain could be salvaged to make something different, something new. What would it take to break that pot? To break me?

I've spent several years developing a strong will, a stubborn heart, and a selfish nature. It would be so much easier to give into the tendency to follow my heart. Yes, I've been hurt by it, but it's a comfort that I am familiar with. Isn't this the very thing that keeps me from growing and maturing in life? I get comfortable. I bask in the shelter of things that are known - even if those things are painful. I'm so guilty of this. I've spent the last nine months of my life lingering in the pain of something that I just didn't have the heart to let go. I didn't want to let go of what I thought it could be. I didn't want to let go of what I knew it should be. It has been a costly mistake. My heart has paid an extraordinary price, and there is nothing to show for it. On the flip-side, the praying and fasting that occupied my time during Lent has not been wasted. I've really learned a lot about myself and about my relationship with Him. I am still absorbing all that He is teaching me, and sometimes I get frustrated that I haven't had any "aha" moments recently. But, daily things are becoming clearer. If it were not for the praying and fasting, I don't think that I would be as close to healing as I am now.

Despite so many things swirling around, I am comfortably at peace. I still have joy. I still stretch my arms out to Him and sing with all my heart. Some things about me are different, though. My heart is quieter. My impulse to follow the desires of my heart is overshadowed by the reality of my life and the damaging effects that my impulses have had. I stand humbled by the fact that despite all my efforts to destroy the good in me that He created, He still has the grace to lead me out of the dark. He still gives the love that exceeds anything I could possibly ever experience in this lifetime. He remains my hope, my comforter, and my shield. He's fighting the battles for me and I am finding a greater sense of peace, one day at a time.

Straight To The Heart

2010-04-03T08:10:00.003-05:00

In celebration of the life of my dear friend, Jennie, who had her life stolen at the young age of 20 the night before Easter. This is a re-post from September....

"Over the years, I've learned one important thing. It's that real friends shall never truly be apart. You were there in my darkest time of need with a hand reaching straight to the heart." ~ Michael W. Smith

Unnecessary shopping trips to Target, taco salads and Joan Jett jukebox hits at Taco Tico, cheerleading practice, church camp, a two-week suspension of open campus privileges, "scooping" the loop, and late night conversations about Jesus, boys, and a certain annoying physics teacher. Those are just a few of the fond memories I have of high school days with my best friend. God knew from the very beginning of creation that fellowship and relationships were essential. Adam and Eve. David and Jonathan. Jesus even kept a brood of twelve around to keep Him company. I can't escape it. God created me to have relationships, but lately I have found myself asking what those relationships are supposed to be all about. More specifically, what are my relationships with fellow believers supposed to look like? Self-serving? Self-less giving?

While on a missions trip two years ago, each person of our team was given a candle. We were to walk one mile from our home base to the ocean. Our responsibility was to keep our candle lit. This may not seem like such a big deal, but it was late, dark, and windy and we were exhausted (not to mention we were passing a dog or two that didn't seem particularly friendly). Before the team had even traveled the length of a football field, many flames had been extinguished. I realized quickly what lessons I was supposed to be learning. I had to depend on my friends. When my flame was out, I had to trust that my friends would help me re-ignite the flame. There were times I had to stop and wait for the flame to stop flickering and fluttering all about. Sometimes I had to walk slowly while others around me soared ahead. The most frustrating times for me came when I was walking confidently with a sturdy brilliant flame when out of nowhere a quick breeze would send the light dancing in every direction causing me to scramble to save it from dying. It was hard to shield the wind when I couldn't see what direction it was coming from. The light from the candle was a beautiful representation of the light of Christ that lives in us. Sometimes we have to lean on others, other times we have to stop and regroup. Sometimes we have to go slowly, and other times we can walk confidently knowing that our candle will shine brightly. The bottom line is that we can not walk this road alone. We need each other.

About twelve years ago, I was making some huge decisions in my life. My best friend was asking some tough questions that I did not want to have answers to, let alone give. She was faithful in keeping me accountable. I was faithful to myself and allowed my immaturity to reign. We essentially stopped communicating and parted ways. Less than one year later, while my family and I were getting ready for our church's Easter sunrise service, her dad came to our home with the news that she had been in a fatal car accident the night before. Grief and sorrow wrestled with regret and unbelief. So often I reflect on the time I had with her and the feelings of remorse overwhelm me. I grieve over the fact that I allowed my "self" to get in the way of a relationship that was surely a blessing and gift from above. If the love we feel for our family and friends is enough to grip at our hearts and touch the deepest of emotions within us, imagine how much more is our Father's love for us! I challenge myself daily to see others as Christ sees them, to love others as Christ loves them. We share, love, and forgive. Each and every one of us is His child, created for His glory. I never again want my "self" to hinder me from having relationships with others, nor do I want to be a stumbling block that prevents them from having the greatest relationship we have been offered - a relationship with Him.

"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." Proverbs 27:6

Lover

2010-04-02T10:24:00.000-05:00

"I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine. You bring all your history, I'll bring the bread and wine. And we'll have us a party, where all the drinks are on me. Surely as the rising sun, oh, you will be set free." ~ Derek Webb

The cool breeze blowing in the overcast sky this morning not only stole summer's teasing premature arrival yesterday, but it brought with it a strong feeling of somber reflection. All week I have tumbled around ideas for the blog. It's Holy Week. I have been fasting. I have a relationship with Jesus. He should be speaking something to me, right? Unfortunately, it hasn't flowed quite so easily lately. This morning I was hit with memories of Easters past and wishing that I could travel back in time or at least tell the me of the past what I know now. I was gut-punched with the weight of decisions that have tied me down in chains, away from Him, and sheltered from love. All of that on a darkening morning, opened my eyes to the realization that not so many years ago, the sky became black and the veil was torn and all the hopes and dreams of the disciples and followers of the Way were seemingly destroyed, shattered, and abandoned.

Looking back to just a few months ago, I was completely shaken to the core experiencing spiritual, emotional, and physical despair over the sin in my life - not just mine, but the effects of others' around me. It was such a painful road to take. I lived with the realization that, just like the disciples, my hopes and dreams were seemingly gone. Finished. Dead. Hopelessness and depression danced together intimately in what I refer to as the darkest time of my life. But somehow, through an extended grieving period, through the confusion of dying to self, through the teeth-clenching surrender of life, a seed was planted. Somewhere inside, unknown to me at the time, something that resembles life was beginning to grow.

This morning, so many thoughts and memories of the past crept into my mind and heart, and the beauty of Holy Week unfolded in my mind's eye. He has been so kind and patient with me through these years of selfish living and blind trail-walking. At a time when I felt the most unloved and unlovable, His life and love enveloped me. When I believed that all my hopes and dreams were shattered, He brought the hope of new dreams. This weekend is full of re-living the events that brought me to faith and experiencing the life that brought me love. This Love lives in me, and a part of me is coming alive, too. It's time to rejoice! Love is resurrected.

Sunny Days

2010-03-25T23:06:00.001-05:00

"If you're waiting for love, it's a promise I'll keep; and if you don't mind believing that it changes everything, time will never matter." ~ Jars of Clay

Four years ago I went to Disney World. To be entirely cliche, it is absolutely the most magical place I have ever been. I loved everything about it. If given a chance, I'm sure I'd like everything about other places, too, but I definitely have an affection for magical places, especially Disney World. While I was at Hollywood Studios, I hopped on Aerosmith's Rock n' Roller Coaster. I knew exactly three things about this ride before I got on it. First, it had something to do with Aerosmith which made it a good choice in my book. Second, it was a roller coaster, which is also quite good in my opinion. Third, there was a really long line of people waiting to ride which meant that it was a very good choice. When it was finally my turn, I saddled up and was ready for take off. Did you know that this roller coaster goes 0 to 60 in less than 3 seconds? Yeah. I didn't either. Oh, and did you also know that after you've lost your breakfast in panic, all the lights go out and all you see is neon blurs until the winding, twisting, corkscrewing ride ends? Yeah. I didn't either. The whole time I was riding the roller coaster, my eyes were bugging out of their sockets trying to latch on to something that would give me a sense of which way was down (safe). I can't remember if I even had the ability to scream because my mind was hysterical. Maybe if the lights had been on, or maybe if my brain hadn't been lodged in the back of my skull, I would have enjoyed it more during the ride. As it was, I did what everyone else did: panicked my way through the ride and then felt the adrenaline rush afterwards and stood in line to ride it again.

In the last few days, I feel like my life has taken off at ridiculously fast speeds in short amounts of time. I really feel a lot like I did on that roller coaster. I can't really see where I'm going and I'm desperately looking around for someplace to land my feet. I can tell I'm headed somewhere, and I'm getting there rather quickly. But, I don't really know where that somewhere is, and the questions that I keep asking are not getting answers that I seem to actually hear. I'm not quite certain if He is answering me right now and my mind is just too busy to hear or if He's not answering yet and that's why things feel a little dark. Either way, in the last few weeks/months I have spent time reflecting on the last few years of my life. I had no idea that where I am today is where I would be. Just about everything about my life is different than I had hoped for or planned. It has taken me a very long time to reconcile this life with the one that was cemented in my head and my heart. Only recently have I been able to look at the past and leave it there rather than crazily hope that it would resurrect itself and become the present. I know He knows what's best for me. I know He holds the keys to the future. I know that He is using and will use me. I just had to let go of the thought that I also knew what was best for me and my future. I am thankful for His neverending love that has embraced me through these present days. Despite the uncertainty, I still have that joy that placed itself in my heart not so long ago. Knowing that the joy is within me, gives me the confidence to believe that it will not go away - no matter what. His love has changed and is changing me! Now, if I could just get a louder signal on where this roller coaster is headed....

Breathe

2010-03-23T21:58:00.001-05:00

"Covered by the evening sky, I turn my gaze to where Your kingdom lies. Deep inside me, a silent whisper in my mind, sweet surrender to Your love divine. Peace enfolding in the stillness; I empty my soul, and Your healing presence flows as I breathe the air of heaven, drawing in Your fragrance. When I breathe, I feel Your fullness come alive inside of me. You're the breath that I breathe. It's taking hold. It's second nature when I savor You as I breathe." ~ Sixpence None the Richer

"Butt." I've tried saying that word over and over with the hopes that I would start laughing. I've seen it work numerous times. Someone says the word "butt" and people just burst into hysterics. Of course, everyone laughing is between the ages of 7 and 10 and for the most part, they are all boys, but why shouldn't it work for me, too?? Today was a long day, and I needed a good laugh at the end. I tried the "butt" game, but for some reason, it didn't have the same effect on me. So, I resorted to my usual de-stresser: I popped in some old music.  My stress and tension melted away as Leigh Nash sang the lyrics to Breathe.

Today was a draining day. It was one of those days where you glide from one thing to the next from the moment your feet touch the cold floor in the morning to the minute you curl your toes under the blankets at night. I scheduled way too many things in way too little time, and everyone around me paid for it. I was distracted, stressed, and crabby. I really don't like myself on days like this, but I know it's all my own fault, which makes it worse. Who wants to be in a bad mood AND be the one to blame for it too? Sigh. I did not allow for any margin in my day. I had places to go and I was out of gas. I was hungry and I was out of food. I had deadlines to meet and was out of time. I had appointments to meet and I was out of caring anymore. Blah.  Then, to top it off, I missed out on something I was really looking forward to because of my careless planning for the day. Initially, I manned-up and realized that I was just getting the consequence for my actions. Then, I realized that I was more sad about it than I wanted to admit. I'm still pretty bummed, actually.

As my night wound down, and I reflected on my day, I realized a couple of things. First, there were several points during the day that I could feel my stress levels rising. A couple of those times, I thought I should ask some friends to pray for me again - prayers for peace. I really needed prayer! But, I didn't ask. I also didn't take the whole half-second to remember that Jesus is right there waiting for me to talk to Him about my stress, too. I was so wrapped up in my busy-ness, that my brain was obviously malfunctioning. The second thing I noticed was that I have a natural tendency to be self-absorbed. I'm actually quite proficient at it, and one might think that I wouldn't need to practice it so much. When Breathe was playing, I focused on the words.  It wasn't long before I was reacquainted with Him and feeling a great deal of peace. I took a little journey today on that path of "me," and again I was reminded of why I can't walk this road alone. I much prefer going through this life with Him. He gives me strength, peace, and joy. He even gives me the ability to giggle a little when I hear a young boy say, "Butt."

Don't Hold Me Down

2010-03-21T18:24:00.002-05:00

"All this time, I've been getting in my own way. I had to tell myself if only I could be the one to make a change. Don't hold me down. I was getting so far. Don't hold me down, cuz I don't wanna fall apart. Don't hold me down. You see I'm waking up, I feel it now. I'm breaking out and nothing's gonna stop me now." ~ Colbie Caillat

Sometimes I have a big mouth. Today I said something about doing some things on my "bucket list," to someone else and they actually asked me what was on my bucket list. Ummm...I wasn't prepared for that. "Well, I want to run a marathon, and I'm going back to school to get my master's." That's about all I had in my "on-the-spot" bucket list memory. I have to admit I was a little embarrassed that I hadn't actually made a physical list that I could refer to (especially since I was the one to bring it up). It's not that I don't have things that I want to do, but up until quite recently, I lived this ho-hum life where all I did was dream of living rather than actually doing it because I was full of FEAR. I also thought that all of my dreams had to be achieved with or through someone else. I guess I've come to a point in my life (willingly or not) where I've been broken and crumbled, where I finally realized that dreams are really only dreams and not realities. So, I realized that life isn't meant to be lived in wishful thoughts or meant to please others, but just simply lived. I took some time this afternoon to write down the things I want to accomplish before I kick the bucket:

white water rafting, bungee jumping, eat apples in Vermont in the fall, enjoy the cherry blossoms in Washington DC in the spring, work in Africa, visit India, write a book and have it published, ride an entire week of RAGBRAI, walk through the leaves of Central Park in the fall, live in a house by a lake where I can watch the sun rise and set every day and where I can have my own apple trees, run the New York marathon (pending success of my first marathon attempt this fall...this one is negotiable), own a Jeep Wrangler, write music and actually share it with others, etc.

I guess the list seems short when I look at it, but it feels good to get it out of my mind and into a place where I can actually start checking things off. For a long time, I thought that these ideas were selfish and self-centered and that God wouldn't be pleased with me thinking only of myself, so instead of just being honest with Him, I pretended like only dreaming about them was okay. It's amazing what peace He has granted since I just came clean with Him and chatted about how I really feel! I have no idea how many of these things will actually come to fruition, but I suspect that opportunities will arise. He may even give me new ideas or change my interest level in others. I guess the exciting thing is knowing that He's going along with me and regardless of what happens, it's bound to be an adventure! "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7)

Run

2010-03-19T22:36:00.002-05:00

"They say just follow your heart, but what if it lies? God only knows how to play this game called life and living. Well, you know I tried to make you love me, and I really should've known that it would only make you run. Some people always want just a little more than they're given... Stop me running from the things that can save my life." ~ Paul Colman Trio

When I was in early elementary, I had the most patient P.E. teacher. Whenever our class would run or get involved in "heavy" exercising, I inevitably wound up with a brown paper bag in front of my face in the superintendent's office. Apparently, I had a hard time breathing. He would often walk me to the office and sit with me until the secretary/nurse could give me her attention. At the time, I just thought I was fat or out of shape. I also thought that maybe my problem was that my dad smoked. My dad often told me that I didn't know how to run because I ran flat-footed (which actually is just how I'm made and I'm an incredible swimmer as a result), and so a part of me thought that maybe my breathing problems were because I didn't run correctly.

One very hot, muggy afternoon of volleyball camp in our high school gym, our coach had all of us line up on the baseline to run sprints. I had just worked about six hours as a lifeguard at the local pool and then went through about an hour's worth of practice. After running a couple sprints, we lined up again. I most remember when the coach blew the whistle to start, I watched all my teammates take off running as I slumped over backwards in a foggy blackness. I can't really say that running has ever been my favorite thing to do. I even quit playing basketball in the state of Iowa when the girls switched from 6-on-6 to 5-on-5. There was NO way that I was going to run up and down the court non-stop for a basketball. Seriously. It never occurred to me that my troubles with breathing while running could have been something that I had no control over. (It turns out that I have exercised induced asthma, and all I need is a simple inhaler to keep me going.)

Given my history of running, it was slightly odd to me that just under three years ago (when my life seemed to sour and spoil), I had an intense need to run. Fueling myself on emotions and stress, I was able to run a couple of miles everytime I went out. I would think of people, situations, or circumstances and the pace of my steps would measure how intense my feelings were for those subjects. I'm pretty sure there were times that I was near taking off in flight. Running became an escape for me. I used it as a stress-reliever. I used my time to process things in my head and my heart. I also used that time to dream of a life that was better and was different. Not only was I physically running, but I was mentally and emotionally running away, too. Whenever things were tough, I would run. I found myself fighting the urge to run out of rooms or conversations when things became intense because I was used to using those emotions and feelings to propel me on the pavement.

For now, I am currently training for a marathon, a full-blown, God-help-me, marathon. Up until recently, I was using the remnants of my broken heart to fuel me as I ran. I let my heart dream away as I would run, and I would invariably wind up feeling nostalgic and sentimental when I was done, which coupled with physical exhaustion, generally led to tears and feelings of remorse and sadness. For some reason, I knew that training for this marathon was going to require more than the measley strength I was garnering from my brokenness. As Lent has progressed, I am becoming more and more aware of the changes He is producing in me. A couple weeks ago, I decided not to think of the things of the past and allow them to consume me anymore. Instead, I chose to think of the things that are held by the future. I was making a decision to stop running away from the past and the hurt that it holds, but instead, running towards the future. I have started setting goals in my running because it is going to get me to the finish line. I don't have to dream about it anymore, because every day that I train, I am one step closer to crossing that finish line still standing.

This is carrying over into all parts of my life. I've always been my worst enemy when it came to "success." I have always believed myself to be less than capable of achieving anything. When He changed the way I started thinking about things, He changed several parts of me. I enjoy running now. I am taking my vitamins now and actually eating healthy foods (because I really crave them and they taste better). I finally know what I want to do when I grow up and I'm not afraid to go after it. (That sentence is so loaded and full of excitement, I'm not certain how best to contain it!) I have so many things that I am running towards right now, that it has barely occurred to me that there were things of the past that were simply tying me down and keeping me locked in chains. Maybe this is what Paul was talking about in Philippians 3:13-14. Again, I am simply humbled to be a piece of art that He is tweaking and perfecting. I am so excited as I look forward to what more He has in store!

The Hand of Providence

2010-03-16T22:45:00.000-05:00

"The Hand of Providence has been our best defense, though His ways are sometimes hard to understand. From the dying of a heartbeat to another soul reborn, from in between and circling our thoughts of love and war. The Hand of Providence is guiding us through choices that we make. The Hand of Providence is reaching out to help us on our way." ~ Michael W. Smith

I really don't have much to say tonight, other than this song popped in my head as I was driving home and I found a great sense of peace with it. As always, I was thinking, talking, analyzing, pondering, etc. I heard once that no one goes through life without problems, so be thankful for the small ones. I know that God's plans have never been to hurt me. I have screwed up a lot of things and I have made myself available to detours from His plan, which have actually been quite painful. If I'm honest with myself (and responsible), I will know that my pain is the result of trying to cram a "square-pegged" life into the "round hole" design He planned for me. It occurred to me tonight that despite my fussing and whining, He has maintained a hold on me, never letting go, and loving me without ceasing. I imagine it might be something similar to a very patient, loving parent gently (and without frustration or malice) holding on to their toddler who is successfully throwing a ginormous tantrum with screams and flailing appendages in a packed parking lot. I'm sure everyone is looking at that parent with judgment, just like so many look at God and blame Him for what goes on. But, when it comes down to it, some things we have control over, but most things we don't. The things we have the ability to control, we also have the ability to screw up. Call me a perfectionist or simply proud, but I'm okay with not screwing up anymore. (I know I will, though...dang!) His hand is there to guide me, if I will just take the time to look for it, listen for it, and latch on to it. I'm so thankful to be loved in a way that I've never understood before - genuine, sincere, compassionate, fierce. His love is providence and it's intense!

Deciphering Me

2010-03-13T19:17:00.003-06:00

"While I'm tuning you in, you are deciphering me. I'm not such a mystery, not such a faint and far away sound. It's love, it's love that holds us. We will be all right. It's truth, it's truth that shows us if we walk in His light." ~ Brooke Fraser

If the purpose of Lent is to draw closer to Him, and if drawing closer to Him helps us to become more like Him, then it seems to make sense that as I learn more about who I have been (which is altogether not quite like Him yet), I am going to experience some growing pains along the way. I remember in an earlier post (a few months ago), I was complaining about the process of growing in spiritual maturity feeling like crap. (I obviously hadn't reached a point of maturity yet. Sigh.) I just want to thank those that do read this blog for not inundating me with brief messages reminding me of my need for growth. In His timing, He is revealing things to me about myself that sometimes take my breath away.

I have this crazy idea that sometimes I am doing okay, that I am on the right track and doing/thinking/living all the things I should. This last week, someone placed a mirror in front of my face. Instead of gazing at myself, I cringed. I think it's important to note that I didn't cringe and then cower, but instead, I cringed and then picked my chin up and thought, "Okay, Jesus....now what!?" Here's what happened. I was whining about all the things that have seemingly gone wrong in the last couple years. Actually, I was trying really hard to show my friends how great I thought I was doing in my recovery of those things. I can only now embarassingly shake my head at my naivete then (as if it were that long ago). They shared II Corinthians 7:10 with me. "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regrets, but worldly sorrow brings death." At first glance, I was thinking that this sounded like a piece of cake. I thought I had this one in the bag. I wasn't dead, nor did I feel spiritually dead. I have repented and I have no regrets....no regrets....no regrets?? Hmmmm.....

That whole "no regrets" thing had my foundation rocking a little, but it wasn't until I read through a list comparing Godly sorrow to worldly sorrow that I felt the Spirit convicting me big time. (Conviction....not condemnation!) Have I cried over what has been done to me, or have I confessed my own sin and acknowledged that Christ's blood is enough? Have I only seen my wounds, or have I seen God's mercy in His wounds? Have I complained to others (oh, yes, I have), or have I cried out to Him? Have my tears been the result of hope leading me to repentence, or my own feeling of hopelessness? As I read through the list, it became more and more obvious that I was wallowing in worldly sorrow and not Godly sorrow. I have been extremely selfish and ego-maniacal. Unfortunately, I've known that I have a "me, me, me" problem, but I didn't realize how much it was affecting my spiritual growth in this particular area. The truth is that I don't want to be that way, and I certainly don't want to waste the lessons I've been taught. It comes down to a simple question: "What are You wanting to teach me?" And then ultimately, waiting patiently for Him to answer so that I can respond.

You Never Let Go

2010-03-08T21:50:00.001-06:00

"I can see a light that is comin' for the heart that holds on. And there will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes still I will praise You. I will fear no evil for my God is with me. And if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear? You never let go through the calm and through the storm...in every high and every low...You never let go. Lord, You never let go of me." ~ Matt Redman

I was so eager to hear this weekend's sermon on prayer. I love how God works in His own timing and ways. At some points last night, I suppose He was smiling down on me, and at other moments, I am sure he wasn't exactly proud of me (you'll see why soon enough). The timing of the sermon was well played, and fortunately, the part I really needed to hear came at the very beginning during the scripture reading. Not only was I able to hear it, but I had the "pleasant" opportunity to apply it right away.

I had heard on Saturday night that the sermon was going to be on prayer, and that at some point, we were encouraged to text our prayer requests. (I thought it was pretty cool that I was unknowingly one whole day ahead of that!) But, I haven't discounted my restlessness lately. Something has been stirring, and I'm really not sure what. I've had several things on my mind, so there wasn't one thing that was sticking out. However, last night, I had that one thing that gets me every time just show up and plop itself right down in front of me at church. Right there. In my line of vision. In my "I-don't-know-how-to-take-my-eyes-off-this-most-distracting-difficult-disturbing-diabolical" tempting line of vision. AUGH! I have to confess, I tried to be honorable. I tried to be noble. But, then, Pastor Mike and Pastor Richard said that we could get mad at God and we could tell Him exactly how we felt, and I pretty much did just that. I was ready to hurl rocks in the general direction of the "thing." I realized that I still have some raw emotions when it comes to this, and I've been suppressing the frustration and anger. I finally realized that I am just flat out mad that things have not turned out the way I thought they would.

Imagine Cinderella's coach and carriage turning back into pumpkins before she got to the ball, so the prince marries one of the ugly step-sisters, and Cinderella goes back to living with the pigs. It makes for a pretty depressing fairy tale, doesn't it? That's exactly how I feel. And, I've wanted to blame someone. And, I finally had to be honest with myself. In the midst of training and coaxing myself into whole-heartedly believing that God is in control, I've kinda built up this resentment that the way things are panning out pretty much stinks and I think that I deserve an explanation or at the very least an apology. Yep. I just got real with myself. In my mind, I also got real with Him, but the truth is that He already knew this about me...He was just waiting for the right time and place to help me see it. (I am loved!)

Here I am today - an untrained runner on the prayer track. I'm exhausted. I've opened my heart, poured out my innermost everything, surrendered, pleaded, etc. I don't stand before Him demanding riches, glory, or fame. I just want an answer - I need peace. I've needed to hear that voice speak over me, reassure me, comfort me.

"But if we hope for what we do not have yet, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:25-28

He answered.

Peace

2010-03-06T21:18:00.001-06:00

"There had to be a breaking for my heart to change. The winds have blown against me, but I've learned to stay cuz I can be still in the middle of a storm. You give me peace to rest my soul inside this hurricane that blows. And, I will anchor in the harbor of Your love. Within my weakness, You are strong to stand against the rain that comes. You give me peace to be still in the middle of a storm." ~ Christa Black

Somehow the pesky little details of life (that want to hide until they think it is just the right time to show themselves) are working overtime to avoid a premature reveal in my life. I heard a quote once that said something about how funny it is when day to day nothing changes, but somehow when you turn around, everything is different. I think I'm stuck somewhere between the "nothing changes," and the "everything is different." Most days, I have a peace about what the future holds. Other days, like yesterday, I am anything but peaceful.

Thursday night started things off. I was privy to some "information" that just rattled me. I wasn't prepared for the effects of it, and spent the majority of the evening searching for someway to remain calm and rational. I tried praying, but the words just wouldn't come out the way I wanted them to. I tried reading the Bible, but the thoughts in my head were screaming so loudly, I couldn't make out the words and meanings. It was too late to call a friend for advice, and I wasn't able to recall an encouraging song that would help get me back on track. I had a hard time falling asleep that night, and unfortunately that set me up for the next morning. Friday was a tough day, and none of my "go-to" remedies were working.

In the past, I used to let my emotions and failures consume me and I would mull everything around all on my own. I had major control issues when it came to my spiritual independence. Yesterday, I decided to look restlessness in the face and call its bluff. Thanks to the advances of modern technology, I texted several friends and made a simple request of my prayer warriors, "I need prayers of peace." I didn't need to go into details, because God already knew all of them anyway. For once, I finally realized how much I needed someone else. I had a true need for community. It's not that I doubted God was listening to me as I pleaded with Him on my own, nor did I believe that just because I wasn't "feeling" it, He was going to ignore me. I just needed to know that someone was in my corner to help lift me up when I was unable to do so on my own. The responses to my text were immediate. I knew right away that I was being lifted up in prayer, and that just does wonders for the soul. My night ended nicely, and today, praise God, has been even better.

I stand humbled and amazed at the wonders of Him. I am so blessed to be His daughter - to be in His family. I am beyond blessed to be a part of this family with other believers that are willing and able to lift up the needs of their family members. Again, circumstances have not necessarily changed (although that day of turning around is coming...I believe it!), but I have regained peace - even in the middle of the storm.

Everlasting God

2010-03-03T21:46:00.000-06:00

"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. Our God, You reign forever. Our hope, our strong deliverer. You are the everlasting God. You do not faint. You won't grow weary. You're the defender of the weak. You comfort those in need. You lift us up on wings like eagles." ~ Brenton Brown

In one of my favorite movies, When Harry Met Sally, there is this annoying feature that helps the story move along. Periodically, the words "five years later" flash across the screen and you realize that time has elapsed. Do you ever wonder what happened during those missing five years? I do. I have a really hard time believing that nothing significant or meaningful happened during that time. I realize in movies there is a time constraint and they have to stick to the high points, but I often find myself wondering about different periods of my life and thinking that maybe I'm currently living the "missing" five years, the insignificant times or the not-so-noteworthy times. Or maybe I'm kinda like the Israelites out wandering around for forty years.

I think I'm at that point in my life right now. I am not really tied down to anything. I have a desire to fulfill my hopes and dreams and to love and to serve. I have no idea where I'm meant to do that, when I'm meant to do that, or with whom I am meant to do those things. I'm essentially an Israelite wandering around, biding my time until the Promised Land approaches. I'm content here. I finally like myself and realize what I can offer. I'm completely dependent on Him, and somehow that makes me even stronger. I read a book once called The Waiting Time. It was all about a woman's necessity to wait for the right time to move on with her life. I guess that's where I am. However, the trick is not getting so comfortable here that I choose to stay. Despite not knowing exactly where the road is leading, I have to continue to walk the path regardless of how mundane and long it appears. In Isaiah 40 it says, "He gives power to the weak, and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." So, this is my waiting time. My challenge is patiently and fearlessly waiting on Him (trusting Him), knowing that He will give me the endurance I need to finish this race in victory. I'm also learning that as I wait upon Him, He is preparing the way for mighty things to come. Even though the events of my life currently are not drama-ready (I know....hard to believe), He is changing me and shaping me to be the person He can use not just now, but in the not-so-distant future. I'm looking forward to where this path will take me!

Brave

2010-02-28T12:45:00.002-06:00

"Cuz it's been fear that ties me down to everything. But, it's been love, Your love, that cuts the strings. So long status quo. I think I just let go. The way it always was, is no longer good enough. You make me wanna be brave." ~ Nichole Nordeman

In every person's life, there are those moments that are so powerful, so meaningful that you would do anything to freeze them in time so they would never be forgotten. I can clearly recall the day when my grandmother, who was weak with fractured hips from the marrow-eating matastesized bone cancer that took her life just a few months later, walked up a winding, marble staircase at the public library to hear me play Mozart because the elevator was broken. Recently, after I sang, someone told me I sounded like Natalie Merchant. I pretty much wanted to bottle that up and bring it down periodically just for the "awww, wow!" smiles it gave me. This week has been one so powerful, so meaningful that I would be remiss if it didn't change my life.

Last weekend, I was sharing with a small group of friends (whom I have come to love so dearly) some of the trials I have experienced in the last year or two. I really wasn't looking for sympathy, but simply wanted to share my heart and burdens as well as explain how I got to the point of having the joy I have now. They didn't have many reactions (other than quiet listening) until I said one thing. I told them I was afraid of being like someone else. Instantly, they jumped on me. I said the word "afraid," and I wasn't supposed to live in that. Hmmm....the teaching began.

Now, I know that I'm not supposed to live in fear. I know that fear is not of God. I know that the only fear we are to have is of Him and it is a healthy respect and reverence, not a terrified, paralyzing fear. I know that verse that says, "If He is for us, who can be against us?". I know these things. But I didn't believe them. Actually, I just never took the time to think about them enough to apply to my life because I was living in denial of the fact that I have lived my ENTIRE life in fear. It had become so natural for me, that I couldn't see the forest for the trees. When I was a child, I often lied to avoid getting in trouble because I feared what would happen to me. As I grew older, I pretended to be perfect because I was afraid of what others would think about me. Fear is the reason I married so young. Fear is the reason I had my second child. Fear is the reason I never worked until I was forced to. Fear is the reason I avoided close friendships. Fear is the reason I dropped out of the music program at school. Fear is the reason I divorced. Fear is the reason I have clung desperately to things and people that had no purpose other than to hurt me. Fear of change. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear. Fear. Fear.

For several months, I have been praying that He would open the doors for me to have relationships with older women who are believers, who knew the Bible, and could pray for me and build me up. I'm one of those snooty girls who grew up in the church, so I don't take direction very well. I get this weird idea that I already know all the answers, so I needed a woman (or women) who could school me. He has provided. On Wednesday, I met with two women who sat and listened and prayed. I shared my fears. I hope everyone has someone in their life like my friend, Barb. In a matter of minutes, and based off words that I had shared with her, she had several scripture references. Not only was she confirming my "aha" moments, but scripture was, too. In Deuteronomy 1:29-31, God is fighting for me, so I don't have to be afraid. In Psalm 85:13, He is preparing a way. Etc. Then, we prayed. We prayed for a release of those fears.

Later in the week a lovely friend sent me a devotional that came out of I Kings 17. It's a story about how the Lord provides - abundantly. Apparently, God didn't want me to forget my "aha" moments this week. I have no idea what lies around the corner. The only thing I know is that He is preparing a way within my heart. I know that the time He has taken to create me and design me for a purpose is not going to be wasted anymore on the fears that have kept me tied to a life full of dreaming and hoping. Instead, He is leading me into a life that is full - where dreams and hopes are reality. As long as my hope is in Him, His ways will continue to be higher than mine. He's going to totally blow my mind. I believe it.

Desert Song

2010-02-26T20:51:00.001-06:00

"This is my prayer in the harvest, where favor and providence flow. I know I'm filled to be emptied again. The seed I've received, I will sow." ~ Brooke Fraser

Tonight I was sitting at the piano playing whatever song came to mind. I traveled through a few and then started playing Desert Song. Sometimes when I sit down to sing and play, I just get lost in what I'm doing. Even though I'm singing lyrics and playing music, I'm basically on auto-pilot so there are many times when the words are lost to me. I say them, but I don't actually hear them. I've done that a lot over the years with music and scripture. There are times when I've heard something so frequently that it loses its impact, and other times, it smacks me when I least expect it and usually in a new way.

While singing through the lyrics of this song, the part mentioned above hit me. "I know I'm filled to be emptied again..." I believe that the meaning of this part of the song was that all of Christ's love that fills me will overflow into others, and as I am emptied of that love, He continues to replenish. But, my brain quickly did one of those "look-out-she's-doing-one-of-those-over-active-thinking" exercises. As I thought about being emptied, I reflected on the times in my life that I have felt empty. For the most part, they were very selfish and painful times. I realized instantly that I wasn't being emptied because I was allowing Christ's love to flow through me into others, instead, I was stopping His love from flowing through me altogether. Almost as quickly as I realized that, I realized that I have been missing so much: His blessings, His abundance, His love, healthy relationships, holy communion, etc. by thinking that I needed to take care of me first. Doh! Nothing like a good roundhouse kick to get me back on track...

Beautiful News

2010-02-22T08:10:00.001-06:00

"Joy is the thing of my song and the beat of my heart, and that joy is found in You. For You showed the power of Your cross and Your grace, saving love, and my soul woke up to You. I heard your beautiful news, grace so amazing so true. Shout it out, let the people sing! Something so powerful should shake the whole wide world. Make it loud, make it louder still. Savior, we're singing out to celebrate Your beautiful news." ~ Matt Redman

Something happened this weekend. I'm not really certain what it was, but when I spoke with my mom on the phone last night, I told her that it felt good to be alive again. I didn't exactly have a flashing lights and blaring sirens moment, but I did have a good weekend. I have been taking Nicky Gumbel's Alpha course for the past several weeks, and this weekend was our Holy Spirit retreat. I didn't sweat what may or may not happen prior to arriving, nor did I give it a whole lot of thought or consideration. I was playing with the band, and I knew they would let me know when I should or shouldn't play and the rest of the weekend was just going to be what it was. The teaching, fellowship, and worship was great. We were able to have plenty of prayer time, which I loved. But, again, nothing stood out as a "woohoo" moment. But, something changed.

I came home Saturday night and crashed. I was exhausted. I slept in to 7:37 a.m., which is actually pretty good for me. And then, I cleaned my house. Most people will not realize how huge this is. I moved into my quaint little home in September, so about five months ago. I have lived in a depressed state for all five of those months. I have yet to intentionally invite anyone inside my home and I cringe when I hear the doorbell ring and I practically double over in pain when I realize the person at the door is my incredible landlord. My house has been a place where I could shut the blinds and hide out in my thoughts, dreams, and nightmares, and whimper about how I wish things were different. I've known that my heart was changing - I could tell a difference in the way I was emotionally handling situations in the last few weeks, but this weekend, it became obvious. So, I cleaned my house and I organized my books and cabinets. I decorated and simplified. I currently have two boxes left to unpack, and that should be done within the week. My friends will be happy to know that my movies have all been restored to alphabetical order. The change within my heart is finally starting to spill out into my home as well.

This morning as I was driving eastward on a snow covered county road, I could not help but take in the sunrise. Initially, it was a plump, pink watermelon crescent peeking over the horizon, but it quickly became a bleeding watermelon that exploded its color all across the sky. Again, it was obvious to me that something has changed. For so long, I wanted to see the beauty in creation again. I wanted to know that I could find happiness again. Today, I feel so blessed to have moments where He is giving clarity. I think the thing that happened this weekend, even though I don't recall asking for it, is He gave me joy. I have joy! For once, I can say that I have joy and it's not lip service. It's actually something that I feel and believe is living deep down inside me. My circumstances haven't changed one bit in the last few days. Everything is exactly as it was with the exception of my perspective. I really do feel like I'm finally coming alive again. I am giving thanks today for times of refreshing and restoration.

Freedom

2010-02-19T10:15:00.003-06:00

"You best get outta God's way. God is sayin', 'Freedom to dance. Freedom to sing. Freedom to grow. I'm tellin' you, Pharoah, let my people go.'" ~ Jason Upton

I am so spoiled. Ridiculously spoiled. I'm a brat. I know this because I am just on my third day of drinking only water and the internal struggle I am having is absolutely ridiculous. So many going through this challenge are suffering from caffeine withdrawals, and fortunately, I don't have to take Excedrin or chomp on espresso beans to get a fix. I don't have an addiction to caffeine. I have an addiction to getting whatever I want whenever I want it. Like I said, I'm a brat. I am forty-eight hours into having what could be one of my greatest personal triumphs ever.

Right now, the urge I have to drink something other than water is pretty strong. I imagine someone offering me something to drink other than water, and I'm pretty sure at this moment I would either yell at them for being so insensitive or I might just start crying. "Would you like some tea this morning?" My response, riddled with tears, would be: "Why are you so mean-spirited? Don't you know how rude it is to torment me like this? I can't believe you would even think of offering me something other than water! I've never known you to be so cruel. I really don't think I want to be your friend anymore." When I think of the fact that I have approximately thirty-seven and a half days left, I feel like I just started a marathon without any training. Every fiber of my being wants to quit. I don't think I can do this. I don't have it in me. I don't want to sweat, stress, or feel uncomfortable. I want to drink a glass of orange juice for breakfast and when I go out to dinner I want some red wine and in between, I'd like to drink chocolate milk or some pop or can I please, please, please have some chai before I completely forget how glorious it is? Somehow, I've actually managed to graduate to a whiny brat. sigh.

As I mentioned before, I am on the path to one of my greatest triumphs ever. I can think of very few times in my life that I met a challenge head-on and saw it to the end. I am notorious for starting projects and never finishing them. I have lofty ambitions and set high goals and then place them on a shelf so I can shine and polish them as I periodically smile and dream about them, but I never actually enjoy the beauty of having them be a part of my daily life. Not this time. I don't want to do what I always do: duck and retreat, running for cover when the going gets tough. I am determined to see this through. I already know that I will give financially to Blood: Water Mission, so that part isn't really what is motivating me this time (although it is very much worth it). At this point, it is remembering that He is with me. With Him, I can accomplish a difficult task and enjoy the satisfaction of reaching the finish line. There is a very curious part of me that wonders how He will bless determination and discipline. Where will this lead? After this first milestone is tackled, what comes next? For now, I do have freedom - freedom to live and grow, and I suppose I have the freedom to quit being a brat, too...

It Stops Today

2010-02-17T15:46:00.000-06:00

"I can't keep on running, no I just can't keep on running away from here. I know that the only way to beat it is to fight my every fear. I'm not gonna make it 'til I turn around and face it alone....so it stops today." ~ Colbie Caillat

I am a sucker for a challenge. Last night, I was chatting with God about what things I should "give up" for Lent. (Which, to be honest, this whole "give up" thing completely fascinates me. You'd think we've all been asked to die a slow, painful death by the way we talk about sacrificing something for a few weeks.) I read through some scriptures that He brought to mind, and I didn't really get a clear answer. I decided this morning to just go with the challenge Blood: Water Mission gave, and call it good.

I whistled my way through the morning, getting ready in good time and only reminiscing once about the chai that was in my refrigerator that I chugged the day before in an "I have to have this now or it will go to waste" desperation. I went to school and worked on some lesson plans and realized that I would need some caffeine today, so grabbed my wallet for the necessary fifty cents to grab a pop and fortunately, I only had about fifteen pennies. If the needed quarters were present, I would have chugged my 12 ounces of caffeine without thinking. Because the money was missing, I was able to do a double-take and then pridefully pat myself on the back for not drinking something other than water. (I have mentioned before that I have pride issues, right? Sigh.) Surprisingly, it didn't bother me that I somehow lacked the "freedom" to get a soda.

My first "oh, no!" moment came at lunch. I always eat school lunch (yes...it's really not all that bad), and I always follow it with a chocolate milk chaser. Not today. My biggest fear was that out of habit (just like with the soda), I would grab that chocolate milk and chug away. I didn't, but my heart was a little sad. Actually, my heart and my tastebuds were both a lot sad. I pretty much had a pity party for myself, but kept my chin up while I drank water out of a horribly unrecycled styrofoam cup. In the midst of my internal whining, I was reminded of a sermon that Pastor Mike shared recently about giving. We are supposed to give with a joyful heart. "God loves a cheerful giver." Hmpf. I really do have the noblest of intentions and fully intend to see this challenge to the end. I'm stubborn that way. But, it's painfully obvious that my heart has a lot to learn through this, too. I'm not a cheerful giver. I'm a weinie. I'm fully aware of gifts that I give or don't give. I feel their impact. Sigh. So, the next forty days have a new challenge for me: not just giving, but giving cheerfully.

All Who Are Thirsty

2010-02-16T15:45:00.003-06:00

"Let all who are thirsty, all who are weak, come to the fountain. Dip your heart in the streams of life. Let the pain and the sorrow be washed away in the waves of His mercy as the deep cries to deep." ~ Kutless

Tomorrow is the beginning of Lent. This is the time we use to prepare for the approaching Holy Week. Traditionally, people fast from something. I remember being in elementary school and the Catholic kids invariably were going without meat on Fridays which meant we had several weeks of fish sandwiches and cheese pizza, but they would also give up pop or candy or something else. My church never really focused on fasting from anything, so I never considered doing it. To be honest, if something were going to make a significant impact on me because I removed it from my life, it would have to be music or my ipod or worse, my computer. Actually, the thought of going without any of those things makes my eyes twitch. I'm pretty well naive about Lent and the whole purpose of it. Maybe my eyes are supposed to twitch. The things we give up should be something that we daily think about and depend on. Ultimately, I know I shouldn't put so much emphasis on those things, and I believe that this is a great opportunity to remember where my focus should be at this time.

One of my favorite non-profits is Blood: Water Mission that supports building wells and providing clean and safe water for residents of Africa. This year, BWM is encouraging its followers to give up drinking everything but water for Lent. So, say I stop by the coffee shop and spend $4 on a chai latte. During Lent, instead, I will drink water and will collect the money I would have spent and donate it to BWM after 40 days. Not only is it not adding something to my already tight budget, but it's giving me the opportunity to daily be reminded of what His commission is really all about. To be honest, I don't spend $4 daily on drinks. I generally don't drink much more than water anyway. But, I have decided to set aside a certain amount to donate and then add anything that I would have spent on drinks during this Lenten season.

Isaiah 58:6 says, "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?" I have been challenged to think upon Lent more this year than I recall doing any other year. Tonight as I pray, I am trusting that He will reveal to me what He is asking me to lay aside for Him. What about you? What is He calling you to change?

Where The Love Lasts Forever

2010-02-13T08:34:00.002-06:00

"And now, forever Yours, I'll stand in love, where the love lasts forever." ~ United

Rather than fight the strong urge to puke or cry this Valentine's weekend, or stab my eyes with forks as a friend on facebook mentioned, I have decided to take the time to think about the love I do have and all of a sudden, it has become incredibly obvious to me that I'm the lucky one! Let me tell you a little bit about the guy that loves me:

He absolutely loves me - every single part of me. He knows everything about me, inside and out, and for some reason, He seems to be okay with my flaws. He's never once told me that I had to change for Him. He's never had an expectation of me that exceeds my abilities. In the things that I'm not so great at, instead of getting frustrated or mad at me, He actually helps me get better. He's never lied to me, cheated on me, or abandoned me. If I'm ever feeling bad, He is always willing to listen, comfort, and encourage. If I'm happy, He shares in my joy. He trusts me when I tell Him I love Him and doesn't play games with my heart or my words. He has never left me alone, and I have always been able to depend on Him. He has never disregarded my feelings, even when I am angry or irrational. He has so much patience and kindness.

He spoils me with gifts, too! A bouquet of flowers is actually quite trivial. He has given me fields and fields of flowers to enjoy. Chocolate? Amazingly, He creates incredible ingredients that blend together to make the most amazing foods that far surpass chocolate. I have stars placed in just the right places for me gaze upon, lakes and ponds to relax around, trees that wave at me when gentle breezes blow, and mountains, hills, plains, and deserts to explore.

For now, He is actually building a huge mansion for me and planning a massive party. This party is going to be so glorious and full of excitement that the people who have hurt me and broken my heart are even invited, but I won't be devastated by their presence. I love that when everything is ready, He will be my knight in shining armor, riding on His horse, and coming to take me home. He will sweep me off my feet and pretty much the rest of our lives is going to be one ridiculously happy time. Oh, did I mention that this will last forever? Yeah.

I love that He is jealous for me and He protects me. He speaks my love language perfectly. There is no way that someone else is going to steal my heart away, because He will fight for me. As I am waiting for Him to return, if He thinks there is someone that I should share my time with, then I know that He will pick the best one out for me. He will bless me with someone that understands His love for me and will do the best they can to love me the same. It seems like I've got it made this Valentine's Day. I think I'll celebrate and forget about puking and crying...or stabbing my eyes with forks.

Hosea's Wife

2010-02-12T12:21:00.002-06:00

"I see the scars of searches everywhere I go, from hearts to wars to literature to radio. There's a question, like a shame no one will show, "What do I live for?" We are Hosea's wife; we are squandering this life. Using people like ladders and words like knives...bodies like money and truth like lies." ~ Brooke Fraser

What was it with Hosea's wife, Gomer? Her story is pretty colorful. She was a prostitute, she had a husband, had a few kids, she left him several times, and yet God kept telling her husband to take her back. She had all she could have ever needed or wanted. But, her heart wasn't settled. She thought she needed something more, and she thought she needed to be the one to make it happen. I know that the whole meaning of the book of Hosea is that God can be angry with His people, yet love them so steadfastly and unconditionally despite the fact that we whore ourselves out to the idols and ideals of this world, but it seems as though it is a telling story of who we are as believers, too.

I see a lot of selfish behavior around me. I'm sure, if others were reviewing my life, they would see something similar. I really don't want to be this way, and I'm sure that if confronted, others would not want to be seen this way either. When I see it in others, though, it breaks my heart. Just like Hosea's wife, they wander around entering and exiting relationships as if the doors to our hearts are supposed to be set to permanently rotate. It's almost as if that unsettled spirit still reigns in our hearts - just like Hosea's wife. We've been given something that is all we could ever want or need, yet through our mind's eye, we are convinced that it's not enough - that there may just be something better out there. I'm reminded of The Eagles song, Desperado, that talks about that very same thing: "It seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table, but you only want the ones that you can't get." There's definitely an understanding that we all have when it comes to wanting something greater.

So, God promises us something. He will pursue us (Hosea 2:14-23). He will not abandon us despite the insecurities we have created for ourselves that propel us into other relationships which will never meet our needs or our expectations. He will restore for us the places that have been devastated, even the ones we have destroyed through our own selfish behavior. He will fight for us. He will be jealous for us. He will sit back and watch us walk away and leave Him, and He will let us go. But, if we only turn around, He will run to us. I could be wrong, and I could very well be biased, but as I watch men and women weave in and out of the lives of others, I want so desperately for them to know who they are in Christ. That it is His love that should define them. I want them to have the confidence in their hearts that they have already been won. They do not have to search any further. They do not have to endure the pain of broken, empty relationships anymore because they are free in Christ. I am only just beginning to understand this for myself. I certainly haven't perfected it, as I am just finally accepting His love for me. I know how desperately I need it and I truly want others to know how much they need it, too. In the meantime, it's so sad watching the broken hearts perpetuating more broken hearts.

Through Smoke

2010-02-05T12:16:00.004-06:00

"Who do you believe when you can't get through, when everything you know seems so untrue? When I'm lost in the place that I thought I knew, give me some way that I might find you through smoke." ~ needtobreathe

Lately, I have been challenged big time. I haven't had much time to write, and initially I thought that was not a good thing. Although, the more time away I've had, I have realized that I'm finally living what I was talking about in all my previous posts. I was actually getting to a point where I was feeling convicted about simply writing and talking about an experiential faith rather than doing something. I was praying that He would open doors, and He has answered. I've been busy building and cultivating relationships, new and old, and I have to confess there is a certain apprehension that I have.

Awhile back, I had a conversation with a new friend about people. He said that everyone is broken. (Me, in all my perfection, had no idea what he was talking about...which is why I started crying while he was talking.) He painted a visual for me. He talked about how, as a whole, believers are like a stained glass window. Each of us is a broken piece, colored by our own lives, but when molded together by Christ (the lead in the window), we become a beautiful piece of art that has His light shining through. It seems that recently, God has placed me in the right places at the right times to be there for others that are in the midst of brokenness. The only thing I can add is an empathetic heart and a buttload of prayers. I can recall several times in the last few weeks asking God to please help me, to please be with me. I don't want the words of my mind or my heart to trump what He would say or do. In the midst of sharing pain with my friends, I have found it most difficult to wait on Him to give an answer. Anyone who knows me knows how hard (virtually impossible) it is for me to keep my mouth shut. But, this is where He has me right now. The doors to relationships are widening and they are increasing in depth. I don't want to be just another person sputtering my-ology. Knowing what all He has brought me through, it would be a crime to suppose that anyone else could go through trials only depending on me or others rather than Him.

This morning, I was waiting on Him to speak and He reminded me of John 15. He is the vine. I am the branches. Apart from Him, I can do nothing. I want to walk where He would have me go, but unless I stay connected to Him, I know that my feet will wander into comfortable, emotional places that only lead to destruction, and at this point, I'm afraid that I would have others following right along with me. This is an extremely humbling place to be, and I am so thankful that He is using me. I'm asking for prayers, though. Satan really does not like it when His kingdom is growing and maturing. I suspect there will be some resistance along the way, and I am praying for steadfast hearts and sound minds.

Lose My Soul

2010-01-31T23:40:00.003-06:00

"Lord, forgive us when we get consumed by the things of this world, that fight for our love and our passion. As our eyes are open wide and on You, grant us the privilege of Your world view. And, may Your kingdom be what wakes us up and lays us down. I don't wanna gain the whole world, and lose my soul. Don't wanna walk away...." ~ Toby Mac

What about faith? What is it? How does it work? What does it look like? I was challenged with some of these questions tonight. I grew up with the facts. I was given Bible teaching and application. I memorized the right verses and applied them (in some cases) appropriately. I missed a lot, though. I grew up with the law, rules, stipulations. It has been a slow process for me, but over the last couple of years, I have learned about an experiential, relational faith that I had heard about but never lived until recently. I was reminded about all the promises that God has given me: He is with me to the very end of the age, He will never leave nor forsake me, He has plans for me, I was created by Him for His purpose, etc. What if I lived every day remembering these promises? What would I do if I lived as though He was with me every second of the day?

Pastor Mike relayed a story of when his daughter was burned and she had to go to the emergency room. The doctors said that they would have to scrape the burns in order for them to heal and it would be a painful process. When the procedure began, she cried out to her dad. Although he could not take the pain away, he never left her side. I think the general idea of that story was that she had faith (and trust) that her dad would not leave her. I forget that about God. If I am truly embracing every day and living it as though it were a gift given to me with a sole purpose, and remembering that He is right beside me strengthening me and building me, then, I would not do what I seem to waste my days doing. He is not going to bless me when my thoughts are a haven for fruitless gain, nor is He going to bless my selfish endeavors that seek to only please myself or the flesh. He wants something more from me and for me.

I have been convicted recently that I have been running away from some painful things because I really do not want to deal with them. Although I have asked Him to search my heart and reveal the things that are within me that are not pleasing to Him, now that He actually is, I'm tempted to pretend like I didn't hear or see it. I don't like confessing that I've run away, but He knows it anyway so it seems silly to try to hide it from Him or from myself any longer. I'm going to have to face the music eventually, whether it's here now or with Him later. I just don't want to be that child that walks in on the last day when He says, "Look at that storeroom full of all the treasures I had for you that you missed." I'm actually not motivated by the idea of a physical "treasure," but I am motivated by the thought that I may be letting Him down or disappointing Him. I'm also motivated by the fact that I don't want to miss out on something big. If my faith is in Him and I believe that He is with me, He promises that mountains will be moved. I want to be a part of that.

She Must and Shall Go Free

2010-01-27T20:34:00.002-06:00

"Peace of conscience, peace with God, be obtained by Jesus's blood. Jesus's blood speaks solid rest, we believe and we are blessed. All her debts are cast on me; she must and shall go free." ~ Derek Webb

After having a brief chat with new friends last night, I spent some time thinking more about what freedom in Christ is really all about. Each of us had a good idea of what dependence on Him is. We all agreed that brokenness is something that compels us to fall to our knees. We also agreed that the most effective apologetic that Christians can possess is not a "shiny, happy, nothing-bothers-me" personality, but someone who holds the ability to empathize along with the ability to love unconditionally. That was the part I have spent some extra time pondering.

It seems as though we are often encouraged to believe that once we have accepted Christ as our owner/CEO, life is supposed to get more palatable. In some ways, it should. Our hope, love, and joy should be found in Him - and He never fails. But, let's be honest. We rarely allow it to work that way. In our day-to-day lives, we unfortunately retreat into our comfort zones which are all too often ones that we have created without Him. One of the things we discussed last night was the general perception we (and we believe many unbelievers) have of Christians who appear to have it all together. It's not pretty. When someone is hurting and broken, the last thing they want to hear is, "Just give it to Jesus, and everything will be all better." (It's even more effective when that same person speaks in a very happy tone with a remarkable smile.) I remember Pastor Mike sharing in a sermon on the Psalms that exact same principle. They say misery loves company. My argument from last night was that the company that misery needs is not necessarily more misery, but it certainly isn't an obtuse, obnoxiously charming outlook.

As I've thought more about this, it seems to me that in addition to empathy, a calm spirit and a inner-confidence grounded in hope and peace is what is needed to help bridge the gap between unbelievers, hurting believers, and the Christian "elite." I am reminded of the time that Jesus went to visit Mary and Martha after the death of their brother, Lazarus. Jesus knew exactly what was going to take place - He mentions it a chapter or two prior to visiting the sisters. Yet, even though Jesus knew that Lazarus would be resurrected, He grieved with each of the women exactly as they needed. With Martha, He discussed details and the logistics of the arrangements (remember she was the sister that worked in the kitchen), and with Mary (the one who sat at His feet listening rather than working) it says that He wept. He didn't need to do that! He could have just said to her with a chuckling grin, "Hey, girl, trust Me! I've got this all figured out - there's no need to worry or weep!" But, He didn't. He cried with her and THEN He went and told her brother to get up. Jesus took the hurt and pain of each woman, loved them first, and met their needs even though He knew He was going to perform the miracle. He didn't minimize their hurt, nor did He tell them it would all get better.

Yes, I realize that He's Jesus, and we're not. We are certainly going to make mistakes and not always do the right thing when it comes to relationships. That's why I believe that this life is a marathon - not a sprint. We are not going to get by just flying through in short, sporadic races or relationships. We have to train, plan, and eventually execute a lengthy race. It's Him who will guide us, and Him who will show us where to walk if we will trust Him to do so. He's paid the price and His peace is our gift as well. Together we can break the chains that separate us from Him and from one another.

Never Be Ready

2010-01-25T15:55:00.006-06:00

"Love isn't borrowed, we aren't promised tomorrow. We'll never be ready if we keep waiting for the perfect time to come. Hold me steady; we'll never be ready. When we don't know, though we can't see, just walk on down this road with me." ~ Mat Kearney
(<<----If you click on Mat's name, you can hear his song!)

One of my most favorite literary characters is Bridget Jones. She's absolutely delectable, and unfortunately for both of us, we share a few too many characteristics. I saved this quote from her first book, "When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you've created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out, and in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love." I've been there - on the receiving end of rejection. There is no reason to even attempt using words to describe the awfulness of rejection. I've spent too many horrible days and nights contemplating the horribleness of it, and there will never, ever be a justification or excuse for it. It hurts, and it has the potential to detour the course of our lives and define us in ways we never imagined.

Yesterday, I was challenged to think upon relationships through the eyes of love and grace. As the body of Christ, we are called to love. We are called to view others the way Christ views them. We are to extend grace to others, just as we have received grace. We are not given an excuse to walk away from relationships. (I think it's important to note, again, that abusive relationships do not qualify. This is in reference to annoying relationships, apparently insignificant relationships, inconvenient relationships, etc.) After hearing these things, and evaluating myself and how I can better apply these principles, I started swimming in that pool of "poor me." I was very much made aware of the times that I have not been loved, shown grace, or forgiven. I was keenly aware of the times when I was "rejected," and I mourned the loss of those relationships again. What a mistake it would be for me, though, to dwell in that sadness and miss the blessing (lesson) that results.

Although I was quick to connect my previous pain with the lesson (a direct result of my pride issues...sigh), I took a step back. I realized that I have been guilty of withholding love, grace, and forgiveness from others. I even justified that withholding by using theological vocabulary that makes it sound legitimate. After spending some time reflecting on what was stirring in my heart, I asked Him to start bringing people to mind that I have offended by being un-Christlike. I don't look forward to this. My heart was rather burdened right away. Why do we hurt each other so easily? Why do we keep to ourselves the very gifts that we have been given for free? Why has the Church perverted His message so dysfunctionally? After all, this life is so temporary. We never know when it will be too late to make things right. Father, help us to be more like You; show us where to go and how to live. My our lives be an expression of the passion You stir in our hearts.

Yahweh

2010-01-20T16:08:00.001-06:00

"Our hope is God Almighty. His love is greater than all. Lift high the God of heaven. Give all the honor. We look to Yahweh. Our hope is Yahweh. And He shall reign forever." ~ Reuben Morgan

Haiti. Ice Storm. Finances. Old Relationships. New Relationships. Work. Family. Appointments. Travel. Commitments. Celebrations. Separations. Cancer. Numbers. Illness. Worry. Fear. Ambition. Pride. Prayer.

For most of my adult life, I have professed to be someone with tough skin, a cold heart, and a severe lack of compassion. I thought that's what it took to be independent, autonomous, successful. I had to be someone who was detached emotionally from the things around me, and I did a great job with it. I had walls so thick, China was calling for advice. It took some very painful discoveries and some very intense lessons for me to recognize the way He actually created me. I was never meant to be that way. I have always been very sensitive and emotional, but I was led to believe that those behaviors were weak and embarrassing so I learned how to mask them behind a stoic exterior. After time, I learned how to mask them behind a bubbly exterior which was the epitome of deception. As I was refined and He showed me that my heart had the capacity to love and care and feel, I slowly started tearing down at the barriers keeping me from all of those things. What remained was a fragile heart, but one that was connected to Him.

An ancient king, Solomon, had a proverb that said, "Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life." (Prov 4:23) I have not done a good job of taking his advice in this lifetime. I have repetitively made my heart a haven for things that are not pleasing to Him. I have also made my heart a resting place for so many things that His space has been cramped and at times, even eliminated. During this time of growing, I asked Him a huge favor. I asked Him if He would guard my heart for me because I was sure that I could not do it. He gave me a vision. He scooped me up in His left arm and held me close to His shoulder while He held a double-edged sword in His right hand (it was HUGE), keeping any potential violators at bay. I didn't take that to mean that He would keep everyone away from me, but instead, He would be my protector, my defender, my shield. He will be all those things for me, if I will stay close to Him, clinging tightly, for discernment until He brings that sword down.

Today, I was struggling to remember that He is watching out for me. I was spending too much time thinking about all the things listed above. Every single one has an element of stress involved. I was trying to carry it all on my own. My heart was hurting, my mind was messed up, and I was feeling extremely anxious and tense. I was doing what I do so often - I was focusing on me, on the past, on the things of this world. I forgot to cling to Him. Waking up in the middle of my sleep, clenching my teeth, and my inability to focus were taking their toll on me. When I finally took the time today to be still before Him, I was overwhelmed with peace. Not one of my circumstances changed, but my attitude about them did. Just like Peter, when I take my eyes off of Him, I will sink. When my focus is on Him, all the things of this world "grow strangely dim." I like it when He is real to me; it gives me hope to carry on.

Shadowfeet

2010-01-18T19:59:00.003-06:00

"When the world is falling out from under me, I'll be found in You still standing. When the sky rolls up and mountains fall to their knees, when time and space are through, I'll be found in You. With every fear and accusation under my feet..." ~ Brooke Fraser

I was standing in a crowd of people, completely engaged in worship. My heart was just spilling out praises and I was overcome with emotion. After a time, I opened my eyes to take in the beautiful scene of others reaching their hands and hearts outward and upward towards the King. It was then that I noticed He was looking at me. And for whatever reason, I felt completely naked - like I had forgotten my clothes. I was horrified, embarrassed, and ashamed. I realized in that split second that He could see right through me. He could see my heart, my motives, my intentions, my whole purpose. Instantly, I felt like that middle school girl who wore ponytails in odd places on my head and who owned too many shades of green clothing and never quite said or did the right thing. I was afraid that even though I thought I was worshipping with all of my heart, He could tell that I wasn't. It makes me think of how (as a first-born) I've struggled with the fate of Cain, Ishmael, Manasseh, etc. The first-born almost always misses true surrender and worship and as a result, also misses the blessing.

Instead of dwelling on this depressing fact and succombing to the peer pressure that my first-born Bible friends are dishing out, I decided to look a little closer. The only thing God is asking for is a humble and surrendered heart. He's not asking for perfection. And, of course, when I approach His throne, He is going to examine my heart. David requests that in Psalm 139. When He looks at me and examines me, it would only make sense that He's going to make clearer to me the murky places that I have ignored or avoided. Then, it is up to me how I want to handle that. I can get defiant, defensive, embarrassed, shamed, etc. and choose to run away or stomp away. OR, I can accept my butt-whoopin' and embrace it, and do something to change it. As I was thinking through all of this tonight, I felt entirely wiped out. I sat at the piano and he brought Brooke Fraser's song, Shadowfeet, to mind. It was exactly what I needed to hear. "With every fear and accusation under my feet...I'll be found in You." Even if I am super ugly with wicked ponytails, my heart can still be found in Him.

It's A Good Day

2010-01-16T22:56:00.001-06:00

"Circumstance and situations change; you know life can turn on a dime. But there's a constant hope and peace that I have come to find, and it's all because of who God is - that He's alive, and I am His!" ~ FFH

I believe that He has brought me out of a "pit." I've heard it said that time heals all wounds, and when you're in the middle of it - all that pain and heartache - you think that the people who are attempting to encourage you with words are all a bunch of mean-spirited crazy people. "Why would anyone tell me that it will get better? It can't and it won't!" But, they're right, and it does. And believe it or not, this is where I realize that I have the biggest battle I've ever fought ready to begin. When I am broken, when I've been humbled, I instinctively go to Him. When the sun starts to shine, I get this false sense of self-sufficiency and fail to maintain the level of intimacy that we shared during the hard times. I'm stuck. I really don't want to ask Him to break my heart again, but I do long for that intimacy again. As much as I hated the circumstances surrounding me at the time, I miss clinging to Him for dear life. I miss relying on Him to get me through the day. I miss weeping in desperation and knowing that His presence was with me. I miss seeing Him in the small details of my life. All these experiences have not disappeared because He has changed, but instead, I have changed. Whether it is confidence, pride, independence, whatever, I have slowly filled in my time that I used to use for communicating with Him with things to do for myself because "I deserve it." I've enjoyed way too many late nights watching movies, talking with friends, traveling, etc., so that by the time my head hits the pillow, I justify my weariness, convince myself that He understands, and promise to check in with Him in the morning. Augh! That is SOO frustrating!

Awhile ago I decided that I wasn't going to pursue any dating relationships. First of all, my heart's a mess and who wants to deal with that? Exactly. But, more than anything, I did not want to mix the emotions and feelings of a new relationship with the relationship that I was rebuilding with Him. I've done that so many times in the past, and I know I'm not the only one. Think about all the camp relationships out there. "I really felt the Spirit move at the bonfire last night." = "Wow, my heart was really beating quickly when Mark looked at me during the bonfire last night." Or what about college? We can all identify those seeking their MR/S. degrees. "Jesus led me to this college because I believe that I will meet my future spouse there." I'm not saying that it always works out that way, it's just the way I personally handled it. Sigh. Maybe I've made enough mistakes that I didn't want to take another gamble, but I've done it anyway. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that even though I'm not pursuing a dating relationship, I've filled that "void" with other things to the exclusion of Him. So, I'm still guilty. He's still calling out to me, wanting and desiring that intimate relationship. I guess I'm feeling convicted to turn the music off, shut the computer down, and stop making excuses. It's humbling and inspiring to know that He's right there waiting.

The Innocent's Corner

2010-01-14T21:00:00.000-06:00

"Ours is a land with a terrible shortage of harvests to share and breathable air. And a reason to live may be too hard to find like a wage or a dime, but we sit here debating the meaning of justice with self-righteous spin and an upper caste grin. We're still suffocating on quicksand indifference, but no choice is ever that hard. So she fell to her knees as she cried. In the innocent's corner she'll hide. You came around and lifted her up with the angels beside." ~ Caedmon's Call

I have a strong desire to be candid tonight. I am really struggling internally over the dichotomy of this world and the place where faith resides. I live in a place where countries are destroyed by earthquakes, where communities are eliminated by tornadoes, where 29-year olds have strokes, where otherwise healthy and beautiful people are succombing to the indiscriminate disease of cancer, where husbands leave their wives, and families are squished into lives that are not healthy or holy simply for the sake of survival. With all the horrifying images of the damage in Haiti and the more personal, less advertized tragedies that affect my heart, I am simply left wondering how can we find peace and hope? How does His message of hope reach the lost, the broken, the hurting? How will we know that even if the message is delivered that it will be received?

I will never for one second believe that I have any authority on this subject. About the only thing that I think I can contribute is my recent "desert," where I was truly at the end of my rope. I read today that a young man buried under the rubble in Haiti was discovered and prior to reaching him they asked him if there was anything he needed or wanted. His response? He wanted a gun so that he could join the rest of his family. That...that right there...that's what I'm talking about! Right now, he has no hope, no peace. Although I did not reach that extreme point in my life, I do know what it's like to ask the question, "What's the point?" Everything that held value in my heart had crumbled, and I didn't see any purpose anymore. I knew all the scriptures because I grew up with them. Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for a hope and a future," was about as effective for me as when someone asked me if they could pour rubbing alcohol over my open sore and then scrub it with some salt. When you are in the middle of the darkness, when pain and grief are your only companions, nothing can soothe. Those are the times that we are tested. We can either turn to Him or turn away. I guess that's why my heart is so grieved right now. Will the people of Haiti be given a chance? Will they turn to Him? What about all the other people, the Church, with their broken spirits and hearts? Will they turn to Him? Who will hear their cries and answer? Who will meet the felt needs? This time is real - it's calling. We really are not given an option. If there was ever a time in our life when we realized that we only had Him, we know how desperately someone else is in need of Him as well. We cannot sit back and be passive, basking in the glory of His forgiveness solely for ourselves! We are moved to share it with others. His children are hurting, and we are His hands and feet. We have the gift of hope and peace through Him - and somebody needs to hear it, see it, know it, believe it.

I am praying tonight for the Spirit to rise within the church, to overwhelm an entire people with visions of Him. I am praying that we are not a complacent body, but a motivated body. There is no time limit - the poor and broken will always be around us, but their time is now. They need us now. They need Him now. Jesus, make a way to healing through all this hurt. Jesus, cleanse the hands of those who serve that they may worship You in truth and purity. Let Your light shine through us before all men - that they may see our good works and praise You, Father. Amen.

Take To The World

2010-01-13T22:45:00.000-06:00

"Go in peace to love and to serve. Let your ears ring long with what you have heard. May the bread on your tongue, leave a trail of crumbs to lead the hungry back to the place you are from. Take to the world this love, this hope, and faith. Take to the world this rare, relentless grace. And like the Three-in-One, know you must become what you want to save. Cause that's still the way He takes to the world. Go and go far. Take light deep in the dark. Believe what's true. He uses all, even you." ~ Derek Webb

Haiti.

My only thoughts are of a country riddled with witchcraft and voodoo, practices in the occult and darkness. A people faced with poverty and famine. They are not immune to tragedy or death. It knocks at the door everyday in this third world country. But, now they stand united in disbelief and shock. The images are too gruesome and they make me extremely uncomfortable. A nation that has not embraced Him is crying out tonight, and who will answer? I am praying that we are compelled and moved to act with our entire beings, not just our lips. There is no better time to show love to a person than when everyone else that they ever loved is gone. There is no better time to share hope than when everything that they held dear is gone. There is no better time to share faith than when nothing makes sense anymore. I just heard it said tonight that when the darkness is overwhelming and getting darker, it gives those with dimmer lights a chance to shine. Even if you think you have nothing to offer, there is a light (John 1:5, "The light is in the darkness, but the darkness can never extinguish it.") that outshines. He can use me and He can use you! Pray, pray, pray without ceasing and ask Him to illuminate the path that He would have you take to rescue His children in Haiti that need Him so desperately right now.

Beautiful Disaster

2010-01-12T13:06:00.004-06:00

"She never stays the same for long, assuming that she'll get it wrong. Perfect only in her imperfection. She would change everything for happy-ever-after. Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster. She just needs someone to take her home." ~ Jon McLaughlin

In reflecting on this weekend's sermon and scripture reference (Romans 12:9-21), I have attempted some sort of application. We were encouraged to stop playing games with our relationships, and instead do what Paul instructs, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Basically, we were instructed to take the higher road. I had a particular situation that came to mind - a relationship that has left me with some pretty strong feelings about the other person with no means of spilling them out.

First, Pastor Mike talked about the destruction of gossip. I would have easily and honestly said that I have not gossiped about this person. I have not shared my feelings or general opinion of her with others, but I have talked about her anonymously and what she has done to offend me and how those actions made me feel in some sort of self-therapeutic venting. I have even gone so far as to refuse to call her by name (maybe in some pathetic attempt at discretion...yeah, right), but gave her a nickname that refers to a rodent or pest. Okay, that part wasn't very nice of me. Essentially, I have gossiped. If I said something about a "bug" to one of my friends, they would know exactly to whom I was referring. Score: Immaturity 1, Maturity 0.

I was feeling convicted about my behavior prior to the sermon, so I think my heart was preparing for what more I needed to learn. In sincerity, I have taken steps to remedy my bad attitude. Over the past few months, I have often repeated to myself that this individual is also a daughter of the King. That she was created and designed by Him. She is loved and adored by the One who also loves and adores me. We are sisters (in a non-biological sense), and if what she says about her faith is true, then we are probably going to be spending the rest of eternity together (oh, yeah...think about that for awhile). My harbored feelings of resentment and bitterness have been fruitless and toxic, so I have internally made an attempt to view this person as Christ does. Somedays I have pity and compassion. Other days, I struggle with my human response of wanting her to know how much she has hurt me, thinking that if she knew, then she would change or at the very least apologize for what she has done. If she didn't do that, then at least I would have known that I made an attempt to make things right. But, that's not what I have been called to do. That's where I really start fighting a battle. When I realize that this battle can only be fought on my knees, then things seem to get better. When I surrender control of this relationship to Him and settle things at the extreme (meaning that I believe that even if this person lived in the house across the street from me and flaunted her life in my face and taunted me daily, Jesus would be enough for me and I would not live in jealousy and torment but in His love and mercy), I come out stronger and more able to love. That doesn't mean that I don't still feel a twang of emotion when I am reminded of her or the effects of her actions. As I've said before, pain just hurts until it doesn't anymore. I just choose not to dwell in that pain anymore - I can be free from that because of Him. There is so much more in life that I want to experience - and it has something to do with being released from chains and living life freely and abundantly!

The Church

2010-01-11T21:15:00.003-06:00

"Cause I haven't come for only you, but for my people to pursue. You cannot care for Me, with no regard for her. If you love Me, you will love the church." ~ Derek Webb

I grew up in the "church." I had a strong evangelical upbringing that emphasized the importance of living a "Christ-like" life, not compromising an established value system (I remember chanting with a group of fellow high schoolers Romans 16:19, "Be excellent at what is good, be innocent of evil!"), and avoiding any circumstance that would place me in a tempting situation. As a teenager, I walked a staunch high moral ground, to the demise of many relationships. Although I was never prompted to think that I was better than others, I actually did just that. I placed myself on the throne of self-righteousness and looked down on others who made, what I deemed to be, "poor" decisions. I was a brat, and perfectly content being one. I had totally, utterly, completely missed it. I went off to college, got married, had babies and still pretty much didn't get it.

Then, that fateful moment arrived: I sinned. Oh, yeah. I couldn't believe it either! I made a conscious decision to sin. Prior to that, I had never sinned. Well, of course I sinned, because "we have all sinned." But, I had never done anything that "bad." (See how messed up and delusional self-righteousness makes a person?) In my mind, I had done the unforgivable by sinning on purpose (as if all other sin in my life just happened by accident...seriously!?), and so rather than face His rejection of me, I walked away all on my own. My pride had me going so well, I was convinced that I could face my entire world shattering, exploding, and crumbling all around me all on my own. To make a long story short, I couldn't do a single thing on my own save for tossing the rotten salad that was my life. I came to a point where I was completely broken. I do not intend to romanticize the brokenness by making it appear like a small rut that I went through that eventually led me to the present where I'm leaping through fields of clover into the arms of my beloved. (Which is still an aspiration, not a reality at this point.) The brokenness in me was painful and mortifying. I could not eat and when I forced myself to eat, it held no value because I lost it immediately. I could not sleep. Moving hurt. Opening and closing my eyes hurt. I lost weight and gained years in appearance and health. I finally came to the end - that point where I would have done anything to not be where I was anymore.

I've heard it said that hindsight is 20/20. After an authentic surrender and walking into this season of refining, I have reflected on my behaviors and attitudes over the years. At this point I do not want to miss what He is teaching me. Let's just face it, I'm officially tired of proving how desperately I need to learn by falling on my face over and over and over again. He brought me out of my self-induced pit. So, how does all of this have anything to do with the church? Well, yesterday I had a short yet spirit-filled chat with a friend who said something quite profound. He said, "The church is full of broken people and it is Christ that binds us together." When he said that, my heart wept (my eyes did, too, actually). The church is full of broken people. We are the ones He came after. We are the ones that He sought. We are the ones He loved so much, He did not want to leave us where our own powers would take us. He came to rescue and dwell among the brokenhearted. We are His church, His bride. I understand that every person's testimony is different. I understand that some do not have skulls quite as thick as mine, and the events or choices that lead them to surrender are far less dramatic than mine. But I believe with my whole heart, that until we are truly broken and until our hearts have felt the gravity of sin and the separation and death that it causes, we can never fully appreciate the goodness and grace of our Savior, nor can we embrace the gift of forgiveness so strongly that we want to share it with others (His church, His bride) and then follow through with His commission to love Him, love others, and tell the world of these two things. I think the church is full of broken people looking for hope...and we don't have to look very far to search for more.

Did You Feel The Mountains Tremble?

2010-01-08T10:46:00.010-06:00

"And we can see that God, You're moving. A mighty river through the nations. And young and old will turn to Jesus. Fling wide Your heavenly gates! Prepare the way of the risen Lord!" ~ Delirious?

Oh, boy...He has totally changed the direction of this blog entry in one fell swoop! I was planning to share something that I was processing after reading the account of Noah during my chronological Bible reading last night (thus, I was going to use "Flood" by Jars of Clay), and then connect that to the fact that I've been snowed in my house for the last two days and how God uses periods of waiting and solitude. But, instead, I caught a glimpse of something shiny this morning, and chased it down and tackled it! This is the result:

When I was a freshman in high school, my English teacher had us complete a project that had us come up with answers to questions that basically mapped out our life: Would I graduate from high school? Would I go to college and where? Would I get married, have kids? What kind of car would I drive or home would I live in? At the time, Jars of Clay was the "it" band for Contemporary Christian Music (CCM), and everyone was talking about them, including mainstream radio. I was enamored! They were pretty much the only band that this (at the time) CCM junkie could talk to her friends at school about and manage to sound cool. I also had a subscription to CCM magazine, and while working on this project for English, I saw an advertisement for Greenville College, "home of Jars of Clay" and their CCM degree. I still remember the advert - all black with white lettering and a metronome. My inner Amy Grant wanted a piece of that! When I presented my "future life" to my classmates, aside from the fact that I was going to drive a black Fiero and live in a mansion made of cedar somewhere along a beach, Greenville College was the place for me! Go Panthers!

Jump ahead a couple of years, and I really had to make some decisions about where I was going to go to college. I applied at several, but was invited to a scholarship competition at GC. My mom and I coupled that trip with a visit to other colleges, and by some weird default, I managed to get a huge scholarship that made it less expensive to attend GC than if I had attended a state school at home. Yay for financial aid! So in August (many years ago), my family packed me up and dropped me off in a "small" town in Illinois (I say "small" because the town of 5000 was about five times bigger than my "small" town back home). The relationships I had there have been life-changing. I love my GC friends, and because of the beauty of the internet and the wonder of facebook, I appreciate them more every day. (Contented sigh...) Thank you Jars of Clay for influencing my decision on what college to attend and making a difference in my life.

Fast forward to present day, and again, Jars of Clay is influencing me in mighty ways. I've shared before my desires to "go preach the good news." I've talked about my friend, Scott England, who coins the term "musicianary," and how I would like God to use me in that way. I have the link on my side column to the organization that JoC started, Blood: water mission, that works to bring clean water to devastated areas infected with AIDS and famine. I just watched their video, Two Hands, and saw again, that the boys of JoC are getting it. Their lives and their ministry are faith with skin on. The desire that rises up within me to get involved goes beyond just thinking that it's a great idea and consequently feeling that inner-sigh that makes you think, "ahhh, how sweet." That desire to be there (wherever "there" is) is real. It's knowing that it's freaking hot in these places and that it is miserable and I will be thirsty, moody, irritable. It's knowing that the general population is going to stink and not because they put too much perfume on. It's knowing that I'm white and American and probably not trusted. It's knowing that I will be physically challenged, emotionally drained, and yet somehow possess the greatest joy possible. It's knowing that laboring for the Lord, is really not labor at all. It is making a difference in someone's life, it's increasing His kingdom for His glory, it's sharing a gift that has been given to me, it is the overflow of His goodness spilling out, it's Him. Can you tell I'm excited!? Bring it on!

Stand

2010-01-06T18:01:00.004-06:00

"I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all. I'll stand; my soul, Lord, to You surrendered. All I am is Yours." ~ Hillsong United

I have stubbed my toes several times over the years, and I'm always fascinated by my response. It hurts like hell, but I know that screaming and crying like every impulse in my body wants to won't actually make the pain go away, so I bite my lower lip and make a gargling squealing sound while tears fall down my cheeks and I think of every colorful word in the English language (and some German and Spanish) that I would shout if I wasn't biting my lip so tightly. Today, I had an emotional smashed toe. This was a case where a situation that I thought was under control jumped up out of nowhere and became a heavy obstacle in my barefooted path and all I wanted to do was either run away, hide, or fall on the floor kicking, screaming, punching, crying, and slobbering in an uncomely adult tantrum. Just like when I stub my toe, my body had a response that needed to come out, but I knew that no matter what I did, reality would not change. My heart would still hurt, and the pain would need time to heal.

It wasn't long ago, that I lived in that pain. I let it wash over me and hold me tightly in its comfort. It dominated my thoughts, feelings, relationships, etc. I am not entirely free from its grasp yet, but today as I wrestled with the pain in a fierce one-on-one, I held it down for a strong two-count. I humbly went to Him with my tears and just boldly talked about the hurt and babbled the mantra that I've been using to get me re-focused at times like this: "God, You are in control. If the life I wanted is not for me, then that means You have something better. You are going to bless me greatly and beyond measure. I trust You to provide." Sometimes I forget to mention that the Spirit is also the Comforter. As I look back to even just a few months ago, I realize that moments like the one I had today used to paralyze me, cripple me, practically debilitate me. Today, I cried (which I think I should mention that up until a little over a year ago, I did not do...I stuffed) and then quickly grasped His reality by the peace of the Holy Spirit. I think the rest of the night will be spent processing the issues in my heart that have popped up. I am so blessed that He is bringing to light all of the parts of me that He wants to refine. I am so ashamed of the things that I have done that cause this pain, but am thankful that they are what bring me to my knees and His grace. I simply stand in awe of what He is doing inside me - how my cup is filling so rapidly. I am praying for a visible overflow!

Beauty for Ashes

2010-01-05T23:27:00.005-06:00

"He gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, peace for despair." ~ Crystal Lewis

I have been talking a lot about claiming Isaiah 61:1-4 for this year, and declaring the "year of the Lord's favor." Tonight I was sharing that with a new friend and afterwards, I did what my busy mind does best: I mulled over everything said and started asking some questions. I stand firm in my belief that God is going to bless this year abundantly! Up until tonight, I believed that He would provide me with full-time employment, possibly restore my heart in love, and open doors for ministry. I certainly still believe that all of those things are possible and may very well come to fruition, but after tonight, I realize that those may not be the things that He chooses to show His favor upon this year.

Am I ready to accept that I may not have full-time employment in 2010? Honestly, heck no! Am I willing to accept that I may stay single for the rest of my life? For now, yes, but I'm pretty sure that someday I may want to have a relationship with a man again...maybe. Am I okay with the idea that the only ministry He has planned for me is in the small town I currently call home? Again, for now, yes, but my heart desperately wants to reach beyond the borders of my home and into the hearts of others. Tonight, I asked myself these questions with the understanding that God may very well answer my prayers in ways that do not make sense to me. Then, it occurred to me that this year, 2010, may very well be the "year of the Lord's favor," but maybe I won't experience it firsthand, but instead observe Him working and moving in the lives and ministries of others. For a very brief moment, I felt a pang of sadness....pout, pout, pout. Then, my heart was truly filled with joy! I really do believe that this year will be a great year. Even if I only get to see Him working in the lives of others, how blessed I am that I can witness the Creator moving, alive and well! What a testament that will be!

As I was trying to develop a healthy sense of His divine control, I realized He was asking me a question tonight, too. After wiggling my mind around all of the "what if's" and "yeah, ok's" and "sighs," He point blank asked me, "Do you trust Me?" Ugh, ugh, ugh! I feel like the kid who got caught putting a tack on the teacher's chair. Guilty. I had to answer honestly (because at this point trying to hide the truth from Him or myself is pretty much pointless, fruitless, and a serious waste of life-time), "Nope. No, I don't trust You, but now that I realize that my lack of trust in You is what is keeping me from finding the joy in every circumstance regardless of the outcome, I am going to daily remind myself to trust You a little more each day." Somedays I get it. I realize that He is in control, and that without Him my life is a mess. And, even when I don't understand His ways or His timing, He does know what's best. Other days, I get caught up in "me-drama," and I miss that He is in control and I go about making myself captain. Once again, I am in awe of a God who loves me enough to take the time to continually refine me into the person He designed. Twila Paris had a song from a long, long, loooong time ago that went something like this: "You can see my heart, You can read my mind, and You've got to know I would rather die than to lose my faith in the One I love, but do I trust You, Lord?" I need to ask myself this daily as I strive to be more trusting of the One who has never let me down.

This Woman's Work

2010-01-04T22:27:00.001-06:00

"Pray God you can cope. I stand outside this woman's work, this woman's world...now starts the craft of the Father. I know you have a little life in you yet; I know you've gotta lot of strength left." ~ Kate Bush

I am in total disarray. The new year arrived, and I was completely prepared to say "sayonara" to 2009 and gently slide into 2010 without batting an eyelash. Instead, my eyes are twitching and my eyelashes look like they're having seizures. hmpf. Not too long ago I listened to a multi-part series by Andy Stanley about destinations. I realized as I was listening to those sermons that I have done a horrible job in the last ten years of my life pointing myself in a direction that would lead me to a desirable destination. Truthfully, I can't imagine any 22-year old thinking, "Well, in ten years, I'd like to be a divorced, unemployed, single mom who has bad skin, crooked teeth, and an increasing frequency of wrinkly lines growing on her face that are confirming the fact that a) I'm always intensely focused or b) looking more like my mother." Nope. Any 22-year old, smart or not, would not aspire to my current situation. But, alas, here I am, and I have to say that I am encouraged by my current situation because I believe with my whole heart that the best is yet to come!

This morning, in my sleepy stupor, as I was resting my head and eyes, I reached for my Bible and asked God to just give me one verse to think on today. I flipped around refusing to read anything until I got an answer from Him (mainly, I was just still trying to sleep...I figured if He really had a verse for me, He'd wake me up with it). I Corinthians 3:10 was the unmistakable answer. I have been directed to this book more than any other lately. Apparently, there's some good stuff in there! "Because of God's grace to me, I have laid the foundation like an expert builder. Now others are building on it. But whoever is building on this foundation must be very careful." The first thing I noticed was "because of God's grace to me..." I just feel like I've bathed in His grace this past year, and that has been a blessing that I am compelled to share. I think "grace" is the word I will use to describe 2009. Next, I continued on in chapter 3, and realized that Paul is talking about how important our work for Him is, and how our work will be refined in the fire of heaven and if it is work of value, then the builder will receive a reward, but if it is not of value, the work will be burned up. I felt strongly convicted about the multiple ministries I have been involved in over the years as well as the numerous things I have done on my own. I had to ask myself how much value does the work I have done have? What about what I am currently doing? What direction is my life headed - am I pointed in a direction that will keep me on a path that produces valuable work for His kingdom? I can't imagine a more devastating or frustrating experience than to "slave" and "labor" on earth only to realize that it was all in vain. The only way for me to avoid that awful ending would be to consult Him along the way - He will show me where to go; He will open the doors to ministry; He will use me for His purpose - if I allow Him to lead.

I love how He is working in my heart. I love what He is teaching me. Even though I would have said many times before this was all stuff I already knew, something is different now. I am no longer doing it because I think I have to in order to "do the right thing" or to please others, I'm doing it because I want to, because I love Him. To prove how far I have yet to go in applying all of this, I am planning to run a marathon this year. I have my training schedule all mapped out as well as diet and nutritional needs determined. So, my response was that I just sat on my couch for most of the evening eating decadent pieces of cake mixed with frosting, rolled into balls, and then dipped in white chocolate. Tsk, tsk, tsk. But, again, every morning is new....a good day to begin again! (Thank goodness I did not make any resolutions this year!)

Into The Day

2010-01-03T23:20:00.000-06:00

"Time will let the story told, grow and grow until it unfolds in a way that even you cannot ignore. You can say the seasons change, but never if you just remain in a place where the freeze is at your door. What you don't know is the signs are right for the turning tide." ~ Bebo Norman

I have been in a bit of a crisis the past couple days. Not an emergency crisis, just a "my-head-is-spinning-with-all-the-things-that-decide-to-fly-around-in-there" crisis. Things have been out of whack, and my quiet time has been anything but quiet. I had been tossing around ideas for the blog and just wasn't "feeling" it. I was reading different parts of scripture and wasn't "feeling" that either. I was tired. I was stressed. And, I totally resorted to my first line of defense: insanity. I really don't like this about me, and I realize that this is something that He is making very clear that I need to change. Why do I still do what I don't want to do when I know what I should do!? Sigh. If that question didn't really make any sense, then what I'm trying to say is that when chaos ensues, my first line of defense should be prayer - not my human response of casually freaking out.

In the last seven days, I have travelled three states, shopped and prayed in all, visited friends and family, celebrated Christmas and New Years, and froze several parts of my body. This is how my brain translates that physical "busyness": I have just put a massive amount of miles on my car. I need to schedule an oil change. My car looks like it's been through a sheet of mud, gravel, salt, and some bluish-greenish wind-shield wiper fluid. I need to get my car washed, but probably not anytime soon as washing it will result in doors frozen shut because currently the temperatures where I live are hovering around 0 degrees, which is actually a lie because 0 degrees would be balmy compared to what my current online thermometer reads, forget the wind chill factor. The inside of my car also looks like it hit a sheet of kids meals (yes, I order only kids meals for myself because they don't over feed me and I usually get a toy, too), vitamin water bottles, straw wrappers, cd's, and bobby pins for my hair that generally come out while I'm driving because in my opinion, rear-view mirrors give a fairly accurate account of how atrocious my chosen style for the day really is and when traffic is only going 35 mph due to the "road conditions," I think that fixing my hair in the car keeps me occupied and feeling like I'm multi-tasking. I also got some great after-Christmas sale deals and am feeling quite blessed...I can't believe I just spent money! What was I thinking!? Ah, but I'm hoping that I'll get that job interview this week, then I can get that job that I want, and then I can go shopping for pants that fit me without feeling guilty, and I won't have to worry about what I'm going to do for employment this summer when school is out of session! (Dear, Jesus, please open the doors for full-time employment soon!) It was so great to see friends and family and celebrate the holidays - I am truly blessed. Unfortunately, I really missed my piano and my quiet time. I wonder how I can learn to have quiet time when I'm surrounded by people most of the time....will have to add that to my list of things to ponder and solve asap. Note: must also purchase more boots, gloves, hats, scarves, long underwear, and if they make them, nostril warmers and eyeball warmers because travelling in the mid-west in the mid-winter is practically insane without any of those things.

With all of that swirling around in my head (which actually only takes about seven seconds to accomplish all of those thoughts), it's no wonder I wasn't able to "feel" connected to Him. I essentially crammed Him right out. I am feeling embarrassed by it now, but realize that this will happen again - especially if I don't acknowledge it and address my behavior. I was thinking earlier that I have the wonderful excuse of this being a new year, so what a great time for a new beginning. It was actually an excuse to justify my trying again. But, the truth is that every day is a chance for something new. Every dawn brings an opportunity for something new. His mercies are new every morning. So, I just need to remember that despite my very human reaction to "stuff," every day that I am learning from Him, I am one step closer to the way He wants me to be. I feel very encouraged by that.

Auld Lang Syne

2009-12-31T18:40:00.002-06:00

"Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot and auld lang syne. For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne. We'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne." ~ Robert Burns (poet)

I finally took the time to research what in the world this song's lyrics mean and discovered "auld lang syne" is an old Scottish term for "old long ago." The song asks a poignant question, "Should old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind?". My inclination is to believe that it is impossible to do so - atleast it is for me, although in some cases I am pondering the value of doing so. I am painfully familiar with others who are quite capable of dismissing another and moving forward. I suppose I envy that quality a bit, but not enough to want to change who I am.

I remember a conversation I had with a beautiful friend over a year ago. I was sharing with her my hopes that another person would work towards their potential. I told her that despite repeated disappointments and being lied to, I desperately wanted to believe the other person even though every opportunity for redemption appeared destroyed. I was expressing my embarrassment at my naive foolishness and abuse of healthy loyalty. Instead of giving me the response I expected, "You really need to knock that off - use your head!," she looked at me quite lovingly and said, "That's Jesus in you." What!?! It had never occurred to me that the one quality about me that any person with a backbone would describe as co-dependent or weak would be a quality that would make me like Him. She went on to say that my desire to see the good in others, to believe that they can be better, to want them to be better is Christ-like. That was a very humbling moment for me. That concept had never crossed my mind and I really needed time to soak it in and think about it.

Time has certainly passed since that interaction, and again, I have embraced relationships that have had similar outcomes. As frustrated as I have been by my unrelenting loyalty, I do believe that God has taught me a lot about myself and the way He has created me. I am reminded that He is the potter gently shaping and molding me into a vessel to be used by Him, and my personality is all part of that. With that all said, I do not think that old acquaintances should be forgotten. The person I am today is the direct result of the refining changes that have occurred over the years through relationships and faith. Yes, 2009 was rough, but like Paul said in Philippians 3, I can forget what is in the past (all the pain and hurt), and I can look forward to what is in the future. In Jeremiah, I am reminded that He has plans to prosper and not to harm me. As the new year starts, I am claiming Isaiah 61:1-4, "The year of the Lord's favor." I am anxious to put the past in its place and am really looking forward to this new season! The view looks mighty fine from here. Welcome, 2010!

Scarlet

2009-12-30T23:37:00.001-06:00

"Your mind is swollen from months of thought without release. They've taken their toll on you. This very moment of timid and fragile honesty is precious and rare and fleeting. And all you feel now is the scarlet in your day. Even if it's real, you can't stay, so there you go - you're gone for good." ~ Brooke Fraser

I have roughly 24 hours left in this year of 2009. I am almost completely overwhelmed as I reflect on the year, and to be honest I can hardly breathe when I am reminded of certain parts. I wasn't able to do a cummulative Christmas letter this year highlighting all the fun adventures and happy memories, nor did I want to take the time to notice that the smile plastered on my face in several photos was actually just pretend. I've done an intense self-analysis this year, and it's official: 2009 was for the birds. Or was it?

It is quite painful to reflect on this year. Although, as I look back, I am able to see that His hand has held mine through it all. I won't lie, though. Going through these hard times has been extremely disagreeable. I cannot recall a year that I have ever been so thankful to see go away. With the new year approaching, even though the transition from one day to the next is no different than any other day, I feel like I have the opportunity to close the door on that hurt and pain and claim a new beginning - a new start. I have been promised in Romans 8:28 that He works all things together for the good of those that love Him. I know that He has my best interest at heart and that He will continue to guide me in the way I should go. Having traveled several months of this painful season with Him, I am better able to see how He has lovingly used the circumstances that broke me to build me. So, in some respects, this year has been a blessing. Even though I was broken and devastated, I fell from my face to my knees. I stopped talking about a faith that I knew so much about and began clinging to it with every fiber of my being, knowing that it was/is the lifeline that keeps me going. He has brought a great deal of healing to my heart. Not everything has worked out like I had hoped nor has every prayer been answered, but I have been assured that He is in control.

So, to 2009, I say that you were the year that changed my life. I hate you for it. I respect you for it. I refuse to smile at you, but I admire you. I suspect that one day I will be thankful for you, but for now, I would like to lay you to rest. There you go, 2009, you're soon to be gone for good.

The Prodigal

2009-12-29T23:40:00.003-06:00

"I'll be waiting. I may be young or old and gray, counting the days. But I'll be waiting, and when I finally see you come, I'll run when I see you, I'll meet you. And even if you never do return, still I will have learned how to love you better." ~ Amy Grant

When I first re-heard the story of the prodigal son in Luke, it penetrated my heart in a way like it never had before. At the time, I was going through a seriously difficult time emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, etc. I was a mess, to put it politely. I was experiencing broken relationships. Not only was I going through a divorce, but my "circle" had essentially dissipated as well. I know that divorce makes everyone uncomfortable. Heck, I was uncomfortable! But, so many friends didn't know what to do and were afraid to make the mistake of appearing to take sides, or getting too involved, or not getting involved enough. My family didn't really react any differently. Needless to say, it was a pretty isolating experience. Up to that point, I held tightly to the opinions that others had of me, so I was taking it pretty hard. At the time, my "circle" was all church-folk. Although my belief in God never faltered, my faith in Him and His people blew around like a seedling in a hurricane. I never doubted His existence, nor His power. I just strongly doubted whether or not He could or would love me. I had taken the people that were around me at the time, believed they were examples of Christ, and then made the horrible assumption that He would have treated me the same way - with questioning confusion, demanding disappointment, and ultimately, relational rejection. Rather than face that rejection, I chose to put my walking boots on and boot-scoot my way out of His gaze, and theirs, too. (I think it's important to note that I do not blame anyone for the circumstances that took place - they were what they were. I also do not want to negate the fact that there were several people who went out of their way to be loving and supportive. I do believe that everyone around me acted the best way they knew how, and overall, I believe that it was all a part of a greater plan.)

Getting back to the prodigal son story... Despite feeling the way I felt, and having a hardened heart, there was this part of me that really wanted to know that God still loved me. I started attending a different church that really gets the idea of grace, which for me and my legalistic background was revolutionary! I was attending a weekly study, focusing on the issues of the heart. I learned so much and soaked everything up like a sponge, but my heart wasn't really convinced yet that He loved me. It wasn't until I listened to a message about pride that I finally started to get it. Apparently, Satan uses pride to convince me that I'm not good enough, that I'll never be good enough, and that it's pointless to even try. Pride attacks me because it gets me thinking only about myself - me, me, me. Poo! When I finally realized what was keeping me from believing that I was "worthy" of His love and attention, I was able to do something about it. It required surrender - almost like the son who rushed back to his father saying "I'm not worthy to be your son....let me be a hired hand." That was exactly how I felt. I wanted to be used, but didn't feel qualified or capable anymore. I was also sure that if I actually tried to communicate with Him, He would just yell at me, or tell me what a screw-up I was, or tell me I had to meet certain criteria before He would acknowledge me, or worse - He would just ignore me. It was getting exhausting trying to think of all the ways He would prove to me how little He cared for me or loved me, and it was equally as exhausting trying to avoid dealing with it.

I remember when I finally gave it all to Him. I was pretty much at the end of my rope. I think my prayer was something to the effect of, "Well, I've done a fine job of screwing up this life, so I don't see any reason why You shouldn't be in control now. I'm pretty much incapable of making anything redeemable of it, so here You go...it's all Yours!" Despite my bad attitude, I was repentant. I truly was sorry for the things that I had done or not done that had caused Him grief or pain. I am a visual learner, and I recall during my prayer imagining myself placing a rotten, black, gooey, blackened tar-looking heart at His feet and then scurrying away as if peeking from around a corner to catch a glimpse of what He was going to do with that mess. What I still find incredible to this day is that He just sat there looking at me, waiting for me to return His gaze. His eyes were full of tears and love and He welcomed me with open arms. My body was in desperate need of a hug, and that's exactly what I got. That was the beginning of a relationship that has continued to progress and develop. When we chat now, I can sit in His lap, rest my head on His shoulder, or walk beside Him. It's cozy that way.

Ancient Words

2009-12-28T23:32:00.001-06:00

"By His blood, we can enter into the blessing of Abraham. So, place Your right hand upon our heads, and speak the ancient words over us, Lord. Cover us with ancient words, words that bless and break the curses of our fathers. Cover us with ancient words, heal the wounds that have lasted generations." ~ John Waller

Am I the only person that has ever said something and walked away thinking, "That may have been one of the stupidest things that has ever come out of my mouth and I wonder if anyone else noticed how embarrassing that was."? I have a couple of favorite examples of this to give you a clearer idea of what I'm talking about. First, Baby was taken to the staff quarters in Dirty Dancing where she was asked why she was there watching the dirtiest dancing with wide eyes and her response was, "I carried a watermelon." That was horrific. The other example is when my dear Bridget Jones takes the podium to announce the launch of "the greatest book of our time," and she fails to turn on the microphone and somehow manages to not only forget the name of her boss but also shouts out an, "Oy!" to a crowded room of near-dignitaries and celebrities. I actually squirm in my seat and am tempted to walk out of the room when these parts come up in their respective movies because of my uncomfort. My face gets red for these women just thinking about their (albeit imaginary) embarrassing situations, only because I know the feeling all too well. Sigh.

As I continue on this journey of refining fire, I am becoming more aware of the things that He is wanting to teach me. I have been convicted lately that I speak much more than I should. I say things I shouldn't. I agree to things I have not prayerfully considered. I stick my nose and mouth in business that doesn't require either of those body parts, and I eventually walk away with a massive "Doh!" screaming at me. The vice is that I am not a mean-spirited person, nor am I malicious. I have genuinely sincere motives, but as Paul teaches us about food in I Corinthians 10, "'Everything is permissible', but not everything is beneficial or constructive," not everything that pops into my head actually has to come out of my mouth. James teaches us that the tongue cannot be tamed and that it is a "restless evil, full of deadly poison." Ugh. That doesn't have much encouragement, but I trust that He will not abandon.

While praying today, I asked Him to show me how to go and how to help me when situations arise where I am tempted to babble tirelessly. He gave me a sense of peace - reminding me that He sings over me and is with me all the time. No man may be capable of taming his own tongue, but I can call on Him and He will. I know that He has brought this to light for a purpose. I believe that it is best that I remain humble for now, lest I be humbled.

Everything

2009-12-27T22:08:00.001-06:00

"Find me here. Speak to me. I want to feel You; I need to hear You. You are the light that's leading me to the place where I find peace again." ~ Lifehouse

John 1:5 says, "The light shines in the darkness and the darkness can never extinguish it." That verse was the theme for our Christmas Eve services. I attended seven of the eight (I performed for six of those seven), and every time that verse was cast upon the screen, I had goosebumps. The verse has a two-fold meaning for me, and both are just a testament to His greatness and glory. First, what an encouragement for anyone going through a difficult time to know that regardless of the circumstances, there is still a light - there is still hope, and no matter what, the darkness will not overcome, but will succomb to the greatness of the Light. I pray that I never tire of hearing of His promises and the beauty of hope in the midst of trials. As I have been reflecting on these last few months, sometimes it is overwhelming to see how far He has brought me. I vividly recall days this summer feeling such physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual anguish and thinking that there was never a way out. I was stuck in a horrible darkness. I am so humbled and beyond blessed to know that He values me and loves me enough to shine the steady, bright light that continues to lead me out of the black.

As I found encouragement from that verse, I was prompted in my heart to converse with Him some more about it. I have some more opportunities coming up, and I desperately want to remain in His light. I want to seek His guidance and His direction. I was wondering how I could be sure that I was going to make the right decisions. I asked Him. (Sometimes I'm embarrassed by how much I don't want to screw up my life anymore...I sway between wanting to be holy and just wanting to avoid being shame-faced again.) He responded with scripture: Psalm 119:105, "Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path." Hmmm. Well, that was a nicely wrapped present - applicable and awe-inspiring all at the same time. The first "duh" is that I go to the Bible to answer my questions and He will show me the way to go. The second "duh" is that in John 1:1 it says that "in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." So, basically, God and the Word are in and of the same....and, His Word is a light to my path...and, the light shines in the darkness and it can NEVER be extinguished. I think that is so cool.

Salvation Is Here

2009-12-25T17:41:00.003-06:00

"God above all the world in motion, God above all my hopes and fears. I don't care what the world throws at me now - I'm gonna be alright. Cause I know my God saved the day, and I know His word never fails. And I know my God made a way for me - salvation is here." ~ Hillsong United

Today as I reflect on Christmas and it's beginning, I am completely amazed at how the complexities, the intricate details of His conception and birth, dance together to form the story that causes me to marvel in awe and wonder at the greatness of my God. During the Christmas Eve services at church, the thing that kept resonating through my heart was, "Salvation is here." When I opened my Bible to read Luke's account of the Christmas story, I realized that my heart was not too far away from what His birth is really all about. Zechariah, the father of John the Baptist, had his ability to speak taken away and when it was restored, he began to speak words of prophecy: "He has sent us a mighty Savior...just as He promised!" Jesus's birth was nothing short of spectacular and glorious (save the logistics of the stable and manger).

I rarely understand the significance of sacrifice in order to commune with God, and I often minimize its importance. Our culture and traditions over the years have removed that understanding. The truth is that when I sin, I cause a separation between God and me, and the only way to make things whole again is for blood to be shed - a sacrifice made. In the Old Testament (Leviticus particularly...probably the goriest book I've ever read), it is noted that the sacrifices offered had to be spotless, pure, blemish-free. God's people were so lost, so far gone that the only way He could make the way for us to be in communion with Him again (short of slaughtering the entire blemish-free animal population) was to make Himself human and shed His own Holy blood that would free us from sin and its power. Only He could do this, because only He was perfect. But, it wasn't just enough for us to have a man fall out of the sky, declare he was the Son of God, and then lay down his life for us. No. It had to be a baby - a child that would grow up facing the same trials and temptations we face, yet conquering them head-on with unrelenting faith. He showed us how to live, survive, thrive. No, a man would not do. It had to be a baby. A baby would deliver the announcement that His salvation had come. He came to us to dwell among us and to save us. So, today I celebrate in joy because His salvation has come, and as I receive my King, I pray that my heart prepares Him room to dwell within me, as I join with creation singing praise! (Joy to the World!) Merry Christmas!

O Holy Night

2009-12-24T09:34:00.001-06:00

"O Holy night, the stars are brightly shining.

It is the night of the dear Savior's birth.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining, til He appeared and the soul felt it's worth.

A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees!

Oh, hear the angel voices!

Oh, night divine. Oh, night when Christ was born. Oh, night, oh holy night, divine!

Truly He taught us to love one another.

His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break, for the slave is our brother.

And in His name, all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we, with all our hearts we praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! Oh, praise His name forever! His power and glory, ever more proclaim!" ~ Traditional

I really cannot say any more. The words to this Christmas hymn resonate through my heart and I cannot add to it, nor take away from it. If I really just read the words, hear the words, listen to the words, the Spirit does all the work that touches my soul. There is no need to fill the void with a weak attempt with my own words. The song praises, adores, loves and commissions. Merry Christmas Eve - O Holy Night!

Joseph and Mary's Boy

2009-12-23T14:33:00.001-06:00

"The gift is just what's in your heart and not what's in your hand. And who's the One we need to thank? Who's this party for? Who's the One responsible for all this peace and joy? And who deserves the credit for the blessings we enjoy? The preacher said last Sunday, it was Joseph and Mary's boy." ~ Alabama

Every year for Christmas, my mom hauls out the many volumes of the Country Christmas albums and we listen to the classics including "I Wanna Be at the Opry on Christmas Night" and "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer." I have to confess that the affection I have for these songs (and artists) is more to do with tradition and my mom's love for them rather than actual interest or genuine affection. I imagine that my feelings for Country Christmas will probably be what my kids have for Alabama's Christmas album that includes "Christmas in Dixie" and "Thistlehair the Christmas Bear" (which actually inspired a dinner time prayer song written solely by my siblings and me as children). The beauty of my love for this album is that I do not even listen to or generally like country music, but if Alabama was singing about Thistlehair the Christmas bear, it would be Christmas, even if it was a hot, July afternoon.

I have to confess that the emotions that are stirred in me during this time of the year have a lot to do with human traditions, and come to think of it, food. I like ham sandwiches on homemade rolls (which is odd because I really don't care for ham, but I always eat it at Christmas time) with a strong cinnamony homemade hot chocolate. I like singing Christmas carols while waiting for Santa's bells to jingle sometime late on Christmas Eve declaring the arrival of his reindeer and a sack full of gifts for everyone. I like waking up very early on Christmas morning and playfully demanding that everyone else get up because there are presents under the tree and they need to be opened - immediately! Afterwards, we eat dad's french toast (which actually thinking about right now makes me sad for anyone who is not in my family...you have missed out on a tremendous experience...my apologies). There is always a feeling of community, wholeness, connection.

Things have changed a lot in the past couple of years for me. Maybe I'm growing up, maybe I'm lost and "gone astray," whatever the reason, my perspective has changed. I still have those warm, cozy feelings about Christmas, but I am more aware of how temporary everything really is. I am aware that my desire for these connections is okay, but in the past I have placed value and worth in things that will fade. They say you can't take a U-haul to heaven with you, and I think that thought has settled itself somewhere inside my heart. I don't mean to be like every other person out there standing on my soap-box preaching about what is or is not acceptable at this time of the year. I'm just sharing where my heart currently is...in a place that wants to cling to the things that have an eternal impact on me and others. I'm looking for something longer lasting. I think that this next year will deliver more of that. I am declaring Isaiah 61:1-4 as my goal for this year, the year of the Lord's favor. I look forward to what more He wants to teach me, what more I have to learn, what new relationships He brings to pass, and what more He would have me share. Happy Christmas and many blessings as we celebrate Joseph and Mary's boy, Emmanuel - God with us.

Remain

2009-12-20T21:50:00.000-06:00

"You are God with us, You're victorious, You are strong and mighty to save. For Your word stands true, there is none like You. And when all else fades, You remain." ~ Starfield

What if I lived like I believe that God is with me all the time? I think I would be more confident. I would also be more careful. I might be more bold, or even more understanding. I would definitely be more forgiving and less likely to fall victim to my own naivete. I wouldn't be confined to the real and imaginary borders that shield me from people and places that make me uncomfortable. I would love more and take more risks. I would also have a lot less stress and less desire to please others and myself. Why do I forget this one simple truth: God IS with me?

I think I forget that God is with me because He gives me this gift called free-will and I use it to navigate my way through the waters of life, periodically popping up to get my bearings and see how far I've actually wandered. If I realize that I'm in water that's over my head, I try to swim my way back to the place where after I've been there for a time, I gain confidence in my ability to wander off a little more on my own. Never fails. I invariably fail. As I've read through some of my older posts, I am realizing that so much of my heartache has been the result of forgetting that He is with me.

In the last couple of years, I was convinced that God had abandoned me - that He was ashamed of me and unless I was perfect, He wanted nothing to do with me. Because of those inaccurate fears, I pulled away from Him. That was such a mistake, but I don't think that I'm the only one who's ever done that. I found encouragement this weekend in the story of Joseph (not Mary's Joseph, but the son of Jacob, Joseph). Joseph lost the home and family he knew, was sold into slavery, accused of a crime he didn't commit and sent to prison, and through all of it, scripture says that God was with him. (Gen 37 & 39) I learned that God is in the middle of it all. Even when Joseph was a slave, God was with him. When Joseph was in prison, God was with him. God knew the whole picture - Joseph's future. So, I can tell myself that when I am struggling, God is with me. When my heart is broken, He is with me. When I am nervous, scared, alone, tired, He is with me. He tells us that He will never leave nor forsake us. This year for Christmas, because my heart is growing and learning, I am doing something more than just celebrating His birth. I am celebrating the fact that I can wholeheartedly believe that not only did the Word become flesh, but He is with me right here, right now. When everything else in this world fades or falls apart, He is with me. And, when everything is going smoothly and I fail to remember all that He has done, He is still with me.

In John 1, it tells us that when Jesus, the infant, was born, He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. See, it's not in His nature or His ability to abandon us. He was born with two qualities that most of us have to strive daily to achieve. Every day, He will remain the same. He will not change. He will not be shaken or moved. He IS with me.

Undone

2009-12-18T19:27:00.007-06:00

"In brokenness comes beauty, divine fragility. Reminding me of nail-scarred hands reaching out for me. To the cross I run, holding high my chains undone. Now I am finally free, free to be what I've become: undone." ~ Mercy Me

I am undone. Not done, but undone. For those who have been following me along this bumpy road, I want to assure you that I haven't actually come undone in the "she's-unraveling-quick!-someone-save-her-before-we-lose-her" kind of way, but instead the kind of undone that means I'm free - free from the chains that have been locked up tightly around my heart. Growing up, whenever I would get sick I remember my mom (who is in the medical profession) telling me that things would invariably get worse before they got better (i.e., sore throats, coughs, fevers, etc.). Those words were never reassuring when I thought I'd already reached my threshold of tolerance, but they were almost always accurate. I guess that knowledge has been dancing around in my head over the last month as God has been slowly revealing things to my heart.

I knew I had unforgiveness in my heart. I knew that He knew it, too. I also knew that if I was going to come to a place of surrendering and letting go, that things (mainly emotions) were probably going to get worse before they got better and I just didn't want to go there. Maybe it was because of the walls that I had built as a result of the unforgiveness, maybe it was because I didn't want to feel anymore hurt, but I really think it was because I had convinced myself that if I let go of the unforgiveness, then I would have to let go of my hopes and dreams, too...and I wasn't ready to do that. See, not only did I need to forgive for the hurt that had been done (my broken heart), but for the effects of that hurt as well (my broken dreams). Oh, baby, I was holding on tightly: "God, don't you see that I'm depending on this future? I have these dreams - You gave me visions! Surely You wouldn't have me just let them go!" The shame I have when I write those words is real. Not only did I need to forgive someone, but I needed to ask for forgiveness, too.

What I was failing to see in my control-freakish sort of way was that if God gave me those visions, then He will cause them to come to pass - without my help. I don't have to force His will to happen in my box, in my time. Who am I to think for a second that my will is His? I need to remind myself that my dreams should be tested just like I would test a "revelation." Is it scriptural? Do other believers confirm it? Does He bring it to pass? I lost sight of His authority and how it transcends my finite mind. I allowed my heart to rule me, and I wrapped the fingers of my weakness all around my emotions and held on as if my salvation was dependent upon them. That's where I needed to seek forgiveness. I also needed to forgive the other person that grabbed my hand and walked with me side-by-side through the carnival and then abandoned me somewhere near the house of mirrors. (I'm assuming that's where I was left, because I distinctly recall wandering around aimlessly and seeing myself in a lot of weird ways after that.)

I spent some time with God tonight, spilling out the mess in my heart, sharing my hurts and my reactions to those hurts. He spent some time with me tonight listening to everything He already knew and patiently loving me anyway. He blessed me with forgiveness, and I was free to forgive others in return. So, now as I sit cuddled up in the fuzzy quilt my great-grandma made for me decades ago, surrounded by candles and twinkle lights on the Christmas tree, I have peace. I know this journey will not be easy. I will be tempted to run full-throttle into the dreams that I've practically squeezed the life out of by clutching to them so desperately, and for that, I will be reminded that I cannot go this road alone - I need Him with me every step of the way. I've also asked Him to reveal to me the life He would have me lead (even if it's just one day at a time) as the one I had planned seems somewhat defunct right now. I know He will. I'm putting my hope and trust in Him and taking comfort in Isaiah 55:8, "My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways." That verse reminds me of the song No Sacrifice by Jason Upton: "Your thoughts are higher than mine, and Your words are deeper than mine, and Your love is stronger than mine. This is no sacrifice - here's my life."

Hope Now

2009-12-17T11:29:00.001-06:00

"You've become my heart's desire. I will sing Your praises higher cause Your love sets me free. Everything rides on hope now. Everything rides on faith somehow. When the world has broken me down, Your love sets me free." ~ Addison Road

Naivete is bliss. Or atleast it is until you realize that you're the one who's been naive and then you either feel like an idiot or you humbly accept your ignorance and wholeheartedly grasp the truth. I guess I've done a little of both. For example, I have spent a lot of time pouring my heart out in this blog about hopes and dreams. I've whined, complained, moaned, prayed, grovelled, etc., because I wasn't hearing the answers I thought I should in the timeframe that I expected. I've questioned why I would be given visions and dreams if they were never to come to fruition. I've had trusted believers gently coax me through prayerful understanding and I've heard their words and tried to comprehend what my heart didn't want to hear, but there has just been a blank answer. So, God, what about all those hopes and dreams I have? What about my heart's desires? Are You just going to let me sit here wondering about all of those things until I die? That just doesn't seem like a very nice thing to do. Pout. (I am so selfish sometimes, I even amaze myself.)

This morning is a testimony of how God ALWAYS answers prayers and sometimes in ways we least expect. The seven degrees of separation goes something like this: I have a friend who is a recording artist in Nashville (originally from Alabama) who is a friend of a pastor in NYC who is a friend of a pastor in Texas who is currently battling cancer. Interestingly enough, I also have a pastor friend in Atlanta who is aware of the story of the other pastor in Texas. So, periodically, I will get updates on his condition from both friends and this morning, I linked to a blog that the pastor in NYC wrote about his friend who is battling cancer. (You can access that link here. I also ask that you join with me in praying for Matt Chandler and his family and church as they go through this very difficult time together.) It was all about hopes and desires and the difference between the two.

God has patiently been teaching me the difference between hopes and desires, and I have slowly been learning, but I thought that the blog I read this morning put it into simple terms that I could understand. Yes, I have desires inside my heart - dreams, visions, goals that I believe are prompted by Him and He wants me to come to Him with those desires. He wants to hear from me and wants me to dream big dreams and bring them to Him. But, He doesn't want me to place my hope in them. God is a jealous God. He wants me - all of me. He doesn't want me swept away with the emotion or the beauty of something other than Him. Think about it - every thing we have, every relationship we possess should be an outpouring of Him in us, not the other way around. My hope is found in Him alone, and He is in me. In Colossians 1:27, Paul says, "God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory." See, my hope comes from having Him in me. Again, I'm reminded that when I bring my heart to Him, He will check my motives, and He will see His bigger picture. There is a peace in knowing that I will not be disappointed in hope and He will not fail.

Captivated

2009-12-16T23:47:00.004-06:00

"Your laughter, it echoes like a joyous thunder. Your whisper warms me like a summer breeze. Your anger is fiercer than the sun's splendor. You're close, but full of mystery. Ever since the day that I saw Your face, I cannot look away. I'm captivated by You." ~ Vicky Beeching

The last couple of days have been full of encouragement for me. I reconnected with friends that I haven't seen in over a year, met a woman from South Africa on a spiritual journey, met and prayed for a missionary preparing to return to Laos for another three years, and was reacquainted with two ministries that have been so influential to me over the last couple years. I believe that God is speaking through all of these things and I find it fascinating that He can transcend the boundaries that we as humans create and use it all for His glory.

Trying to describe the vastness of God and His work is like trying to contain the ocean in a water bottle. As the song above says, He reveals Himself in so many ways. Through the relationships I've established to the actual hands-on work that is being done, He is the One paving the way to His glory. Paul tells believers to "encourage each other and build each other up." (I Thessalonians 5:11) Tonight I am feeling extremely blessed to have friends who are believers and are "getting it." They are living or seeking a life that bears good fruit and is pleasing to Him. Without words, their lives and testimonies speak encouragement to my heart.

In Philippians, Paul asks some good questions and puts us to the test. "Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from His love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose." This is the beginning of chapter 2, and quite frankly the whole chapter is pretty incredible. Paul is encouraging us in fellowship with one another - with other believers. I have to admit that I am someone who, although I attend church regularly, I am generally skeptical of the people within the walls of the church based on previous interactions (and knowing my own history of church behavior). I guess that's why the last couple of days have been such a blessing. They have been a reminder that Christ's Church is not a building where people gather, nor is it a group of people who hang out and even discuss things like "What would Jesus do?," or "What did you think of the music this morning?," or "What book should we study next?" Christ's Church is a body of believers, living, breathing, and dying to the Gospel - compassionately encouraging and working with others along the way. I feel so blessed to witness that happening and so blessed to be a part of it!

Peace Be Still

2009-12-15T09:55:00.000-06:00

"Come to me, you who are weak. Let my strength be yours tonight. Come and rest, let My love be your bed. Let My heart be yours tonight. Peace be still. Please be still and know that I am God." ~ Rush of Fools

It wouldn't take a genius to figure out by my previous posts that Mr. Ugly, depression himself, has reared his annoying little head back into my days. If I really wanted to focus on it and try to reason why he's here, it might have something to do with the holidays and memories and reality. Or I could continue doing what I want, which is to pretend that I'm not depressed and ignore it (which usually just makes him stay longer). Ah, the peril!

Last night, I sat in my comfy chair crying and praying. After awhile, I went to the piano and just played and sang what was in my heart, no real songs, just lyrics and melodies. I love quiet times like this because I feel the closest to God during them. While I was singing, the words "peace be still," kept resonating over and over. Those three words packed an incredible punch last night! I went back to my chair and continued to pray and felt moved to get one copy of the My Utmost for His Hightest devotional book out. Of course Oswald Chambers knew in the early 1900's when his lectures were being recorded and eventually compiled and put into a daily devotional book that the one thing that needed to be placed on December 14 was John 14:27 ("I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid.") because roughly one hundred years later, I was going to need that verse on that very day. Well, maybe he didn't know it, but God certainly did and I know that's why He prompted me in that direction. God was speaking to me last night through music, the devotional, and again through His Word (John 14:27 and Phil 4:6-7, "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.").

I don't like depression. I hate what it does to me, to relationships, what it makes others think of me, what it makes me think of myself, etc. I want to be that person that is like a duck in water where everything slides off my back as I fly from one adventure to another. Instead, I wonder if I'm more like Emily Dickinson who stays locked up in her room writing about the world below and eventually dying a premature death due to the effects of stress. Okay, well, not that bad, but it is a concern. (Have I mentioned yet that I'm also a bit dramatic?) I have never been promised an easy road. Jesus didn't say things would always be easy, nor did He say that we would always understand. He did promise that He would never leave us nor forsake us. He also promised me that He would protect me - including my heart, which seems to bear the brunt of it all somedays. Despite looming depression, there is hope. My hope is in Christ. Like the hymn says, "On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand." He gives me the firmest foundation to lay my hope upon, and for that, I give praise to His glorious grace!